Destination Discipline

Last night I watched a documentary on PBS. Actually, it was more like a horror movie and I was the unsuspecting victim. I saw myself walking down the aisles of my local drug store perusing my favorite aisle–the supplement corridor of good health–when suddenly a giant monster jumped out from in between the shelves, bonked me on the head, and gave me a brain aneurysm. Or even better, a slow wasting cancer. And then I paid him handsomely for my trouble and quietly walked away. That’s what I felt like while watching the show. Okay, so maybe I’m naive, but this was all news to me. So let’s get this straight… I can’t trust politicians, or food labels, or news anchors, or non-organic food. I can’t trust weather men/women, or big banks, or antibiotics or chocolate. And now I’m not even safe in the supplement aisle. For the love of humanity, I doomed! What’s left? People? As one of my favorite Australian reality TV celebrities used to say, “Crikey!” You can’t trust them either! Ugh!

So I slept in late and skipped my workout. Because, seriously, why bother? I’ve spent a small fortune on vitamins A through zinc, glucosamine(for achy joints), St. John’s Wort for depression and, well, the list is pretty long so I’ll just stop there. And now I learn that most of the supplements on the market don’t actually have the ingredients in them that the label says they have. They are, in fact, unregulated. I must be the pharmaceutical companies most gullible victim! Of course it could be worse. A friend of mine recently told me about this guy, which leads me to ask the question, who isn’t chasing the almighty dollar?

Some people chase money. Some people chase power. I like to chase beauty. I mean, why not? Pretty people are popular, and who doesn’t want to be attractive? But let’s be honest, being pretty in and of itself is not satisfying either. Sure, the media and various companies who want you to buy their products will tell you that it is, but if that is really true, explain to me why beautiful people are so unhappy. I know you’ve met them, the Omarosa’s of the world. They look nice, but deep down they are just a villain waiting to pounce on your happiness and twist you up with their manipulative schemes. So what’s left when pretty isn’t enough? That is the question I was asking myself today. Why am I trying to live a healthy lifestyle when it feels like I not only can’t trust anyone or anything, but I can’t even trust myself?

I don’t necessarily equate “healthy” with carrots and other assorted “rabbit food”, even though I did eat salad for lunch and cooked carrots for dinner. I ate them because I like them and I feel really good after ingesting them. I have learned that healthy can not only taste great, but have fewer calories and provide all the nutrition my body needs. And since I’ve learned that supplements are produced by companies dead set on trying to swindle me out of my money, why not go straight to the source? This was my lunch today:

Margaret’s Tasty Vegetable Viddles (Salad)
Spinach leaves
Romaine lettuce
Tomatoes
Onions
Grilled Chicken
Blue Cheese
Raspberry Vinagrette Dressing (only 30 calories per 2 tablespoons)

I threw it all in a bowl and tossed it together and wallah! Yum–ee! I don’t feel like I’m on a diet. In fact, I just feel happy. So if I’m wondering what healthy looks like, this is it!

Healthy also looks like this… My morning at work was very busy. About 10:00am I began to feel guilty for skipping that workout. I knew I needed to make a trip to the 10th floor of my building and that the elevator was the fastest route. But rather than hop on, I decided to see if I could take the stairs(from floor 3). In case you were wondering, that’s 140 steps. And I did it. And it wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t impossible. In fact, it felt pretty healthy. And if I’m really being honest, it was totally awesome when I reached the top step and I didn’t die.

And lastly, healthy also looks like this. Why is do we think chubby babies and puppies are adorable but chubby grown ups are not? It simply doesn’t make sense. Who decides that skinny people are more attractive than not-so-skinny people? If you ask me, I think it’s some crazy marketing mogul pursuing the almighty dollar.

So now that I’ve said all that, I feel really good about myself and you should too. Haven’t reached your goal weight? Don’t fret. Keep working at it. Keep making one healthy choice at a time. Eventually you will get there. And then you will gain some weight back(like me) and then you will lose it again. The point should never be about what you weigh anyway. Living a healthy lifestyle begins and ends with a positive attitude.

Sometimes I have a really hard time fighting the voices in my head. The voices that tell me I’ve failed because I’ve gained weight and am struggling to restrain my food intake. The voices that screech that I can’t exercise hard enough or long enough to burn enough calories to lose the weight again, so I may as well just give up and eat some cookies. The voices that pound at me that I’m less of a person or not good enough and I should just give up. Maybe it’s winter and I’m cold and tired, but this relentless onslaught is wearing on me. So I thought I would share with my readers what I am doing to combat these insidious voices in the hopes that you will be encouraged and inspired not to give up with me.

