I was riding my bike through the hills and flatlands of St. Charles, MO on a warm and sunny day recently with a cavity of darkness in my heart. Everywhere I looked I saw the beauty of Fall. Sweet gum Maples shivered in various stages of undress and pin oaks held tight to crisp brown leaves while a lone falcon stood stalwart on quivering power line watching for prey. I pedaled my Jamis hybrid as hard as I could, but not as fast as the other cyclists who passed me with ease. I had awoken with a blackness in my mind and was pedaling with the hope that I would find some peace from the terrible tremors that shook me in the night. Sadly, all I felt was the numbness in my toes from a cold and callous breeze, and an ache in my sternum from hunching and gripping the handlebars of my bike. In addition to these physical pangs I experienced a loneliness I cannot quite put into words. I grasped at sanity like an arthritic woman grapples for her pain pills, but sanity would not be found and I was left with few options but to keep pedaling.
Sometimes we find ourselves on lonely highways with only a long stretch of cracked pavement in front of us. So it is with a friend of mine who is facing an unexpected surgery. So many of her hopes have been dashed by the cruel circumstances of life that this proposed surgery now rises up before her like a hoary giant with a spiked club ready to smash her skull to bits and pieces. Often it is not the sudden freakish illness that destroys our confidence, but rather the slow and steady drip of adversity over days and months that robs us of peace. As I listened to her trembling voice, I felt the echo of a thousand questions pulsating through my own mind. I prayed for words but came face to face with my own doubt instead.
Why doesn’t God answer our prayers the way we want (or need) him to? Why does he let the husband die suddenly from melanoma? Why does the womb of the woman longing to be a mother remain empty? Why does the infant die in the night? Why must we suffer with physical ailments that cripple us? These questions and more plague my mind on days when the sun is shining but my heart is heavy.
I recently read an article about The Hallmark Channel. The writer expresses her frustration with life and offers the sappy, Christmassy feel good movies offered up as a nostalgic escape from reality. I like these movies too! The handsome fellow always charms the girl, there is usually a sweet kiss at the end, and everybody lives “happily ever after”. These warm stories provide a way of escape from the real world. My problem is that when they are over, I look over at my husband and tend to feel I’ve lost out. I begin to question why he isn’t like the guy on the flashing box? Why aren’t my children perfectly manicured and articulate? Why doesn’t I wake up in the morning looking as fresh and crease free as the heroin? These same stories once led me to believe beauty was the antidote to loneliness, money was the cure for poverty, and romance was real love. Now I perceive these misshapen assumptions as broken down vehicles on the real highways of life.
Real and true sorrow does not abate on the wings of fantasy. Fake it until you make it only gets one so far. So when our loved ones are lying a hospital bed and the prognosis is grim, we fly to them and pray, “God, where are you? We need you to show up right now!” And because we are so accustomed to the fantasy happy ending we expect our fairy godmother god to show up and bippity boppity boo us to good health and happiness. The problem is, the real God doesn’t work that way and he wants more for us than our temporary, transient, easily pleased fancies could ever dream of.
“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.” (Hebrews 11:1,3)
There are some who believe there is no God. They reason that a “loving God” would not allow suffering, pain and death. I understand this sentiment but do not ascribe to it. Instead, I believe in a being who created everything and then allowed us to not choose him. He granted us autonomy and we are living in the sludgy mess of what that actually looks like. We told him to kiss off and then we wonder why out lives are bleak and grim. But the most wonderful truth is, he is not far from any of us. He is close. He loves us. And He is only waiting for our hearts to wake up and realize our blunder and run fast into his arms where he waits to comfort us.
I picked up a few cds at the thrift store a few weeks ago and have been listening to them. My favorite is Handel’s Messiah by the London Symphony orchestra. I was driving to work this past week and wondering how to keep going. When the darkness of physical and emotional pain consume my soul, often music is my only comfort. I was aiming at Christmas cheer on the drive to work and instead heard “He shall feed his flock like a shepherd.” When the soloist sings, “and He shall give you rest,” I felt the dam break. The words come from Matthew 11:28, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
The rest that He offers is so much better than the schmaltzy stuff offered by the Hallmark channel. His rest is soul-satisfying and sweet. It comforts, consoles and heals the broken heart. It promises that one day we shall suffer no longer–not with physical ailments, empty wombs, or life-threatening seizures.
“And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” (Matthew 10: 28-31)
So, dear friend, if you are reading this and feel defeated and without hope or solace, take heart. There is one who longs to comfort you and give you rest. He has promised to come if we call. He sees us traversing the cracked and broken highways. He knows we are pedaling hard and not really getting anywhere. And He is only waiting for us to invite Him into the empty cavities in our hearts.
Beloved, if you follow Jesus on the cracked highways of life, please know that you are never forsaken and you will never walk alone.
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