“A fool’s lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invites a beating.” – Proverbs 18:6
One of the great joys of parenting is experiencing the world through the eyes of one’s child. A piece of bread tossed into the serrated beak of snow-white duck, the sweet red, white and blue popsicle dripping from a sticky chin onto hot pavement, or the grin from eyes to ears while holding ones first fluffy pet – these are memories that resonate through time like the clink of glasses on New Year’s Eve.
In a similar fashion, however, are the pains of a child whose heart is breaking. One never really forgets the first horror of realizing a friend is not a friend but instead a vile enemy. There are hot tears, gut wrenching sobs, and the numbness of a heart that has gone cold but still continues to beat.
When I was in junior high I had a friend who enjoyed tormenting other children. In my innocence I joined with her in a cruel joke to a mutual friend. The joke was to ignore our friend for no reason and pretend she didn’t exist. My friend suggested the prank and I went along because I didn’t want to be contrary and jeopardize her affection for me. The prank lasted only a few hours before our friend was hurt and crying. The next thing I knew, everyone was angry with me because they had been told it was all my idea. They attacked me and chased me into the restroom where they berated and terrorized me while the girl whose idea it was stood back and smiled. It was a terrible lesson in treachery – both of my own guilt and of the wiles of a person who gets off on picking a fight. Unfortunately, I spent years under the thrall of this girl and ended up in many foolish situations before I learned a true friend doesn’t behave in such a manner.
It’s strange to be an adult and watch my child go through a similar scenario. To see the hot tears, the frustration, the misunderstanding of why someone loves you one day and hates you the next is…horrible. Last week they were hanging out at the arcade and this week parents with no scruples are calling the police. Try as I might to protect my children, there is no escape from people with evil intention.
“A fools mouth is his ruin, and his lips are a snare to his soul.” – Proverbs 18:7
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” – Proverbs 18:21
I feel strange searching for meaning in the ruins of a tattered relationship. What lessons can we learn? What hope can we find for the future? Do we guard our heart in order to protect ourselves from future hurt by barring the gates to new friends? I find myself turning over conversations in my head wondering how things might be different, how I could affect a different outcome. But the results are the same. The pain remains. It’s bad enough as an adult, but to see a child suffer is the worst kind of torment.
I find there really is no immunization for heartache. To love is to risk. But I also find that to forgive truly is sublime. It does no good to cling to bitterness or harbor ill will. Those who are contemptuous drive a stake through their own heart and that is something we cannot remove. But we can let go of the pain and move forward with a clean conscience. This is what I strive to teach my child; love is a beautiful thing. We should never regret giving the gift of love no matter how the relationship ends. We are not responsible for how people respond to us, only how we treat them. Does it hurt? Yes. Can we learn from it? Yes. Can we heal? With God’s help, yes.
I sit here with the pain of past relationships ricocheting through my mind like a bullet. Memories fade but don’t generally evaporate. So I open my bible and I pray. And I remember the words that comfort me when the darkness envelopes my heart and mind:
“A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” – Proverbs 18:24
I know I am both perpetrator and victim. I’ve done my share of wounding and asking forgiveness. Therefore, I too must forgive. And though we walk through the ruins of a relationship gone wrong, we will not stop loving. Jesus made a better way by His blood on the cross and that is the path I choose to take.
Freddy Mercury once sang, “Empty spaces, what are we living for? Abandoned places,
I guess we know the score. On and on, does anybody know what we are looking for?”
We are looking for love. And I believe we only find it through forgiveness and grace. We just have to keep fighting for it. No matter what.
You’re so right, it is almost equal to experience lost intimacy as it is to watch your children experience it!