Destination Discipline

I would like to share the story of my good friend, Janice Skaggs. She is a co-worker and someone who inspires me daily with her positive attitude and sheer grit. By grit I mean that she is fighting the good fight to keep off the weight that she lost in spite of our corporate culture of all-you-can-eat sweets. When I am really struggling, Janice is my go to gal. She listens when I need to complain, and brings me cherry tomatoes when she knows I need a little pick-me-up. I love Janice, and not just because she lost the weight and is keeping it off, but because her heart is even more beautiful than her face. In short, I adore her! After you read her story, I bet you will too.

I understand you first began your journey to improve your health in 2012. What was your initial motivation to do so?

In the summer of July 2011, I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer and the cure was to have a hysterectomy. After 12 years of on and off fertility treatments, my husband and I made the decision to go ahead with the hysterectomy in August 2011. My husband said, “What good would a baby do for us, if you are not here to be our babies mom?” In order to live my life cancer free that is what I had to do. So from August 2011 to February 21, 2012, I ate my sadness, and my life was a mess. I was tired of how I looked and how I felt. I decided that I was lucky to survive cancer, and even though there is no guarantee that I will never have cancer again, I have promised myself that I will never have cancer because of my obesity.

What was your starting weight?

384. REALLY 384!

What did you find most challenging both mentally and physically at the beginning of your journey?

Getting my mindset straight that I am worth the time it takes to food prep, exercise, and generally take care of myself. Physically the exercise was VERY hard. I weighed 384 pounds and so when I first started walking it was only 10-20 minutes a day. Then I started water walking, aqua Zumba, and Zumba. But I will admit I was so self-conscious of how I looked. I still am! When you lose almost 200 pounds, you do not automatically look like the models on magazines or like movie stars. There is extra skin and flab. My brain still sees a 384 pound person in the mirror at times. That is something I am constantly working on for myself to OWN my weight loss, and be proud of myself!

I know you’ve had periods of re-gain(as we all have). Why do you keep trying?

I keep trying because I realize I am worth it. I love being healthy, having more energy, and feeling good about myself. Exercise is time consuming and, just like everyone, I get busy. It is challenging to squeeze in the time to take care of myself but I make the time because I want to be healthy.

What do you struggle with most food-wise/exercise-wise?

Food can be challenging. When you lose weight and realize you can eat a few things that are treats and get by without gaining weight, then you want to eat a bit more. Then I will see it on the scale and realize that’s not working for me. I say, “OH NO…stop it Janice!!!” I LOVE food, and I can get creative with cutting calories and cooking lighter and healthier, but it does take time!

The statistics are not good for people who lose vast quantities of weight. They usually gain it back plus some. Why do you feel you have not fallen into this category/statistic?

I was miserable when I was heavy. I did NOT like myself, I didn’t like my laziness or my giving up attitude. I promised myself as I was losing the weight that I would NOT ever do that to myself again because I never want to self-cause cancer in my body again! I have to put myself first; before my husband, my family, even my friends. If I don’t put myself first, I get lazy. I LOVE to take care of people, but if I don’t take care of myself I can’t do anything for anyone else.

How do you handle temptation to eat foods you know will trigger overeating episodes? What do you do after you’ve “failed” in this regard?

I try to stay away from foods that send me over the top. Like ice cream, cookies, chocolate, and breads. But every now and then I will allow myself to eat something like that but within reason so I don’t get carried away. It’s happened. I’ve caved in and went through the drive-thru at McDonald’s or Chick-Fil-A and then went on to eat ice cream, or cookies and candy. But when I fail and start to gain some weight, I remind myself how much I enjoy being able to walk into Kohls or Macy’s and find clothing in my size, or how I feel when I exercise. For example, when I was heavy just walking from the parking lot into work hurt my feet, knees, and ankles. Now I can walk up the steps or walk many miles without hurting. I have to remind myself often and stay accountable to myself by weighing daily. I know some folks say that is not wise because and our weight fluctuates but I need to see the numbers on the scale to help me stay in line!

What activities do you enjoy that contribute to the motivation to stay healthy as opposed to falling back into binging/couch-potato-ing?

I love to walk outside, hike, swim, and shop. I do not allow myself to sit and couch-potato until after I have prepped my food for the following day, gotten my clothes together for the gym the next morning, and work for the following day. I typically only allow myself to sit on the couch and do NOTHING for 60 minutes per day!

How do you feel about yourself in correlation to the perception the media and society in general project via the image of the “ideal woman”?

It has taken me some time to realize I will NEVER be a size 2 and I am okay with that! I feel great, have lots of energy, and LOVE motivating other people. That is truly what I live for. It is annoying to me that the media and society in general expect women to have PERFECT bodies! Really, what is a perfect body? I feel like I am average some days, and then others I feel like Wonder Woman because losing almost 200 pounds and keeping it off is something to be truly proud of. I AM really proud of myself.