The voices are liars. My self-worth is not dependent on the shape of my body. This morning I picked up a Wall Street Journal magazine I brought home from work. It depicts Karlie Kloss in various poses with real rocket ships(though one hardly notices the ships). I noticed how thin and frail she looks, and how our culture has obviously decided this is the physical standard for which all women should adhere to. I just have one question….why? If the goal is to be attractive to the opposite sex and induce lust, how does that contribute to women as human beings instead of objects of gratification? If it is an encouragement for women to look like that, I don’t want that. I think she looks silly. And I’m not saying that because I’m jealous of her body type. I’m saying that because I don’t want to walk around starving all the time just so I can be attractive to the opposite sex. I am more than that.

The voices are liars. My self-worth is not dependent on the state of my mental faculties. Sometimes I’m sad for no reason. I can’t process information. I can’t even formulate a proper response when people speak to me. Maybe I’m tired. Maybe I’m stressed out. Am I less of a person because I can’t contribute to the conversation at any given moment? Maybe I let someone gossip and didn’t correct them. Or maybe I stared at my computer too long instead of producing the desired amount of work. I must remember my body is fragile and needs to rest. I cannot push and push all the time. I need to forgive myself. I’m always telling my children to be kind. Today I am telling me to be kind….to myself.

The voices are liars. My self-worth is not dependent on success or failure. I need to quit thinking I’m a loser just because I’ve put on a few pounds. It doesn’t mean I’ve failed the war. For that matter, what am I really fighting for? I want to be healthy. I want to feel good and do the physical things I love like exploring nature and climbing a hill without feeling like I’m going to have a heart attack. At this point in my life I am able to control this with diet and exercise. Some people cannot. I should be grateful I can still fight. So am I really losing? Heck no. I’m winning by a landslide!

The voices are liars. My self-worth is not dependent on my feelings at any given moment. I can’t trust my feelings. This is why good friends and my family are so important. I need them to speak into my life at my low moments and remind me that I am loved–regardless of anything else. Because real friends love me regardless of how much I weigh, and they love me even if my hair is grody and I stink, or if I’m sick. Feelings are transient. They are an important part of my anatomy, but they are not the most important thing, and they are definitely not to be trusted when I don’t feel good.

Yesterday I was feeling very low. I didn’t want to exercise. I wanted to rest. So I didn’t. And then in the afternoon I felt like exploring, so I took my best little guy, my buddy Tank, and we went to Cuivre River State Park and hiked along Big Sugar Creek. It was cold and it was muddy. And we had so much fun, even though we only lasted about 2 hours. We listened to Slugs and Bugs on the drive home and laughed about eating beans. And then we cuddled. The sunlight helped, and so did the fresh air. I’ll admit, I am SO over winter right now.

This morning arrived and I felt no better. I realized I needed to make a decision. I could either stay in bed and start eating cookies, or vegetate on the couch with the news(all of which will only make my mood worse), OR I could try to exercise and put myself in the right mental state. I knew I might not get there, but I had to at least try. So I pulled out the yoga mat and did strength training. And then for fun I did some step aerobics. And then, I ate a yummy salad with avocado, tomatoes, onions and cheese instead of the grilled cheese I really wanted. And then I put bread with peanut butter out for the birds and watched my favorite wren nibble on it. And honestly, I don’t physically feel that much better, but mentally I feel fantastic. Because sometimes trying means winning, and it is the single most important thing we can do.

Living a healthy lifestyle is not for the faint of heart. It is a discipline that must be practiced ESPECIALLY when I don’t feel like it and ESPECIALLY when the voices in my head won’t stop badgering me. Today if you are reading this and you feel helpless and hopeless, listen to these words…

Your life has meaning and value.

You are not alone in your struggles.

Do not, under any circumstances, quit.

Success and failure are not gauged by the scale or by what other people think of you.

Every life has value. From the person who cannot rise from their hospital bed to the obese person who struggles to climb the stairs(that was me!). And that is a good reminder to myself today. I can still rise of my own accord. And I have a lot of people who love me. I am blessed beyond measure. But even if those two things were not true of my life, I would still have value. Because the greatest truth I know is that God loves me and cares about me. And that is a precious truth indeed.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Jesus (Matthew 11:28-30)

People fascinate me. Just when I think I’m the oddest duck in the room, I meet a man in line at the grocery store who describes to me the portrait he just finished painting of Elvis welcoming the aliens who are dressed like him and gesturing in classic Elvis fashion. And then it occurred to me that maybe he thought I was odd for commenting on the irony of magazine placement; one of which depicted a stack of cookies(a food magazine) and the other a picture of a woman with six pack abs(a health magazine). My question to him was, “What kind of culture tells us to indulge our every craving while at the same time exhorting us to have “beautiful” bodies?” To which he replied with his fascination of science fiction. Upon further reflection I see how our conversation was actually addressing the same topic: our culture of fantasy.

