Pity Party for One

I have recently encountered a series of quite unfortunate events. And to be honest, I was actually okay with all the bad stuff happening until this morning, when I caught a whiff of the most recent “accident”. My son called me at work and described to me the demise(by way of my boxer dog and some gutter installation men) of the new laptop I recently purchased. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back, the raindrop that caused the dam to burst, the clot that caused the heart to “attack”. It is the third device I’ve lost this month(my phone, my tablet and now my laptop). And if all of that wasn’t bad enough, I tripped and smacked my face on the granite counter-top on Saturday – after losing my beloved dog, Gwen. If there is a lottery for bad luck, I seem to have hit the jackpot!

As I was dressing for work this morning, I realized I would not be able to wear makeup because my face is too tender. I looked in the mirror and considered the bruised up old hag staring back at me, and then I headed off to work. Because seriously, what else am I going to do? Pouting won’t make the purple smudges under my eyes go away. At least, it hasn’t worked so far.

Even after the facial “incident” I wasn’t too worried about my appearance because I was too busy being excited about a family reunion on Sunday where I was planning to see relatives I haven’t seen in many years. As we chatted and caught up on life events, I felt such an enormous sense of belonging. My cousins are dealing with all the same issues I face every day, and not one of them looked at me and said, “Hey, Hag! I can’t talk to you because you’re too difficult to look at.” And I am so thankful for that. At a different time in my life I would have felt really self-conscious about my injuries.
But there was one conversation that really bugged me. One of my cousins expressed to me her dismay over having gained weight since the last time we saw each other. As I listened to her explain her situation, I was sincerely perplexed by how best to respond. Because honestly, the very last thing I considered important was how much she weighed. I was just so dang happy to see her! In fact, I can think of about a million other things I wanted to know about; namely her job, her father, and her angora bunny rabbit(I used to have one). I wanted to put on hand on her shoulder and kindly say, “I love you—the whole you. And I think you are just as beautiful today as you were when we were kids.”

Image isn’t everything.

Our bodies do not define who we are.

Much the same way our bodily “defects” don’t define our personhood, “bad luck” doesn’t determine our personhood. There is an old saying, “Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone.” I would postulate that a truer statement has never been written. When we experience unfortunate events, many times those closest to us “abandon ship.” Suddenly they are too busy to return our phone calls or associate with us. Maybe they even deem us deserving of the bad circumstances due to “poor choices”. Or as my husband likes to say, “If you would just follow the proper procedures, I wouldn’t have to tell you ‘I told you so’ all the time when things go wrong.” Oy!

I am very sad to write that I have lost several good friends over the years because they didn’t agree with decisions I’ve made. Losing a close friend is quite painful, especially when they won’t even tell you why they are walking away. For this reason, I try very hard not to complain when life gets me down. Candidly, I am absolutely terrified the people I love and cherish will abandon me if I tell them how I really feel.

Have we become a culture so focused on image that we can’t see through to the heart of people we claim to love? Have we become so accustomed to prosperity that we can’t bear with the one who is losing everything? Are we so consumed with scratching our pleasure itch that we neglect the starving souls in our communities?

A dear friend of mine is going through a particularly bad string of luck(much worse than mine). She has lost her job and her home, and for that reason she has begun to sell or give away most of her possessions. She has confided in me that her deepest pain is dealing with the children she loves, all of whom seem to think that she is either crazy or just plain stupid. And I grieve because I know how she feels. Because I too have suffered that kind of judgment and spent many tears into my pillow in that regard.

Maybe that is why Jesus said, “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:12-13)

So today, I was thinking about my own string of pain, of bad luck, of sorrow and disappointments. And the thing I decided was this; I resolved not to have a pity party. No matter how much I wanted to sing, “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to” I’m not gonna. Instead, I’m going to stop worrying about how much my stuff cost and how much I’m going to spend to replace it, and I’ll consider someone who is in real need. I’m going to stop thinking about my poor face and consider those who have permanent scars and live daily with the downcast eyes and pitiful stares of strangers. And I’m going to seek ways to help other people. Because I think that’s what Jesus would do. And then I’m going to consider my friends who are having a tough time and I have decided that regardless of what I think about their decisions, I’m going to love them where they are for who they are, and not who I think they should be. And it’s actually a lot easier to write than it is to live.

And then I’m going to salvage what I can of my poor, broken laptop. And I’m not even going to grieve it because it’s just a thing. And people are far more important and meaningful.

Oh, and self-pity is dumb.