As you know I haven’t been writing on my blog much lately. That is because I have been dealing with a crippling depression. And then I got sick. Really sick. Today I saw a light at the end of my tunnel of darkness so I am taking a moment to write. On a happier note, I did get to mushroom hunt before the flu came to cuddle and this is me with my big sack of morels. Another reason I love being healthy – lots of energy to hike and enjoy creation.
A good friend of mine called me recently and said, “Margaret, I’m looking to kick-start my weight loss regimen. Where should I start?” My brain was like a water balloon swelling with ideas. I could easily spend two hours telling people how to get healthy. In fact, talking about living a healthy lifestyle is probably my favorite thing to do other than writing. But I have learned that when people ask me questions about how to get healthy, they don’t have the capacity for everything I want to tell them. We are a “10 quick and easy steps” type of society. People want the “skinny” and pronto! They don’t want to hear about protein, grains and veggies. “Just tell me how to get rid of the fat already! And don’t tell me to exercise. I hate exercise.”
My friend had the luxury of calling on the phone so she didn’t have to look at me as my eyes crossed and I got all squinty. That happens when I’m trying to process how best to respond without sounding like a jerk. I have said it before and I’ll say it again, when I was fat, I hated talking to people who lost the weight. I secretly cursed them with a “I hope you gain it all back plus 20 pounds.” I really disliked the way they made weight loss sound so easy, like, they just snapped their fingers and the fat melted off. So when my friend asked me how to kick-start her weight loss journey I was completely honest. I said, “Prepare to suffer!”
“You said what?” Yep. That’s what I said. Because honestly, changing one’s lifestyle can be somewhat torturous. That is because human beings are creatures of routine. And food is one of our most comforting behaviors. When you realize you have to cut your calorie intake to lose weight, it’s not a pleasant thought. And when you actually start cutting the calories? Oh HELL!
And that’s just the food issue. When I start talking about exercise people get this look on their face like, “You want me to yodel and hula at the same time? Not gonna happen.” And then I spend the next 10 minutes talking to myself while they smile, nod and silently curse me to regain all the weight plus 20 pounds.
Now that I think about it, I wonder if I when I get that question I should respond with, “What would you like to hear?” That might save me some time and energy. There are many reasons I continue to be successful at keeping the weight off, and none of them are quick and easy. To be honest, some days I don’t even know how I got here because I feel like I have no self-control. But the reality of living a healthy lifestyle is so wonderful, it makes all the bad decisions and bad food days blips in my healthy living continuum.
Yes, diet and exercise are a big chunk of how I lost the weight, but the bigger, more important question was and continues to be, WHY? At the root of that question is the fundamental understanding of who I am as a human being and why I over or under-eat. For that reason, every decision that flows out of my brain is tied to my knowledge of myself and my body. That is why I love to read books about nutrition and exercise, but more importantly, books about addiction. I identify with people who have poor impulse control. Learning more about my weaknesses gives me the courage to turn them into strengths. If I had no true understanding of the way my body responds to refined sugar products, I would probably continue to try and eat them in moderation and fail miserably. Since I developed the patience to learn about my body and how it processes sugar. I now know it is a poison and I must avoid it at all costs. And yes, there is a cost. Sometimes skipping the cake or donuts is emotionally painful and I am sad. But like the recovering alcoholic, if I want to stay sober, I need to abstain.
I had lunch with a good friend today, someone I love beyond words. She cared for me many years ago when I was a fat, deeply insecure person, by loving me just as I was. And yet one of my most painful memories stems from our time together when she slapped a piece of Godiva chocolate out of my hand as I raised it to my mouth. I remember being utterly and completely mortified as I got down on my hands and knees and tried to find where the morsel of food had rolled under a desk while she looked on in abject horror. Her actions did nothing to dissuade me from eating but I honestly knew she loved me and only wanted to help. I forgave her on the spot but I never forgot. Sometimes I want to slap food out of people’s hands too, not because I think they are pigs, but rather because I think I have a better perspective on the deep pain they are in. Obese people suffer every day because being really heavy is a miserable experience.
That is why I have this saying on my desk at work: “Losing weight is hard. Maintaining weight is hard. Staying fat is hard. CHOOSE YOUR HARD!”
So yes, if you want to lose weight, prepare to suffer. The only thing you are choosing between is suffering forever (encompassed by a layer of fat you hate) or suffering by removing the “comfort” you receive from the food that is nourishing you. If you can suffer “well” by depriving yourself of sugar(fat and salt) and push yourself to move a little bit(walk, ride your bike or swim) you can regain your life, one pound at a time. Because even though I suffer now with temptation(donuts, cookies and candy) I would much rather endure the suffering of skipping dessert than the suffering of not being able to sleep because I’m suffocating and my arms are going numb. I lived that way for too many years and I am never, ever going back. So if you are silently cursing me to regain the weight plus 20 pounds, I am going to look at you and think, “you want me to yodel and hula at the same time?” I make this promise here and now….not gonna happen! And that is how a mind is made up. So which side of the fence do you want to sit on? I promise, this side is greener.
Leave a Reply