When Dreams become Miracles

I once had a dream I could run. In the dream I was jogging down a sidewalk and it was fun and “easy.” It was so real that when I woke up, I felt good. It was so vivid I thought I might actually try to go out and do it. The problem was my actual body shape and size. I knew if I tried to run I would most likely trip over my chubby toes and bonk my chubby nose.

You see, I tried jogging in my mid twenties after I lost a substantial amount of weight. It was never fun and never easy. Also, I tore my feet up running in bad shoes and ended up with a severe case of plantar fasciitis and bone spurs. A few years of physical therapy and orthotics fixed the chronic pain, but the “spurs” remained.

Me in 2004

I was very self-conscious about my weight and my food choices. I felt like people were always analyzing everything I put into my mouth. I once had a friend smack a Godiva chocolate out of my hand in front of a group of people. I was mortified. It seemed like the only thing I was really good at was baking and gaining weight. Food was my love language and emotional support mechanism.

I forgot about my dream because I knew it was impossible. I went on gaining weight and baking. Until one day I stopped and decided to make a lifestyle change (as documented on this site).

One day I was walking down Georgie Avenue in Ferguson, Missouri and wondered what it would feel like to jog. I jogged about 20 steps and started walking again. (I sincerely hoped no one saw my boobs hit my chin!) After all, I’d lost about 100 pounds and had never in my life purchased a special running bra. I kept walking but made a mental note to go shopping. Once my cleavage was properly secured, I tried again; jog 20 steps, walk 20 steps. Jog 50 steps, walk 50 steps. Jog 100 steps, walk 100 steps. Eventually, I jogged my way to a 5K. It was an incredible feeling when the race was over, but it never felt fun or easy. The 5K was an “exercise” in torture.

After that I ran a lot–so much so that I lost another 40 pounds. I also tore my SI joint and re-injured my feet. There were many setbacks. I had learned how to push myself to accomplish big goals and then I had to learn how to rest my body to prevent injury.

I regained and lost 20 pounds several times. I struggled with exercise bulimia. My ribs kept popping out of place and causing excruciating pain. I also had a recurring pinched nerve in my neck. The runners I worked with were all encouraging me to run a marathon–or at the very least–a half marathon. Every conversation with them was about technique. I must be doing it wrong. How was I lifting and landing my feet? Maybe I just needed to push through the pain? Everyone wanted to help me reach the next milestone in my running journey, but I felt doomed to be a big disappointment–not only to them, but to myself. Any time I tried to run more than 6 miles, I would re-injure. Any time I ran more than once I week, It was the same. My SI joint would “melt” and my feet would ache.

Fast forward a few years.

I discovered the woman who inspired me to lose weight had regained all of hers. (Jeannette Fulda). So had many others I followed online. They didn’t announce it or anything–they just kind-of stopped blogging about their weight-loss journeys. Meanwhile, I was still trying to be faithful to live a healthy lifestyle. And the reality is, the daily grind of maintaining massive weight loss can get stale. I get bored of eating the same fruits and vegetables. My capacity to consume meat of any kind has diminished. Pork of any kind unsettles my tummy and makes me swell. I also get cravings for MSG-laden Asian cuisine. More importantly, I still struggle not to overeat–even though I don’t crave cookies or cake any longer.  Avoiding “trigger foods” can feel restrictive at times. And in case I didn’t say it loud enough, living a healthy lifestyle long-term can be really BORING.

I help Momma run!

And then the dream returned. I dreamed I was running and not getting tired or sore. I was running around town and having fun. I guess my subconscious was telling me I still had something to aspire to. It’s not that I ever quit running–or that it got exponentially easier–I just didn’t look forward to or enjoy it. I usually jog with my dog, Annabelle(a boxer) and I listen to sermons or my bible–as I have from the very beginning of my journey. Annabelle pulls me up hills and God prompts me to overcome adversity by giving me His grace. (I can’t really explain that piece of it other than to say, I feel His favor when I run–and cry–and pray).

Annabelle can’t run with me during the warmer months because she gets overheated. This morning, it was drizzling rain, and she doesn’t like to get wet, so I ran alone. There are a lot of hills on my route and I usually struggle without my “sled dog”. But this morning was different. This morning, something clicked like it has never clicked before. This morning, I knew I could run up the first hill without her. More importantly, I also knew I didn’t need to walk at the top of the hill because I was out of breath. I knew I could “push through” by altering my breathing. I wasn’t worried about running a specific amount of time at a specific speed or pushing through pain. I just ran. And I made a conscious decision to enjoy it.

I realize now that I haven’t enjoyed running because I was always comparing myself to other runners. I wasn’t super fast and I wasn’t super trendy. I was more worried about what I was supposed to look or feel like than simply enjoying the freedom of running. Isn’t that silly? I spent so many years being embarrassed about my shape and size that it became my identity. Almost as if I had become the physical manifestation of an apology for not being the kind of runner others thought I should be. I realize now I may never be what others want me to be–and that’s okay. Besides, I can’t actually be anybody else but me.

I am just me and I am okay. This is me today.

This is a manifestation of God’s grace.

Today while I ran I listened to the book of John–which I have been studying for the past month. The verses in John 14, 15 and 16 caused me to reflect on who I really am and set me free from the comparison mindset.

Today I realized miracles do happen. Sometimes they start as dreams. Maybe that is why God gave dreams to people like Joseph, and visions to people like Isaiah, Jeremiah and others. Jesus said, “Whoever has my commandments and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him.” (John 14:21)

I feel the manifestation of Jesus when I run. Running does not come naturally to me. But the discipline of movement over the years has changed me. It has changed my physically and spiritually in ways I never thought possible. If you are reading this and have a dream you think is impossible–dare to dream. Then, dare to run. (just make sure you have the proper foundation garment!)