Sometimes I look at myself and think, wow, did I really do that? Did I really lose 140 pounds by diet and exercise? That is just incredible! Now, maybe you are thinking, “Gee, Margaret. You are one big jerk. I want to lose weight and I can’t. It’s impossible. And here you are bragging about it. Holy Moses! You should just shut up and go gain 40 pounds because you annoy me.
I’m sorry I annoy you. People that lose weight and keep it off used to annoy me too. When I used to encounter them, I only wanted to give them a swift poke in the eye. So when I say that I am amazed at my story, it is only because I really like to eat. And sometimes it feels surreal that I can eat until I am full and not gain all the weight back. Also, I marvel at my own story because I still struggle with overeating, regaining weight, and trying to lose it again. I didn’t take a magic pill that allowed me to lose the weight and keep it off. If I don’t want to be really fat, I have to keep working at it. This is real life. But what I will say is that it is worth it. All the sweat dripping and salty tears have paid dividends in good health. So today if you are thinking about changing your lifestyle(not going on a diet–diets never work), keep reading. I want you to know that living a healthy lifestyle might be more achievable than you realize, and it only requires changing your thought processes regarding how to go about it.
Three days ago, Thanksgiving heralded the great turkey of gladness. You have to understand that I love to eat turkey. Sometimes I feel guilty about this because turkeys are probably really nice if you get to know them in person. So for the purpose of this blog I will have to suspend my sympathetic turkey emotions and focus on how I got through Thanksgiving without gaining 5 pounds.
I was eating leftovers on Friday when it occurred to me that I needed some fudge. I grew up with the great delight(read horrible curse) of homemade fudge around the holidays. One of my very comforting habits was consuming vast amounts of turkey and then chasing that with homemade fudge. So when the urge came over me to make fudge and eat it until I could not eat any more, I got sick. Literally sick. My knee jerk emotional response to craving fudge sent me straight to the bathroom where my turkey threatened to come back up. That is how terrified I was of falling back into that pattern. I say all of this to make very clear that lifelong habits do not just disappear. Memories are potent and powerful. In order to lose weight and keep it off, you must deal with those emotions. Face them. Stab them with your steely resolve and conquer through them. That is the very beginning of your journey.
In order to see the truth about your situation, you must look honestly at yourself. Take off the pretty bow you wrap yourself in when everyone is watching, and really look at who you are. Is this who you want to be? Have you settled because changing would be too difficult? That is where my journey began. I knew my life was a mess. I was miserable resting in my nest of lies, but worse, I couldn’t break free because I couldn’t even see that they were lies. I had to (slowly) learn to see the truth. The truth was, I was very fat(310 pounds to be precise). I hated not being able to wear normal-sized clothes. I hated that people treated me poorly because of my weight(fat prejudice is real). I wanted to lose weight but I “needed” my favorite foods because they comforted me. I didn’t know they were killing me. I really didn’t. And I didn’t want to know, which was a large part of the problem.
The very thought of living without my cache of candy freaked me out. So when I got pissed off enough to consider trying to lose weight, the very first thing I did was consider how I would cope without my continual sugar intake. That was when I knew I had to give up sugar cold turkey. I didn’t even think about all the calories I was consuming–I saw only that I was a serious sugar addict and I had to stop. Now maybe sugar isn’t your problem. That’s for you to ascertain. I only knew that I needed to change my life and sugar was an all or nothing proposition. I chose nothing.
(*disclaimer – any foods containing refined white flour, white rice, pasta, corn syrup or refined white sugar ARE sugar)
I also knew fast food was high in calories and that had to go too. No more White Castle runs. No more soda. Thankfully, I never even considered diet soda because, to be honest, I never liked it. Today I realize what a grace that was as I see so many friends addicted to their diet beverage of choice. I have since learned diet soda is filled with nasty chemicals that prevent weight loss.
Then there was the exercise situation. Just ugh. I knew I needed to workout but I honestly would rather have eaten worms than join a gym. I didn’t want people staring at “the fat girl”. Been there. Done that. Lost a lot of money not weight. I considered that I hadn’t spent a lot of money gaining the weight(other than on food) and thus I didn’t want to spend a lot of money to lose the weight. Yes, I’m a miser. So that left working out at home. I didn’t have money to invest in workout equipment but I figured I could walk around the block. At least that was cheap. Shoot, it was free! And I like free.
When I considered all of these things, I hadn’t even changed my lifestyle yet. I was simply thinking about the things I could do that might help me lose weight. I never actually thought it was possible. I just knew I really wanted to try. But the most important thing I did happened before I even bought one healthy piece of food….I prayed. You see, I saw the desperate situation I was in and I knew I couldn’t do it by myself. What I did know was that I really loved God and I had this vague idea that He loved me too. I also knew that the Bible said I could do all things through Christ who strengthens me(Philippians 4:13). I knew I was missing something about how to tap into that strength and so I asked for help. To recap, I knew I “couldn’t” give up the foods I loved(lusted over), I “couldn’t” exercise, and I knew I was vastly unhappy. Also, I had seen and read about people who were disciplined and I knew I really wanted to learn how to discipline my body. So my prayer was simply this, “God, would you please help me to learn discipline?”
Writing that now looks so odd because even back then I equated discipline with spanking or shouting–not abstinence. And abstinence was what I was aiming for. I felt like an alcoholic choosing to quit drinking–such was my addiction to sugar. So I started reading about sugar addiction and I learned so much about myself and my behaviors. Refined sugars are toxic to the body–a fact I never knew or even considered. As soon as you consume them, your body starts fighting to get rid of them. I learned about blood sugar spikes and the insulin response. I learned that I was living in a severe state of dehydration(I never drank water). I was so often eating when I was actually thirsty. I had to learn the difference between thirst and hunger. And early on I was simply amazed when I found that I didn’t need to eat very much to be full and satisfied. I learned fruit was sweet on its own(no more sugar on strawberries!) and actually good for my body. Learning was really fun because it gave me hope. Hope fueled my journey more than any thing else.
But the most important thing I realized about my situation was that overeating was sin. How did I know that? Because food controlled my life. I was absolutely, 100% out of control. I didn’t want to eat dozens of cookies at a time, but I couldn’t help myself. I felt great while I was eating them(blissfully numb) but I was completely enslaved to the habits. I would spend hours baking. My knees hurt. I couldn’t bend over without hurting my back. My knees throbbed. And still I would keep baking for the big payoff–eating until I was sick. Also, I didn’t like to share. I would eat dozens and allow my children only 2 or–if they were really lucky–three. I was greedy and selfish and just an overall mess. And I knew it was sinful. And I knew it had to stop.
So when I read Romans 6:12-14, I knew I had to memorize it in order to remind myself what I was dealing with. I knew that if Jesus died for my sin and I was no longer a slave to it, He could and would give me the strength to stop sinning. I typed up that verse and hung it over the kitchen sink. When I was tempted to bake cookies or eat foods filled with sugar, I read it–many times with tears streaming down my face.
So there you have it. It’s not a 3 step or 7 step or even a 10 step process. There’s no supplement you have to take or magical, motivational spiel. It’s just the truth as I have learned it. I think this is why Jesus said, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth and the truth will set your free.” In Jesus I have found freedom from slavery to sin via food. Not that I have attained perfection. I am still dealing with my sin and various temptations(which is why I read John Owen). But He gives me the strength to keep fighting to honor Him with my body. If you believe in Him and ask for his help, He will help you too. No matter what sin you are struggling with. And that, my friends, is my un-step guide to learning how to live a healthy lifestyle.
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