Life is messy. It’s unruly, frantic, and often ignoble. For those of us who do not live “ivory tower” lives, we struggle with the day-to-day tasks that steal our joy. Laundry. Purchasing new tires for cars. Arguing with a teenager who makes unreasonable demands. Or is this just me? Thus we look forward to things like vacation because we know we will have time to relax, rest, and rejuvenate.
So it was that I went into the Thanksgiving holiday with a whole host of expectations. Sleep late. Read a good book. Avoid shopping at stores at all costs. I wanted to be intentional with the holiday this year. I wanted to spend time with and appreciate my family, and I really wanted to practice gratitude.
I also wanted to avoid compulsive eating. Thanksgiving feasts are a nightmare for a food addict like me. I very much want to not think about food all the time, but that seems nigh impossible. I have built a lot of healthy habits over the past few years and I use these in my arsenal to fight against the tendency to overeat, but that does not mean it is easy. So many traditions are bound up with food. These are good traditions! Happy traditions! And I am grateful for the many years I have enjoyed my mom’s pumpkin and cherry pies, and roasted turkey with gravy and stuffing. These “staples” are delightful. They are also fodder for temptation.
Now many will argue that Thanksgiving is specifically for overeating, but I disagree. To put the focus on this one pleasure is too narrow a construct. As the memes on social media aptly pointed out, the payoff isn’t nearly as plentiful as the preparation presupposes. Besides, is this really all there is to look forward to? Stuffing food into our faces? If I have learned anything over the past 9 years of living a healthy lifestyle, consuming tasty victuals will never satisfy the soul. I realize Thanksgiving is a national holiday that most American’s celebrate so we must deal with the inevitable feasting mentality. I would only like to propose that we often miss the opportunities to really connect with our friends and family.
We all crave human connection. We need people to affirm us, motivate us, and validate our existence. Anyone who has ever felt lonely in a crowd can attest to the basic human need to be seen and cared for. Too often we gather with family and spend time conversing on banal topics that promote friction rather than deeper relationships. There are many good reasons for this. We all have deep wounds from familial dysfunction. We either don’t know how to step outside the conversational grooves we have trod over the years or are not willing to change them. We facilitate the same meaningless conversations because we are fearful to talk about the deep subjects that really matter to us. We argue, or passive aggressively bait and bolt, and then go home and take out our frustrations on the people we live with. Or worse, we’ve given up spending time with our family’s altogether because we are all one big bundle of hurt feelings. Most importantly, we don’t know how to forgive. We cling to our hurts as if they are badges of honor, like somehow our wounds and scars make us tougher.
I don’t have a perfect answer to these problems; I only notice the patterns and wish they could be remedied. I know I’m not alone. I also know I am both victim and perpetrator and I have a tendency toward self-medication via overeating. Thus the holidays—for me and many others—are excruciating.
We overindulge. We drink too much alcohol, eat too much pie, and sometimes find relief in unmentionable substances that are slowly killing us. Namely, we harvest and carry the fruit that grows from our bitter roots rather than excising the ache and trying to find a salve that will cure the problem and kill that horrible weed forever.
Facing the root of our relational problems is messy business and many will argue that the Thanksgiving (or Christmas!) table is the very last place to start. Still, it’s worth considering. I’m not talking about shouting angry words and accusations. I would merely suggest asking humble questions with kindness and respect in order to chart a course to peace and harmony. We must find the courage to not only forgive those who have wounded us, but to ask forgiveness for the wounds we have caused. Often we don’t even know we have wounded and therefore we need honesty without vitriol. Then we must let go in love. Real love is not the squishy feeling we get while watching a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie. Real love fights to maintain the relationship because it respects and cherishes the human being with whom one is at odds. Real love chooses to forgive even if the hurt is incredible and embarrassment may result. But isn’t it worth the risk?
I may sound like a broken record with my Jesus talk but I have learned a lot of good things from Him over the years. One important thing he taught was that hatred is the same as murder.
“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire.” – Matthew 5: 21-22
Therefore we must forgive and love if we are to follow his ways. It is something I need help with daily. But he always gives me more grace.
The grace of God is a beautiful thing. We accept it so casually as if it costs him nothing. We say, “God forgive my sins!” while we harbor treacherous thoughts about our neighbors. This grace was never meant to be internalized and put away like a pet rock. This grace was meant to be shared—especially with our families.
We settle for mere food when we could be feasting with our families with a grateful heart. Maybe some of you are, and this blog will not apply to you. Maybe others have tried this approach and failed (or felt like you failed). Yet others are reading this from a place of loneliness and brokenness that has driven you to despair. To the hurting one I would gently encourage you to keep trying. Cry out to God for help and ask him to repair what is broken. He may not fix it, but you can move forward knowing you did everything you could to make things right. Remember, He is a mighty king and He loves you.
I didn’t overeat this year but I sorely wanted to. I had one piece of pie and ate my vegetables and turkey in moderation. I had my own share of familial drama but also fought for peace with those I love. This was stressful and difficult but worth the effort. I enjoyed some down time with my son—hiking at Weldon Springs Conservation Area and slept late 3 days in a row. I even found a wonderful book at the St. Vincent De Paul thrift store in St. Charles, MO. “The Same Kind of Different as Me” gave me even more reasons to practice gratitude for the many blessings in my life.
Christmas is right around the corner. If you feel you missed your chance to extend an olive branch to your friends and loved ones at Thanksgiving and you are still alive, take heart! You still have more time. But seriously, pray for help and try again. Rather than settling for the small pleasure of a super-full belly and a lot of meaningless chit chat, press into what matters most; love. You are worth it and so are they.
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