When Solace Seems Unsustainable

On August 1, 2007, the I-35W Saint Anthony Falls Bridge collapsed during evening rush hour traffic. 13 people were killed and 145 were injured—some seriously. 20 year old Jeremy Hernandez was on a school bus with 65 children who were returning from a waterpark field trip. After the collapse, he kicked out the back window of the bus and made sure the children made it out safely. This wasn’t some run-of-the-mill rescue. The bus was hanging precariously and if it had tipped the wrong way, the causalities would have been unspeakable. Thanks to his fast thinking, they were rescued. When asked what the bridge collapse was like, he simply said, “Terrifying.”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swgBaZEAs_U

Many things have been written about this accident since it occurred. It was a horror to the families of those who perished, and to those who survived with crippling injuries. For those of us who did not personally experience the tragedy, it may not be much more than a headline we read with sadness. But for the parents of each child who was rescued, the face of Jeremy Hernandez is the face of joy. Because joy is what we feel when someone saves us.

I recently walked into Sam’s Club with a short list of food items I needed for the week. I don’t particularly enjoy Sam’s because I am tempted by their many delectable desserts. I make a point to grab only the things I need and then dash out of the door before I cave to temptation. But on this particular occasion I heard a song that I love and so I slowed down in order to listen to it. The song was “Somebody to Love” by Queen.

“Ooh, each morning I get up I die a little. Can’t barely stand on my feet. Take a look in the mirror and cry. Lord, what you’re doing to me. I have spent all my years in believing you but I just can’t get no relief, Lord! Somebody, can anybody find me somebody to love?”

Queen

Freddy Mercury was an amazing vocalist and his songwriting is incredible. On this particular day I was undone when I heard him. It felt like he had written that song just for me.

I have never shared this publicly but maybe it is time. So please don’t view this as a pity grab or attention seeking behavior. I simply want others to know they are not alone.

My youngest son (10) has several really challenging diagnoses. In addition to juvenile diabetes, he is also bi-polar disorder, has oppositional defiant disorder and a broad characterization of OHI(Other Health Impaired). He was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes when he was 3 years old and we have lived with the additional labels for about 5 years. His mood swings and impulse control issues are nerve-shattering. On top of that, my spouse and I struggle to agree on parenting methods. We have lost control of our tempers in several heated exchanges lately and the cycle of anger, regret and guilt is a club we too frequently bludgeon each other with. Alas, these fresh bruises remind me just how frail I really am.

That is why Freddy Mercury made me cry in Sam’s Club. And candidly, it was just about the worst place for a food addict to fall prey to her emotions. The past few months have been difficult food wise as I have chronicled in my posts about my temptation with brownies. Stress makes the cravings worse and the truth is, I have been slowly gaining weight (about 11 pounds).

I have also burned out on exercise. I’m just sick and tired of the same old routine. When I run, it feels like I am stabbing myself in the eyes with sharp sticks. When I do strength training (core workout and weights) I want to throw my dumbbells through a wall. I took a few days off to rest and collect myself but it did no good. As much as I want to, I can’t run away from my body or trade it in for a new one.

Now is the point in the blog where you would like to ask me, “Margaret, would you like some cheese with your whine?”

Why yes. Yes I would. 2 pounds please! And yes, they do sell my favorite in bulk at Sam’s Club—the less-than-ideal place for an emotional breakdown! But as I stood there crying in front of strangers, I recalled to mind the Bible verse I was memorizing just moments before I walked into the store.

I John 3:1 says, “See what kind of love the Father has given to us that we should be called children of God; and so we are.” I suppose I could take this kind of information for granted except that this love has sustained me more times than I can count. I am His child. He loves me! This love has held me when the ground gave way beneath my feet (Psalm 46:2). It has captured my tears and placed them in a bottle (Psalm 56:8). It has walked with me through the deep waters (Isaiah 43:2) and restored my soul (Psalm 23:2). I was standing in Sam’s Club when I remembered that there is nothing that will truly satisfy my soul other than the love of Christ, my God.

There are many people who question God’s love in the midst of terrible circumstances, not the least of which include the deaths of 13 people during the bridge collapse in Minneapolis, Minnesota. But I believe God demonstrates his love for us in this: Christ died for sinners like me (Romans 5:8) He saves us, not only by the blood of his son, but also by sending brave people like Jeremy Hernandez to break out a window and tacitly save the lives of several dozen children.

I was standing in Sam’s Club when God saw my emotional pain and rescued me. It felt no less magnificent than what Jeremy Hernandez did. Why? The Freddy Mercury song made me feel hopeless but God reminded me through his word that I do have hope. This is why it is so important for Christians to read their Bibles every day! That is how God speaks to us. And if I haven’t written this enough times, I’ll say it again: we cannot trust our feelings at any given moment. We must trust God’s words.

I have often felt like solace was not sustainable but God’s solace is. He enabled me to walk through Sam’s club, pick up the few items I needed, and exit the store without buying any of the desserts that tried so hard to tempt me.

Today, whatever you are facing, please know that there is a God who sees your pain and wants to give you peace in the midst of it. He sees our broken hearts and cares deeply about our sorrows. He will enable us to stop eating brownies, praise Him even when tears run down our cheeks, and stop shouting at our diagnosis-riddled children. He will give us the strength to keep walking or jogging even when it feels awful. He will be our companion when our spouse leaves or our parent dies or we succumb to drug addiction. In short, he is our “somebody to love.”