When Hope is Fleeting, Pray!

I was strong today, but I didn’t feel strong. In fact, I spent the day praying, “God help me.” Help me not to lose my temper. Help me not to lose control. Help me keep walking when my feet are so, so weary. But most of all, I was praying for hope.

My son had a really bad day today. That’s saying a lot for a bi-polar child with no impulse control. He screamed a lot. Cried a lot. Said a lot of really horrible things. And I didn’t know what to do other than speak peace to him and pray over him and wait for the mood to pass. Yesterday he screamed because I asked him to put the laundry away. Today he screamed for 2 hours because I asked him to help me take the dog to the vet.

I began this blog as a way to help other people by sharing my own stories of learning discipline. Learning how to control my impulses around food has been the challenge of my life. But nothing compares to standing near a rampaging teenager who is hell bent on destroying me. I feel rather naked sharing that here. Broadcasting to the world how hard it is to live with someone who has a mood disorder. Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. Maybe I am. Or maybe I’m just tired.

It’s been a really tough week, but I’ve continued to exercise and eat right. When a co-worker put cake in front of me yesterday, I didn’t even think about eating it. I made a homemade cookie cake with icing and homemade chocolate Legos as a decoration. I didn’t eat that either. I’m resolved to stay sugar-free. I suppose I am resolved to be patient with my son too. But it is really, really hard.

He was suspended from school for smacking a girl we know well in gym class. That means he’s home for over a week straight. It feels like there is no hope for parents of children with mood disorders other than to sedate them. That’s not helpful. So we go to coaching and counseling. And we visit doctors who try to give us what seems so fleeting.

Hope is a feather blowing in the wind. Today, it blew away.

Maybe tomorrow it will land in my hand.

So, I pray again, “God, you are the God of broken people. You love us. You sent your Son to shine light into our lives. Please shine your light into my eyes because the way seems so very dark. I believe in you and I’m weary. Please help me hold on. Amen.”