“Do you mortify; do you make it your daily work; be always at it while you live; cease not a day from this work; be killing sin or it will be killing you.” John Owen
If you don’t know where you’re going, you’ll never get there. When planning a vacation, one generally completes the necessary tasks in order to make it happen. On our recent trip to Gulf Shores, Alabama, I had to pack my clothes, pack our food in coolers, put gas in the car, print out directions, and ask for time off work. I could not get there without doing the necessary work beforehand.
Planning a vacation is not much different than going on a diet. You endure torturous hours of planning, brutal hours of execution and finally, if you are faithful to your road map, you reach your glorious destination. But once the diet is over, you grieve. Sure, you have some great pictures, but all that hard work floats out of the window like a wayward birthday balloon. Sure, you can see it glistening in the sun for a few minutes, but you know without a doubt you will never hold that beautiful bauble in your hands again.
Today I passed by a glorious birthday cake, or at least, what was left of it. I stopped to gaze at the pretty pink roses and sigh. But I’ll let you in on a secret; I wasn’t tempted to take a piece. Now don’t get me wrong, I wanted to eat it. It looked tasty, smelled tasty, and—I’m pretty sure—it was tasty. But as I looked at it, all I could think about was the cakes of years gone by. Like flashbacks from a horror movie, I saw myself sneaking piece after piece back to my desk while I slowly worshiped at the altar of cake. In my pre-healthy days I could eat four or five pieces before I was satisfied, and then I would sneak at least that many home for later consumption. In that thirty second glimpse of cake I saw myself trying to squeeze into yet another pair of pants that had “shrunk”, and wedging myself behind the steering wheel of my too-small driver’s seat. I saw myself crying on the drive home because my zipper had burst again; despair bunched up on my shoulders like the worst kind of emotional baggage while I desperately promised to try another diet “tomorrow.” I’ll never forget how that felt, hopelessness strangling me like a 100 pound python while I screamed helplessly into the void. I took a picture of the cake and passed by, relieved to no longer be in the grip of its tantalizing–yet deadly–tentacles.
When I first began my journey I had little hope of overcoming my desire for food. To this day I am amazed at the courage it took to face myself and just be honest. All I knew was that I wanted to learn how to discipline my body and lose the weight forever. The journey was challenging and rewarding, brutally lonely and blissfully joyful. With each milestone I had a hundred people cheering for me even if I was a little hard on myself. Some days, when food got the best of me and I had to cry myself to sleep, I reminded myself that yes, my mistakes had consequences, but that didn’t change God’s love for me. You see, I grew up with this feeling that every time I failed, I somehow made Him love me less(I know now this wasn’t true). It mattered to me because I loved God and wanted to make Him proud. Maybe that sounds nuts to you, (sorry about that) but my journey to better health has always been about learning discipline because of my love for Jesus. For so many years I felt that if I couldn’t discipline myself with food, I had little hope in managing the rest of my life.
After many years of practice via making healthy choices, I find it much easier to choose a healthy option than an unhealthy one. I freely admit that when I ate Pizza Hut pizza with a friend this summer because that was the only option available and I was starving, I was soul sick. I had to force myself to let it go. It’s not the food(Pizza Hut) that’s sinful, but rather my attitude about it. For me food was always about the experience of eating, not the nourishment of my body. Learning the difference is what helps me maintain my health to this day. I enjoy the benefits of eating right and exercising. So when I came across this verse recently, I realized how true it really is.
“For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” Hebrews 12:11
I do not pretend to be overly righteous(if you don’t know me I’m a very flawed individual), but I can see the fruit of making healthy choices in my body and thought processes. I learned by making hard choices (discipline) that I could overcome my addictions and compulsions by simply making a good choice over and over again. It’s as simple (and challenging) as that. How do you walk a mile? One step at a time. How do you reduce calories? One meal at a time. How do you change your attitude? One thought at a time.
I have been reading a fascinating book by John Owen called “Overcoming Sin and Temptation.” The crux of the book is fairly simple. Kill sin or it will kill you. I read this book as one eats a rich and savory meal, one beautiful sentence at a time. It reiterates so much of my journey which has involved training my mind to fight against my impulses, being diligent to think through the consequences of my actions, and protecting my mind against the deadly thoughts that seek to poison my spirit.
I am thankful for what I am learning on this strange and wonderful journey. I am curious about who or what tomorrow will bring. And I am hopeful that whatever happens next, I remember that for better or worse, I am wholly and abundantly loved by my creator, by no act of my own. And today I chose not to eat the cake and I am really happy about that choice.
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