Destination Discipline

On August 1, 2007, the I-35W Saint Anthony Falls Bridge collapsed during evening rush hour traffic. 13 people were killed and 145 were injured—some seriously. 20 year old Jeremy Hernandez was on a school bus with 65 children who were returning from a waterpark field trip. After the collapse, he kicked out the back window of the bus and made sure the children made it out safely. This wasn’t some run-of-the-mill rescue. The bus was hanging precariously and if it had tipped the wrong way, the causalities would have been unspeakable. Thanks to his fast thinking, they were rescued. When asked what the bridge collapse was like, he simply said, “Terrifying.”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swgBaZEAs_U

Many things have been written about this accident since it occurred. It was a horror to the families of those who perished, and to those who survived with crippling injuries. For those of us who did not personally experience the tragedy, it may not be much more than a headline we read with sadness. But for the parents of each child who was rescued, the face of Jeremy Hernandez is the face of joy. Because joy is what we feel when someone saves us.

I recently walked into Sam’s Club with a short list of food items I needed for the week. I don’t particularly enjoy Sam’s because I am tempted by their many delectable desserts. I make a point to grab only the things I need and then dash out of the door before I cave to temptation. But on this particular occasion I heard a song that I love and so I slowed down in order to listen to it. The song was “Somebody to Love” by Queen.

“Ooh, each morning I get up I die a little. Can’t barely stand on my feet. Take a look in the mirror and cry. Lord, what you’re doing to me. I have spent all my years in believing you but I just can’t get no relief, Lord! Somebody, can anybody find me somebody to love?”

Queen

Freddy Mercury was an amazing vocalist and his songwriting is incredible. On this particular day I was undone when I heard him. It felt like he had written that song just for me.

I have never shared this publicly but maybe it is time. So please don’t view this as a pity grab or attention seeking behavior. I simply want others to know they are not alone.

My youngest son (10) has several really challenging diagnoses. In addition to juvenile diabetes, he is also bi-polar disorder, has oppositional defiant disorder and a broad characterization of OHI(Other Health Impaired). He was diagnosed with juvenile diabetes when he was 3 years old and we have lived with the additional labels for about 5 years. His mood swings and impulse control issues are nerve-shattering. On top of that, my spouse and I struggle to agree on parenting methods. We have lost control of our tempers in several heated exchanges lately and the cycle of anger, regret and guilt is a club we too frequently bludgeon each other with. Alas, these fresh bruises remind me just how frail I really am.

That is why Freddy Mercury made me cry in Sam’s Club. And candidly, it was just about the worst place for a food addict to fall prey to her emotions. The past few months have been difficult food wise as I have chronicled in my posts about my temptation with brownies. Stress makes the cravings worse and the truth is, I have been slowly gaining weight (about 11 pounds).

I have also burned out on exercise. I’m just sick and tired of the same old routine. When I run, it feels like I am stabbing myself in the eyes with sharp sticks. When I do strength training (core workout and weights) I want to throw my dumbbells through a wall. I took a few days off to rest and collect myself but it did no good. As much as I want to, I can’t run away from my body or trade it in for a new one.

Now is the point in the blog where you would like to ask me, “Margaret, would you like some cheese with your whine?”

Why yes. Yes I would. 2 pounds please! And yes, they do sell my favorite in bulk at Sam’s Club—the less-than-ideal place for an emotional breakdown! But as I stood there crying in front of strangers, I recalled to mind the Bible verse I was memorizing just moments before I walked into the store.

I John 3:1 says, “See what kind of love the Father has given to us that we should be called children of God; and so we are.” I suppose I could take this kind of information for granted except that this love has sustained me more times than I can count. I am His child. He loves me! This love has held me when the ground gave way beneath my feet (Psalm 46:2). It has captured my tears and placed them in a bottle (Psalm 56:8). It has walked with me through the deep waters (Isaiah 43:2) and restored my soul (Psalm 23:2). I was standing in Sam’s Club when I remembered that there is nothing that will truly satisfy my soul other than the love of Christ, my God.