Tell me about how you deal with the mental part of maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

Maintaining a healthy lifestyle is tough. It can be annoying to others that I need to constantly prepare for upcoming events. On Sunday evenings I get my husband’s and my breakfast, lunches, and some dinners prepped the best I can. Unfortunately, fresh food doesn’t last as long as processed food. I portion out our foods and get them ready for the week. This way we can easily grab what we need instead of being tired after a long day at work and make a hasty decision to run through a fast food restaurant. This lifestyle is NOT easy and I would NEVER tell anyone it is. It takes determination, but the way I feel when I have our meals organized and know what I will be eating throughout the day, is the only way I can make this healthy lifestyle work for me. I force myself to input what I eat into my log, no matter if I go over my allotted calories for the day or not. This is what keeps me motivated. I also use the log to learn about myself. It enables me to see why I get off course because of what was going on with me at the time.

So there you have it. Now you understand a little bit why Janice is my hero! Be encouraged and inspired. If Janice can do it, you can too!

I find beauty in a great many things. The ever-changing canvas of the sky, for example, mystifies me. One moment, a deep and abiding blue, the next, a tidal wave of clouds on the horizon, and the next moment the blue is gone—eclipsed by billowing shades of gray. One would think the sun had been swallowed up. But no, it peers out through crevices and creates shafts of light, as if to say, “the blue was not enough and so I called in the clouds in order to paint a prettier portrait.” And all of this experienced on a drive home from some errand I was not fond of.

The tasks involved in living a healthy lifestyle can feel like those errands. Salad for lunch. Again. Elliptical machine of Doom. Again. Walking around the block. Again. Celery instead of donuts. Again. It’s enough to make one chuck in the towel and land in the White Castle drive-thru. Because the sweet reward one grasps between greasy fingers satisfies an itch. The chocolate shake meets a need. The fries and perfectly-dolloped-ketchup bring to fruition a ritual that elicits a certain sense of soul-satisfying comfort. What you crave, indeed!

But I would propose that such rituals are hollow. The food-addicted person experiences the temporary pleasure in the immediacy of that moment, but each indulgence becomes a weight that brings the body low. And not only the body…. For each stomach-expanding experience pierces the soul. The food-addicted person lives to eat but often dies with each bite.

And so we hold fast with one fist to the foods that are killing us while grasping for an inoculation to the waist-expanding epidemic for which we feel there is no cure. We drown and we die. And hope is extinguished with each savory bite. Unless…

…we let go of what is killing us and cling fast to what is good.

I had been “good” for many months when I encountered the cake at work. Beautifully frosted and mostly uneaten, it felt wasteful to leave it there. Alone. Dejected. Forlorn. At least that is how I perceived it. My thoughts had turned traitorous.

“You can eat just one piece. You have worked so hard. Indulge. Go ahead. You deserve it.”

And so I settled in with a piece. But when that piece was gone, and no one was looking, I went back for another. And then another. And then my thoughts, on fire with sugar-laden euphoria, grabbed a box and began stuffing it full of left-over cake to take home. Four hours later, and sick as a sugar-overdosed human being can be, I found myself searching the aisles of Walgreen’s (in despair) for a bottle of ipecac to purge the poison from my body. (Thank God I did not find it). I just felt so helpless.

So how does one let go of that self-destructive behavior yet find a semblance of peace?

We must disseminate the lies from truth, and then forcibly live the truth.

This is not easy. The psychological issues surrounding addiction are buried deep within that squiggly gray mass that resides atop our obstinate bodies. Probing that sponge is like wading into the ocean of our issues. We stick a toe in and immediately withdraw. The water is ice cold! But I would posit that unless we persist, we perish. Unless we confront the why behind our addiction and start slicing off the heads of that beast as it rears and snaps, we will forever be under its power. We may find success for a moment—we may even reach our “goal”—but we will invariably collapse beneath the weight of the chains that bind us. And so…

If we are to rid ourselves of the addiction that is killing us, we must replace it with something else. The heart was not created to be a void. For many, this is the rub to reducing girth. I remember when vegetables and fruit were abhorrent. Lean meats provoked a gag reflex. But I knew the only way to live a healthy lifestyle was to stop consuming foods and pursuing habits that harmed my body—no matter what.

Developing healthy habits was very challenging, but I approached it with the attitude that the change would be permanent. Then I went on an adventure to re-learn how to eat. This is not unlike learning to ride a bike(I’m slow so it took me a REALLY long time to learn). Now, I don’t drink soda, and guess what? I don’t miss it. I do not consume fried foods and I do not miss them. French fries no longer have dominion over me, but there was a time not too long ago that a meal was not a meal unless it contained fries and soda. I spent decades in that dungeon. And I’ll be candid, I would rather cut off my own tongue than go back to that God-forsaken place.

