Time to Rebuild

In every life there comes a season one never expected. One could call it a long, drawn-out storm that wrings the hope and joy out of every area of life. Mine started with grief. A few months ago, my beloved boxer, Annabelle, started losing weight. The vet couldn’t find anything wrong and thus began a series of expensive tests, no answers, and crippling fear that I was going to lose her. Some would say she was just a dog, but she was more than that to me and to our family. We were already dealing with juvenile diabetes, a mysterious stomach ailment and many hard things with school. I was also trying to cope with a very stressful situation at work. I thought I was handling everything with faith and hope and love. And then Annabelle stopped eating.

I know everyone has their limits and I reached the end of mine. I had a friend who was pressuring me to pray more and trust God more. And I was. But I was also terrified and lonely. And I was trying everything we could afford to determine what was wrong with Annabelle. It was one of those, “God, I can handle a lot, but not losing her. Anything but that.”

We finally found a vet that did a x-ray of her chest (why didn’t they start there?!) and found a rash of white spots that was either lymphoma or a terrible fungal infection. Either way, she said there wasn’t much to be done. But even then, I didn’t lose hope. One of our homeopathic doctors gave us a free treatment to try as a last-ditch effort. I was certain it would work because we’ve found so much hope and healing with chiropractic medicine. And then came the day when she just could not eat anything or even keep down the nutritional gel that was sustaining her. She collapsed in the front yard. And I started sobbing. I don’t think I stopped sobbing internally for several days but there was work to be done and meetings to be had and so I delayed that final trip to the vet.

In the middle of that deep loss and grief my stressful work situation exploded to an unreasonable fervor and I fought with one of the last people I ever expected to. And I left the office that day to take my beloved to the vet. To say goodbye. And to try to manage the pain of the others in my household.

For anyone who has ever loved a dog like a child, one will understand. It’s harder for others, though people can empathize if they choose to. This wasn’t my first loss. But first or third or tenth, it’s horrible.

Then I lost my grandpa. This wasn’t totally unexpected but nevertheless, it was awful. Old memories came surging and my emotions were off the chart sad. I felt like everything was dying around me. I completely lost my equilibrium.

As the days turned into weeks things only got worse at work. I knew I wasn’t handling things well, but I could not seem to manage my emotions. And then a confrontation came again with a co-worker, and I cracked. I had a full-on nervous breakdown in the office. I immediately got very sick with an upper respiratory infection. Then my son ended up in the hospital with ketoacidosis.

I suppose that is what provided the most clarity. I have to be well to take care of my son. I do not have the liberty to limp along heart-sick and half-alive. It’s time to take action. This blog entry is my commitment to do what is necessary to heal and rebuild my life.

For the past week I allowed myself to enjoy vacation. I still don’t have a lot of energy, but I cleaned the house, baked the Christmas cookies, and listened to nice classical music that calmed my soul. I took some good walks that really wore me out and even did some strength training. I ate healthy food and got a lot of sleep. I am starting to feel more rational. I am also seeing a counselor to talk through what is happening. Most importantly, I have made a decision to live.

What I mean by that is that I truly had lost all hope of going on. I could not see any joy or gladness in my future. But now I know I need to make changes and facilitate healing. I need to let go of the weight of my grief and start thinking differently. I need to rebuild.

I’m not quite sure where to start. I find myself drawn to a few days of solitude, so I’ll be making a trip to the country. I want to chart out some resolutions and healthy patterns. I also need to make some tradeoffs and changes. I’ve never done this before and it feels…awkward.

I know God is present through all of this, but I’ll be honest, He has felt very far away. I am waiting and trusting with faith that He will deliver me, as the Psalms repeat over and over. I will try to share some of what I discover and resolve here on the blog. I want to continue with my theme of discipline because it is very important to me. I want to be faithful. But grief has a way of knocking the wind out of one. I didn’t expect this. And I know God has a purpose for my life. I just need to find it again.

Today I realized one of the most important things I need to do is to forgive. I need to forgive God for taking Annabelle and my Grandpa. And I need to forgive the people at work for their insensitivity and selfishness (among other things). I need to get back to the mindset that we are all at different stages of our journey and we need to give grace as much as we ask for grace. This too is a discipline. And candidly, I’ve been so filled with pain and bitterness I wasn’t able to do that anymore. I need to let go of all that in order to heal. And it really is hard. I have an axe to grind but it’s time to lay it down.

I find myself saying this prayer a lot lately, so I’ll share this as I end.