I had lunch with a good friend yesterday. She is beginning a journey to achieve a dream that has taken root in her heart. Along with the dream comes fear. Fear of failure. Fear of stability for her family. Fear of success. Change can certainly excite fear in our hearts and if we are not careful, it has the capability to thwart our dreams.
It’s easy to say, “Keep a positive attitude” when the sun is shining and the birds are singing, but when the rain comes, hope is that sparkling gem so quickly flushed away in the swirling torrent. We find ourselves splashing around in the gutters, sifting through the muck, and desperately grasping for the one thing we feel least likely to find. We come up for air with nothing but mud and broken finger nails as the water rises and our hearts sink like stones to the bottom of the lake of sorrow. Hopelessness is like an anvil chained to our ankle.
3 months into my journey to better health I began to despair. I found that the excitement of losing weight had worn off. I had lost hope. I was tired of eating healthy food all the time and I craved the junk that used to be my tried and true mood lifters. When one relies on food(or any other substance) it becomes a crutch and learning to walk without that crutch may be painful but it is necessary! I realized for the first time that if I wanted to lose the weight and maintain a healthy lifestyle, I could never go back to eating the way I used to. I grieved. Gone were the days of security that came in the form of fudge and cookies. I could no longer cuddle in bed with M&Ms or rush out to White Castle or Casa Gallardo for lunch. Basically, all the behaviors that comforted me were gone. What I couldn’t see then that I do see now is that I was using food to avoid my real problems. I consumed a steady diet of self-pity. I also focused entirely too much on what I was living without instead of taking hold of the hope that came with renewed health. It took me a long time to recognize the lies I had come to accept as truth for most of my adult life.
“I am comfortable with being overweight.”
“There is nothing I can do to change my metabolism.”
“Fat is my identity.”
“I am helpless.”
“My dependence on food is more important than the emptiness in my heart.”
“Food completes me.”
“I feel bad therefore I am bad and there is nothing I am willing to do to feel better so I may as well eat.”
Regardless of the lies, however, I still had a dream. I dreamed that I was thin and I could run. This was so ingrained in my psyche that I would fall asleep at night and dream that I could run without growing tired. My legs propelled me down sidewalks and up hills so efficiently that it was a terrible shock when I woke up to realize I could not run. Still, that deep longing resonated so deeply that I couldn’t shake it no matter how hard I tried. Now I know why.
Dreams are good. Dreams are an important part of the human experience. So frequently we let fear choke our dreams and kill them before we have even given them life. My friend said she feels as if she is floating in a river of fear—clinging to a log of safety—terrified to let go and see where the river will take her. The risk of abandoning the safety of stability is real but she yearns to let go because there is also a possibility of achieving her dreams—dreams that define who she is. I believe God has given us all dreams for a reason. Before they are realized we don’t understand why, but on the other side—once fear has been conquered and hope achieved—we have a new perspective for His purposes.
I had a dream that I could run. It was both literal and figurative. It seemed impossible but I have achieved that dream. I dreamed that I could lose weight. I lost 140 pounds without surgery or a gym membership. But my journey has been about so much more than achieving those things. I have gone on a journey of self-discovery where I learned to abandon the mental crutches that restricted me from personal and spiritual growth. I will call them what they were…handicaps. I was handicapped and didn’t even know it! I had to face my fears head on to learn and grow. I had to let go of log of safety and be swept away.
I believe God gave me those dreams because he wanted to set me free. Those dreams were a gift. And guess what? My journey isn’t over. I’m still dreaming.
What is your dream? And what lies do you continue to live out that prevent you from taking hold of it?
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