“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9
I’ve heard it said that our hearts are created to worship. (If you are reading this and do not believe in God or in an all-powerful creator, just bear with me. I promise I’m not trying to convince you of anything. I’m just relating my experience on my particular path).
Worship verb (ADMIRE)
› [T] to feel a lot of love and admiration for someone or something:
So when I say I worship at the altar of cookies, I mean that cookies complete me. Much like Jerry Maguire said to Dorothy Boyd in the movie that bears his name, “You complete me.” Cookies, especially chocolate crackle cookies—which are kind of like a brownie but baked like a cookie) warm a cold spot in my heart. Before I began my journey to learn discipline, I used to bake a double batch of said cookies, make a large plate of them and then sit and indulge. I would eat them slowly, savoring each bite as it dissolved in my mouth. I think it’s fair to say I didn’t just worship cookies, I was obsessed with cookies. To this day I cannot pass by a plate of cookies without pausing and considering the risk, “Can I eat just one?” The answer is no—decidedly no. (which is why I no longer bake cookies at Christmas, but I digress)
I think all of us have something we are addicted to; a vice of sorts. For some people it’s cookies, for others it’s news. My youngest son (age 7) loves the little green twisty ties one uses at the grocery store to tie a produce bag together. For some reason they are completely irresistible to him and therefore my house looks like it has been invaded by little green twisty tie men. I have “coached” him many a time about swiping those pliable pieces, but I admit it’s mostly for selfish reasons. I am tired of cleaning them out of my cupboards, out from under the couch and from out of my dresser. I’ll never understand why he places them strategically so they will fall out and “get” me. Do I have nightmares about little green twisty tie men? Of course not. But they are annoying.
I am extremely sensitive to sugar and was addicted to the white stuff for years before I took strides to rid it from my life. Still, sugar is that dastardly devil that likes to sneak up and nip me in the rear. Or as Sheryl Crow, would say, “You’re my favorite mistake.” Ridding myself of sugar left a massive void in my life. All of my thought processes and behaviors were centered around it so that when I quit “cold turkey” I had to make new habits to take its place. Anyone who has ever tried to quit a habit they deemed unwholesome can empathize. When you quit you have to find something to take its place. If you have never had a bad habit, you are weird and should stop reading this blog. These are not the droids you’re looking for.
Now listen, I’m not saying sugar is inherently evil (at least not in this blog post) but I will say my heart still tends to be utterly consumed by it. When I want it, watch out! Nothing can stop me. Well, almost nothing. Some people are addicted to love. Some people are addicted to heroin. Some people dress up as furry animals and go to rave parties. It reminds me of a song by one of my favorite singers (Jadon Lavik), “We’re all searching for truth, for that one thing we can hold on to.” I would like to postulate that all of us have a hole in our hearts and we are desperately trying to fill it.
My youngest son recently revealed to me his great desire to possess a lot of money. He reasoned, “I want to have a wife one day and if I want kids I need to have a lot of money.” My little guy has been laser focused on this ambition as evidenced by the deficit in his brother’s piggy bank. I have tried to explain that money will never fill the holes in his heart, but he just gives me a blank stare. But this was never more in evidence than this weekend when I encountered a salesman at Sam’s Club. This gentleman wanted to sell me DirecTV. I no longer purchase cable services since my conversion to Roku and antennae television but we had a nice conversation about why I choose not to purchase satellite TV. He was so cordial and kind and easily earned my respect. At the end of my shopping trip I felt led to bless him. I walked over to where he was selling and tried to give him a few dollars for dinner. He blatantly refused. “I don’t want your money.” I persisted and so did he. We ended at a sort of impasse where I said, “God told me to bless you, so this money is not from me, it’s from the Lord.” God forgive me if I was manipulating the situation—I honestly meant to do something nice for that young man. So I slapped the money down on his table and walked away. Two seconds later I looked down and my son was skipping in delight with the money in his hands. Horrified, I asked him, “Did you take the money I just gave that man?!” He shrugged and said, “He said he didn’t want it.” Much to his chagrin, I made him march over and put it back. I was mortified. But greed will do that. It will steal the blessing quicker than you can say stolen.
When our hearts are consumed with lust for that thing—whatever it is—it just takes over. It defies the senses. I have found that the more I indulge in that lust(be it food, pride, or selfish ambition) the more I want it. There is a nicotine patch for smokers who want to quit and AA for alcoholics, but even those things never really fix the problem; the great big gaping hole in our hearts. We just keep cycling through life looking for our next fix until we at last realize with horror that there is no fix and we are desperately broken.
Maybe you are reading this today and don’t consider yourself broken. I understand. You are probably not at the same place in your journey as I am and I kindly ask you to extend grace to me. The truth is, I find myself irrevocably broken, and that is why I follow Jesus.
I have found that while I will always struggle with my addiction to food(and many other things) I have an addiction that never leaves me wanting. The thing is, I don’t generally call it an addiction. It’s more like a relationship…a love relationship. He has helped me break free from the chains of food and sugar and so many other potentially deadly vices.
Today if you are struggling, if you have lost hope that you can ever break free, He will help you if you earnestly ask Him. Jesus once said, “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened.” I believe what he said because I have personally experienced it. The heart wants what the heart wants. My heart wants Jesus.
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