Portia De Rossi describes her struggle with anorexia in the book, “Unbearable Lightness”. Her desire to fit a specific standard of beauty drove her to madness and nearly killed her. Karen Carpenter was not so lucky, and we lost a beautiful voice. Why do we fall in love with the lies? Why do we twist ourselves into pretzels to conform to the ever-shifting perceptions of beauty in our culture?

The lies have power because we are hungry for beauty, and so how we assimilate beauty into our lives is important.

Dean Koontz wrote book called, “A Big Little Life: A Memoir of a Joyful Dog Named Trixie”. In it, he describes life before, during, and after his friend. Everything that Trixie was, was beautiful. Her presence forever changed the Koontz’s lives.

“In each little life, we can see great truth and beauty, and in each little life we glimpse the way of all things in the universe. If we allow ourselves to be enchanted by the beauty of the ordinary, we begin to see that all things are extraordinary.” – Dean Koontz – A Big Little Life

Trixie brought such meaning and joy to the Koontz’s that the loss of her was unbearable. You see, once one has experienced real beauty, a false substitute will not do.

Addiction is ugly. Addiction is a cycle of lies. So in order to find our way out of the ugliness we must wage war with lies by way of beautiful truth.

Truth is beautiful because it sets us free.

Ask the pardoned convict who was wrongfully incarcerated. Or the addict who comes to understand his triggers. I like the way John Owen describes it in “The Nature of Indwelling Sin”, “For a man to find his sickness, and danger thereon from its effects, is another thing than to hear a discourse about a disease from its causes.” It’s one thing to sit in a classroom and learn about cancer, it’s a completely different experience to be diagnosed with it.

Beauty is the help we all secretly long for.

If you are a frequent reader of this blog, you might notice that many of the pictures I share are of nature. I am deeply inspired by the beauty in the world around me. We use our eyes to behold and absorb beauty. The intricacies of a cocoon, woven by a caterpillar that emerges as a butterfly is enough to fill the senses with wonder. But these types of beauty are not usually found by the casual eye. We must pay attention to our surroundings. We must seek them out. ANd when we do find them, they are marvelous. We simply have to train our eyes to find them.

The lie says, “Diets are miserable. I will have to eat food I don’t love.”

The truth says, “I don’t know how to make or even purchase tasty, healthful food.”

The lie says, “Salad is boring, vegetables are gross, and lean meats disgust me.”

The truth says, “I can try new salads, vegetables and meats until I find what I like.”

The lie says, “The perfectly-shaped body will make me happy.”

The truth says, “There is no such thing as a perfect body”.

Beauty is never boring.

The truth is beautiful because it is tangible. The truth is our only hope of ever breaking free from addictive behaviors. Once we are brave enough to expose the lies we believe—the lies we tell ourselves and others—and embrace the beautiful truth, the sooner we can begin to experience lasting change.

“Little Darling, it’s been a long cold lonely winter.” – The Beatles

I was in grade school when my class went on a field trip to The Magic House in Kirkwood, Missouri. Back then it was merely a large house that had been converted into a scientific romper room of sorts. One could learn by looking at squiggly kaleidoscopes on the wall whether or not one was color blind. There was also a large globe that, when touched, facilitated a current of static electricity to course through ones fingers and out through ones hair(which would stand on end). There was even a maze one had to wander through at the beginning of the journey in order to gain entrance. Basically, it was every child’s dream field trip and I remember enjoying it immensely.

My 8 year old son recently had the opportunity to visit The Magic House with his second grade class. He was very excited. When he arrived home after a full day my husband asked him, “Did you go in the Touch tunnel?” And suddenly I remembered that all of my memories about The Magic House were not happy.

When I was little, the Touch Tunnel was a maze that was completely devoid of light. One was given the opportunity to wander through it (sans shoes) using only ones sense of touch. In hindsight, I wish someone had warned the little girl who was terrified of the dark exactly how dark it would be. But when one is not aware of the danger, one generally enters casually the path they realize later they never, ever should have taken. The Touch Tunnel was one such path. They may as well have called it, “The Tunnel of Terror.”

It didn’t take me long to realize how dark pitch blackness actually is. It felt like the darkness had weight and was pressing in on all sides. Darkness is disorienting. It is cold. It is uncaring. It swallows, buries, and confounds the senses until all sense of light is utterly eliminated—even the hope of light. It was not until a friend heard my cries, grabbed my arm and walked me out of the darkness that I began to feel better.

I have recently been learning how to walk in the darkness of depression without caving in to despair. It is a very lonely experience in that no human being has the power to lift the darkness. The only way out is to walk through it. It is another milestone in my journey to learn discipline in all areas of my life. This milestone is ugly, heavy, and has very sharp edges.

