Walking Through the Wasteland

It should be evident by this point that I dropped off the grid for a week. And while I’m not sure anyone noticed, I thought I’d acknowledge it. I’ve been on a journey of sorts, what you might call walking through the wasteland. I have tried analyzing it, tried to explain it(via diet or exercise) and I can’t come up with a definitive reason why. What I do know is this, on Tuesday of last week I woke up feeling healthy and alive and generally good. When I woke up Wednesday morning I felt as if I had passed into shadow.

Let me elaborate. I couldn’t get out of bed because I was very tired. So I didn’t work out and barely made it to work. I couldn’t concentrate. I felt sad, but I didn’t know why. There was no trouble at home, no particular challenge at work, other than the usual stress, and no overarching familial malaise. I couldn’t make a decision without intense concentration and even then, many things fell through the cracks. I struggled with basic tasks, picking out clothes, making my lunch and even going to sleep.

I tried rationalizing diet(I ate a small ice cream cone Tuesday night and thought maybe there were some offensive chemicals in it that were eating at my insides) I even thought maybe I was exercising too much and needed to rest(which I did). But the days continue to drag on and I feel no better than I did last Tuesday, except for the occasional coffee induced uptick in mood.

It is during these moments I begin to ponder the question many of us ask when depression, illness or catastrophe fall into our laps, why?

It is the great question of suffering, why must I endure it? I don’t want to sound melodramatic. Just because I don’t feel well I am obviously doing a lot better than say, Joni Eareckson Tada who is paralyzed from the neck down and fighting cancer. But I don’t want to oversimplify it either. I feel as if I am pressed into the earth by a large rock and no way to remove it. So how do I escape?

This depression is not new to me. I have endured it many times over the years. It comes and goes like the seasons. I am grateful that I understand my body more now than I did even 5 years ago. I used to lash out at everyone around me, blaming whoever was closest for my suffering. The main difference between then and now is that I recognize the signs and am able to formulate my responses to them.

In truth, I have been too exhausted to think much less write out my thoughts-which is why I haven’t posted here. I was too busy trying to decide what to purchase for my 16 year old son on the occasion of his 16th birthday. We are on a limited budget and I could not afford his number one pick. And this is where the going got really tough.

When I feel this bad, the only thing that makes me feel better is food. To make matters worse it was suddenly birthday season; my husband’s birthday on 1/28 and then my oldest on 2/4. As a sugar fiend and self-described food addict I began to contemplate all manner of self-indulgence and how that would help me feel better. The thing is, I know something else I didn’t know a few years ago: trying to eat my pain away doesn’t work. So I fell to my last resort: prayer.

Saturday morning it took me an hour to get dressed to go walk outside. It was gray and cold and felt like hell. I didn’t want to do it but I walked anyway. As I walked I prayed and asked God to help me keep moving, to not give up, to not give in to my flesh in a carnal way. And then I asked for sunshine and blue sky. I have to tell you, at 9:00am on Saturday morning there was no sunshine and no blue sky. It was as January as January gets(minus sleet and snow). And then I quite literally turned a corner(from Calverton Road to Florissant Road) and saw shadows in the shape of trees on the ground. I looked up and felt warm sunshine on my face, even though the sky was still gray and cloudy. Moments later I saw a smidgeon of blue behind the clouds and then glory in the form of full sunshine and more blue sky than gray. So maybe I’m crazy, and maybe I’m a dreamer, but I began to cry because in that moment all I could think about was that even though I felt sad and shaky and gray inside, God had opened the clouds and poured out His love for me in the form of sunshine and blue skies. That moment of glory filled me with the knowledge that I wasn’t alone.

The depression did not miraculously lift. I never did find a gift for my son. My mom made the cake and threw the party. But I am still filled with that moment of grace.

There are people in this world who would tell me I am nuts. They might say there is no God, that sunshine and blue skies were forecasted, and I’m a Bible thumping fundamentalist. I won’t dispute them. We all have our own belief system. But I will say this, I know in my heart I have a friend who loves me enough to shine rays through my darkness, to envelope me with love more tangible than touch, and to fill me with hope so sweet I can taste it on my tongue. And because of that love(which speaks truth to my heart), I was able to resist 3 cakes, peanut m&m’s, cookies, various chips and snacks on four separate occasions over the past week. And though I limp(emotionally), I am still walking.

The only reason I share all of this is because I felt maybe it would encourage others who deal with similar issues. We all have something we struggle with whether it be sugar, physical pain or grief. To that person I say this, there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother and I hope one day you experience the kind of comfort I received Saturday morning.

For those who love scripture, I share these words that I have been listening to while I walk.

Ephesians 3:14-20

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.