Say Goodbye to Guilt

I went on a bike ride today. I was tired and I’m not certain it was what I really wanted to do. Sometimes I just don’t feel good and I know that exercise will help. If nothing else, it helps clears the cobwebs from my brain. But today my ride was more motivated by guilt.

The weather was perfect. Not too hot for an August afternoon. And while I did marvel at the beautiful cloud strewn sky as I pedaled out of the city and into the country, in the back of my mind I was paying penance for eating something I maybe shouldn’t have. And there is nothing more joyless than working out from guilt rather than sincere fun.

And maybe that is why as I was riding down a back country road I began to feel a little like Eddie Murphy in The Nutty Professor screaming, “Spandex!” after his magic potion for shrinking his body overnight worked. I felt awkward because spandex is not only tight, but because it wasn’t so long ago I was terrified to wear anything so revealing. Back in the day, I wore only baggy clothes because I felt I could hide my fat rolls in them. They made me feel safe and secure when losing weight was nothing more than a fantasy.

The fear of gaining the weight back has taken a back seat to other health concerns lately, but every so often it rears its ugly head. And while I know my waistline is not the most important byline, it is so easy to slip back into old habits. Especially because I still have “trigger” foods.

Today I attended a luncheon at my church, Riverside Church in Webster Groves, MO. It’s a wonderful place where nobody condemns anybody and people are just generally really nice. They faithfully loved me through a huge physical transformation and I just really feel safe there. But all of that aside, today I made a huge pan of blueberry cornbread and I ate 2 pieces. I suppose this isn’t a big deal to most folks but for me it’s scary. I don’t eat a lot of bread because generally, once I start consuming it, I struggle to stop. Even worse, the feeling that I had committed “carbohydrate sin” was so powerful that when I went to help my son get dessert I actually reached for the donuts while thinking, “While I’m here I may as well eat donuts too!” That’s an awful, old lie I used to believe and give in to many moons ago after I had eaten something I wasn’t supposed to. So as I was reaching for the donuts, I pulled my hand back and called the lie out for what it was. And then I helped my son get his dessert and walked away.

Except I still felt residual guilt for that goofy cornbread.

I was praying about this guilt and giving it back to the Lord when one of my favorite Andrew Peterson songs began to play. “Be Kind to Yourself” is a wonderful mantra for those moments we are punishing ourselves for transgressions we have committed. He sings, “When the voices in your mind are anything but kind, and you’d rather be anyone else… I love you just the way that you are.” And it just grounded me in the wonderful knowledge of the grace that I have received. I am loved just the way that I am. It was a wonderful reminder.

Today I feel victorious because I did not eat the donuts I reached for. I feel victorious because I ate a reasonable dinner(I did not overeat). Today I feel victorious because God once again reminded me that I need to stop punishing myself. Yes, there are consequences to overeating and eating foods that harm my body, but those things are completely separate from the love of my heavenly Father.

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 8:38-39

Today I am adding to that list… “nor eating too much cornbread” and I am forgiving myself. And I am moving forward.

I went on a bike ride today and remembered that I am loved just the way that I am. If you are reading this and feeling condemned, this is just a gentle reminder that you are loved too.

And I am glad I went on that bike ride rather than sit at home and fester. Because I saw the most amazing field of sunflowers. And the sunflowers reminded me with their upturned faces that being happy is as much a choice as letting go of guilt.