When one is in the midst of a depressed episode, all sense of right thinking evaporates like water on hot pavement. All good and happy thoughts are swallowed in that darkness and the tendency toward unhappy thoughts is almost effortless. Therefore, learning to banish the unhappy thoughts and focus on true and good things requires great concentration and focus—both of which are challenging when the brain is not functioning properly. The depressed brain is nothing if not a malfunctioning organ. And when the brain is short circuiting, the rest of the body doesn’t work right either.

…which is probably why I also found myself in the dermatologist’s office with a badly inflamed case of eczema. I had run out of my soothing steroid cream and was seeking a new prescription. Eczema is like poison ivy that never goes away. If you have never experienced a similar skin consider, consider yourself blessed, but I digress!

When I walked into that office I was overwhelmed with the sense of hopelessness in the faces around me. Skin afflictions abounded. The mostly elderly people sitting in the chairs wore faces marred and downcast. One gentleman in particular looked especially miserable and so I decided to strike up a conversation with him in the hopes that lifting his spirits might lift mine as well. I have learned over the years that my suffering is lessened when I give the gift of joy and hope to others.

It didn’t take him long to share with me that he suffers with a mood disorder. He then shared that he is a retired psychiatrist. He said, “Margaret, did you know that research has been conducted that proves medications geared toward helping those affected with mood disorders help only 30% of the people who take them?”

I was shocked by his statement and told him so. I responded, “So does this mean that I can stop feeling guilty for not taking medication as many of my friends have indicated I should do?”

He nodded. “30% is basically equivalent to a placebo effect.”

So I then described to him my approach to depression, “I like to celebrate the good days.” And then I asked him, “Do you ever have good days?”

He said, “You know what? I do. In fact, today is a good day.” And then he smiled.

His smile made me smile, and somehow the heaviness in that room didn’t feel so awfully heavy anymore.

I have been working very hard to banish the unhappy thoughts that clobber me. They come out of nowhere and I must deal with them. If I do not kill the first one, it’s like bacteria that multiplies, spreads, and infects my whole body. The most potent antiseptic to these thoughts are to focus on words that I know to be right and true. For this reason I listen to my audio Bible when I exercise in the morning, even when my brain is afflicted and I find it difficult to process what I am hearing. I listen to the words of the One who loves me and whose love I know to be a conquering power over the deepest and darkest depression. And this is how I fight:

“Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”  The Letter of Paul to the Ephesians 6:13-17

Learning to trust God in periods of depression is a discipline. It is the discipline of saying, “I believe You are who You say you are, and that your promises hold true even when I don’t feel your presence. My recent periods of darkness have left me feeling lonely, sad, and at times abandoned. It is in those moments that I begin to feel the tide of terror swelling—just as I felt in the Touch Tunnel. But even in those moments I have found that Jesus is faithful.

Yesterday I rose with the bleary-eyed shame of a cookie hangover. I didn’t have the strength to get out of bed, much less put on my workout clothes and go outside. So I did it anyway. If I waited until I felt like working out it would rarely get done. So I jogged and I walked, and I climbed hills and I cried because I didn’t feel well and because I was ashamed that I didn’t control my eating the night before. I was ashamed that I couldn’t stop binging on foods that seem to make my depression worse. And I felt the guilt fester and ooze and overwhelm me with hopelessness.

But on the dirt path I walked in the park, there in the pre-morning light, I heard a wonderful truth. It was a verse I had memorized many years before and it shone like a heavenly light deep into the darkness of my afflicted brain. The Great Healer said to me, “For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people.” (Titus 2:11) And I felt his kindness overwhelm me and salve my heart with peace. I felt Jesus shame and guilt as he bore my sin on the cross, and I was impressed again with the great truth that He knew I didn’t have the capacity to do what is right and so he did it for me. The gospel message is simply this, we are sinners—broken and helpless—and he loved us so much that he paid the price to set us free.

I don’t really understand what happened in that moment yesterday, but as I was driving to work, I realized my depression was gone. It was as if a light switch had been flipped and I simply felt really, really good.

Last night I danced in my yard with my favorite boxer dog, Tank. Today I am celebrating another good day with lots of smiles, jokes and laughter.

And I am fully cognizant that depression will find me again. And so I choose to celebrate this good day and any others that choose to follow.

Years ago my friend Kitty took my hand in the Touch Tunnel and led me into the light. She didn’t eliminate the darkness, she only walked with me through it. But the touch of her hand reassured me. In sensing her presence I knew I was not alone. Today if you are walking in darkness, take heart. You are not abandoned. Sometimes we must feel around in the darkness and find the hands of those people who are just as terrified as we are. We must wrap our fingers in theirs and find our way along the dark path. But we must never, ever stop trusting and hoping that we will find our way through. And most importantly, we must remember to keep the promises of Jesus close to our hearts and wait. He is faithful who promised.