I’ve hit that stage of life where I’m less concerned about tiptoeing around my spouse’s feelings and more concerned with [sugar-free] chocolate. I’d rather run [from no one in particular], clean the toilet, or climb up on the roof and empty rancid gutters than listen to his opinions. To be really blunt, I’m more concerned with real life things. I’ve spent countless hours of my life arguing over things of no real consequence and I’m tired. He’s not a bad guy. In fact, he’s probably like a lot of guys. But this current political environment has him spouting like an angry volcano. It’s annoying. And I’ve got more important things to do.
I remember fondly when we used to watch news and get excited about what was happening in the world. We were like doe-eyed children the way we consumed and regurgitated popular alphabet television news (ABC, NBC, CBS, etc). But that was before I learned the news was more soap opera and corporate opinion piece than literal truth. Everybody’s got spin, and I got dizzier [and sicker] than a cotton-candy stuffed kid on a merry-go-round. No more. I’m off. But my husband is still a happy passenger.
Lorelei Gilmore
I thought tuning out was an excellent strategy until it wasn’t. Each morning starts the same way. He spends an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom reading headlines and then exits to a full pot of coffee. He drinks and spouts. I tune out. He gets bored with my disengagement and leaves. I sigh in relief. The problem is, he still wants to connect. So, at the end of the day, when I am most tired from working, cooking, washing dishes and cleaning up after my pets, my dear husband has started following me to my evening television routine. He wants to converse about my shows. But this is not acceptable! His observations are not only annoyingly rude, but they are also eerily accurate. I used to enjoy Gilmore Girls or Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but it’s hard to enjoy a show when your spouse constantly points out the flaws of the main characters.
Puny Steve Rogers
So last night I did something to avoid this kind of catastrophe. I picked a movie I knew he’d want to watch, Captain America. The original film from 2011 staring Chris Evans as Steve Rogers was one of the most boring movies I’ve ever seen. They lost me when they digitally attached Chris Evan’s head to a puny body for the first 30 minutes. And the villain, (Hugo Weaving) was over-the-top ridiculous. When he ripped his face off to reveal a red skeleton face, I was so bored, I fell asleep. I have blissfully avoided Marvel movies for the past decade or so and I plan to employ this tactic going forward. My husband loved the movie, but I guess my snores were disruptive.
But my dear husband still wants to connect. The older we get the less we seem to have in common. He wants to watch a movie but I’d rather read a book. He doesn’t read unless it’s “news” related. I would rather gouge out my eyes and eat them than read or talk about current events. This is a real problem.
Therefore, I have decided to start reading history again. Revolutionary War history, here I come.
I’m not saying my husband is interested in history, but at least I’ll have a better diversionary tactic when he starts talking about our current president. At least then I can retort with, “Well, you know Benedict Arnold led troops in the Battle for Quebec, which, as you know was the first major loss in the American Revolutionary War.”
Yes, Rick Atkinson’s “The British Are Coming” is better than anything on television today. And at least I know there’s a happy ending.
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