How to Overthrow the Evil Dictator in Your Kingdom

I went to bed hungry last night. It seems almost unfathomable to me to write that. My hunger was more for dessert than dinner, so when I say “hungry” I mean that I wanted ice cream or chocolate. I had eaten a light dinner(grilled chicken salad) and since my stomach wasn’t hurting(true hunger) I decided to lay down and go to sleep rather than eat a bunch of junk. I haven’t had the discipline to do this for a very long time for several reasons, all of which are terribly embarrassing.

I don’t write about my addiction to food very much but it is a very present reality in my life. The reason I don’t like to write about it is because words have power, and if I am not careful I give my compulsions too much strength when I would rather rest in God’s grace to help me overcome them. I make light of wanting treats sometimes, but my desire for food can be a terrible burden. And it’s not just a lifetime of bad habits that gets me, it’s the true nature of the desires that lurk deep in my heart where no one can see them.

Pride is a problem. It distorts everything. Pride is at the root of all selfishness and when given free reign it steals the very thing it promises to give; namely, peace. I could go off on a tangent about the culture I live in, but at this moment I would rather focus on the culture of me. I define personal culture as the place I dwell when no one else is watching. The Kingdom of Margaret is a truly terrifying place to dwell. The ruler there is a tyrant; demanding and unforgiving. She also makes false promises and then punishes when she doesn’t achieve the desired result. She is only and always looking to protect, preserve and promote the kingdom, even and especially at the expense of others. Even worse, she pretends her kingdom is the best when she knows differently. Make no mistake, her gates may look strong, but her kingdom is full of dead men’s bones.

I get anxious when I think about being hungry. For me there is no greater disaster than an empty belly. I would rather exercise the cartilage out of my knees than suffer with a small meal or skip dessert. That’s the cold, hard truth. Therefore I am always at war with myself when I consider what I should eat as opposed to what I want to eat. I am thankful that I have learned about nutrition and how to nourish my body, but that doesn’t cure the fundamental desire to eat until my stomach is distended. Temperance in regards to food is an excruciating discipline and one that only works until my resolve holds out. Because I have to eat. I have no choice. And when the mental barrier falls under the battering ram of desire, I am dissolute. That is why the only hope I have found is in surrendering my kingdom to a better ruler. There is a king who knows infinitely more about how to take care of my realm, and I am learning that the only time I find true satisfaction, true peace, and true pleasure is when I submit to his authority.

Tasty sweet goodness!

I woke up very hungry this morning, and as a rule the first thing I did was check social media. I’m not proud of it. It’s a terrible/wonderful habit. I checked on my Marine son and some of my friends. And that is when I saw it–the most beautiful picture of a homemade cinnamon roll. Today is March 20th and the last time I had a homemade cinnamon roll was on Christmas when I baked some for my family. I have included a picture here for your viewing pleasure. Normally when I see a picture of food, the first thing I do is think about how to procure it for myself for consumption as quickly as humanly possible. Then I have a little argument with myself about whether it is good for me, or how many calories it contains, or if it’s worth the price of the guilt I’ll feel later. But this morning a very curious thing happened. Last night I prayed before I went to bed that God would give me the strength NOT to eat dessert and also to NOT eat in the middle of the night(another embarrassing habit). I laid down my desire for food at His feet and went to bed with peace in my heart. This morning that peace was still reigning in my heart and mind when I saw the picture of the cinnamon roll. So when I found myself chuckling at a memory, I was more than a little shocked. I will share it here in the hopes that it encourages someone else who is struggling. If we lay our burdens at Jesus feet and fully submit to his will, He promises to be a faithful ruler and he will take care of us.

I was 310 pounds at my heaviest. The first form of exercise I did was walking around my neighborhood in Ferguson, Missouri. Ferguson is marked for its hills, none of which are as steep or foreboding as the hill that ascends from Paul Avenue up Elizabeth Avenue. A few months into my journey, after I had lost about 50 pounds, I began to work out in the mornings instead of the evenings. Those walks were still really hard, and I’ll be honest, I frequently wanted to quit–especially when faced with that hill! What I didn’t realize was that there are several bakeries in Ferguson, one of which sits back off of Paul Avenue and St. Louis Avenue(right at the base of it). Much to my horror, I could smell the donuts and other delicacies baking as I walked by. For at least 10 full minutes and at several different intervals during the hill, I would have to deal with the wonderful smells while I pumped my arms and sweated. So often I would cry, enduring that smell and knowing I could not consume the food at the source of it. The discouraging thoughts were so overwhelming,and I felt so helpless to combat them, that I had no other choice but to give them to Jesus. I made it a practice to walk and pray and look up at the moon and stars. Every time I passed the sweet-smelling bakery, I would lift up my heart and say, “Please take my desire for donuts today. I can’t bear that burden. It’s too much for me.” And every day He did, even though I never got used to the smell of that stupid bakery.

This morning when I saw the picture of the cinnamon roll, that memory was a pleasant reminder that when I give my desires to him, he is faithful to help me overcome (the worst of) them. The picture of that sweet pastry caused me to have a pleasant association with the abstaining of it rather than a strong longing for it. And that is why God is a better ruler of my kingdom than me. Because when I submit my weaknesses to him, he takes my selfish desires and replaces them with a deep and abiding sense of peace. So rather than the cycle of self-torture by way of gorging my stomach and then regretting it, or even worse, self-torturing myself for days or even months by abstaining until I finally give in to my food lust, God reminded me that when I give him my fleshly desires, he gives me the full satisfaction of my heart in Him.

Today if you are struggling with any form of addiction, I encourage you to pursue a new ruler of your kingdom who will help overthrow the evil dictator and bring peace to your land. He is real. He is able. And He loves you. Jesus is teaching me that discipline is a sweet surrender in the most wonderful way possible. Because the ability to view the omission of my favorite desserts without flying into a panic is a most beautiful experience of my life.