Escapism feels like a human birthright. I know when stress or pain or boredom strikes me, my natural tendency is to pick up a book or the TV remote and “zone out.” It placates me for a while(usually until I fall asleep). And then I wake up and begin the next day with its trouble and joy and terror, only to find some other excuse to escape again. Last night, after a long day at work and a fairly serious appointment with a new endocrinologist, I decided that rather than indulge in fiction, I would watch the Republican National Debate on Youtube. We no longer have cable(to save money) but we have a Roku and so I can watch pretty much anything my heart desires any time I want to watch it. I watched it with the same level of interest that I watched the President of the United States give his State of the Union address. I want to be informed. I want to make conscious decisions when I vote. I do not generally think of those types of programs as escapism, at least not usually. So I did laugh when Gov. Chris Christie quipped about “watching story time with President Obama” in reference to the State of the Union address. I find it ironic that one politician would accuse another politician of producing fiction when I thought that was pretty at the top of their key responsibility statement.

Why do I say that? Well, I had a conversation with a co-worker recently who was trying to convince me of the capability of one candidate over the others. He told me that candidate would most likely be the next Republican presidential nominee “because he says what the people want to hear.” I’m not quick with a smart aleck retort, but if I was I would have said, “The diet industry makes billions of dollars telling people what they want to hear all the time. That doesn’t make what they say true.”

“Ten thousand people shouting the same thing make it false, even if it happens to be true.” Soren Kierkegaard.

A question I frequently ask people in conversation is, “How do I know when someone is telling the truth or telling a lie?” I can’t see their heart. I can’t always know their motives. And then there is always point of view and perspective. For that matter, how do I know I’m telling the exact truth as I write this. I’ll bet the man in line at the grocery store thinks something entirely different of our conversation. His “truth” and my “truth” are probably completely different species of animals(or aliens). So when I consider politicians and their campaign promises, I am truly perplexed as to what I should believe. Which is why I usually form an opinion based on the content of their character. If you listen to someone long enough and watch how they behave, you can at least form a fairly accurate opinion, at least until they do something out of character, at which point I have to start all over again.

As I consider my responsibility in regards to voting for the next president of the United States of America, I very much want to contribute to the election of someone who closes mirrors my value system. But in the age of fantasy, where so much of what I see on television is fiction–even the words used by the people I am supposed to vote for, how do I know which one is the right one? It feels so impossible. I feel like I am drowning in a sea of illusion as I search for the one truth thing that will save me from the cacophony of nonsense. To be fair, I feel this way not only about our political system, but about health and fitness, the people I work with and religion in general. I tend towards the cynical when I feel like someone is trying to profit from my opinion, hence my disdain for prosperity doctrine.

So this morning I went searching for truth. I just want something tangible–something solid–something real. I want to remember who I am and what I believe. I want someone who isn’t trying to sell me something or earn my vote. I want someone who won’t profit from my opinion or reject me when my words don’t fit with their world view. I don’t want the illusion that our next president will keep me safe or solve my financial woes. I don’t want the lie that losing weight will make me happy. I don’t want the fantasy that eating ice cream will solve my emotional problems. I want the screeching hoard to stop until I can only hear the One voice that speaks comfort to my soul; Jesus.

I opened up my bible to the book of Luke and began to read the eye witness testimony of someone who walked with Jesus. I read the words Jesus said while he was alive, and the comfort he offered to the tired, worn and weary. I am not the first person who has cried out to him for help, nor will I be the last. But I am grateful He makes sense of my senselessness. He makes light shine in my darkness. He is my one true hope.

“After this he went out and saw a tax collector named Levi, sitting at the tax booth. And he said to him, “Follow me.” And leaving everything, he rose and followed him. And Levi made him a great feast in his house, and there was a large company of tax collectors and others reclining at the table with them. and the Pharisees and their scribes grumbled at his disciples, saying, “Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?” And Jesus answered them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.” -Luke 5:27-32

If you are new to my blog you may see that I have a little problem with food. I like to eat. A lot. My daily struggle with addiction threatens to drown me. Jesus is my only sanity. He shines light into the fantasies I hear and the fantasies I create for myself. I’m sick and He is my great physician. Some people might think I’m just as nuts as I thought the guy in line at the grocery store was. And that’s okay. We are all entitled to our opinions. To any and all skeptics I say this, He’s real to me. And that’s all that really matters.