There are many people who question God’s love in the midst of terrible circumstances, not the least of which include the deaths of 13 people during the bridge collapse in Minneapolis, Minnesota. But I believe God demonstrates his love for us in this: Christ died for sinners like me (Romans 5:8) He saves us, not only by the blood of his son, but also by sending brave people like Jeremy Hernandez to break out a window and tacitly save the lives of several dozen children.

I was standing in Sam’s Club when God saw my emotional pain and rescued me. It felt no less magnificent than what Jeremy Hernandez did. Why? The Freddy Mercury song made me feel hopeless but God reminded me through his word that I do have hope. This is why it is so important for Christians to read their Bibles every day! That is how God speaks to us. And if I haven’t written this enough times, I’ll say it again: we cannot trust our feelings at any given moment. We must trust God’s words.

I have often felt like solace was not sustainable but God’s solace is. He enabled me to walk through Sam’s club, pick up the few items I needed, and exit the store without buying any of the desserts that tried so hard to tempt me.

Today, whatever you are facing, please know that there is a God who sees your pain and wants to give you peace in the midst of it. He sees our broken hearts and cares deeply about our sorrows. He will enable us to stop eating brownies, praise Him even when tears run down our cheeks, and stop shouting at our diagnosis-riddled children. He will give us the strength to keep walking or jogging even when it feels awful. He will be our companion when our spouse leaves or our parent dies or we succumb to drug addiction. In short, he is our “somebody to love.”

My last two posts have been pretty candid about my recent struggles with eating. I feel weak and foolish–almost like I am starting over. Maybe the dear reader has felt this way sometimes too. If so, let’s pretend this blog is one big group hug!

This past Monday I tortured myself with the elliptical machine of doom and then took my son to Altitude Trampoline Park in O’Fallon, Missouri. No, I did not jump on the trampolines. I learned my lesson a few years ago when I attempted to do gymnastics and tore all kinds of things in my right hip while some self-righteous twenty-somethings smirked and giggled at me. I don’t plan to ever do that again. (Brats!) But I digress.

I signed my son up for a 90 minute session and then took my books and sat down at a park bench. My son was bouncing and laughing and generally having the time of his life when I decided to stand up to use the restroom. Unfortunately, something went very wrong in my spinal chord and I found that I could not stand up straight without excruciating pain. Worse, I could not walk either. I stood there feeling foolish while people pretended to ignore me because they didn’t want to get involved. Finally, I laid down on the bench until my son got his full 90 minutes worth of play and then a nice gentleman who worked at the park helped me to my car. I was horribly embarrassed and terrified I would never walk again. Pain is very humbling.

I went to the chiropractor and urgent care (just in case!) and went home with strict instructions to do ice packs and Epsom salt compresses 3-6 times per day. (These are very effective by the way!) I also had strict instructions to cool it on the exercise for a week or so. Even though I was experiencing incredible pain, I started to cry. The only thing keeping me from tremendous weight gain recently has been my exercise regimen.

I managed to get my hands on some comfort food candy while I was unable to move and added a few more pounds to my burgeoning belly. Go Margaret! (I just want to keep it real) But after that I put the kibosh on treats other than fruit and a few pieces of sugar free candy.

In the middle of my emotional breakdown and panic, I told a good friend that I was really struggling with a brownie craving. This dear woman managed to get her mother’s famous Black Bean Brownie recipe and texted it to me so I could have something chocolatey and not so toxic to my system. Today, I finally felt strong enough to stand at the sink to make it. I thought I’d shared it on my blog because they actually came out pretty good.

I decided to improvise the recipe and substituted sugar free chocolate from Trader Joe’s for the chocolate chips because I truly wanted the brownies to be sugar free. My husband told me they aren’t truly sugar free because of the honey and maple syrup. I was too chicken to try the second recipe she sent that used stevia, erythritol and prunes as sweetener. I have never used avocado oil before and found it at Aldi. I love it!

While I thought the brownies came out great, the real test was on my 10 year old son. I told him straight out, “You probably won’t like these.” That is my reverse psychology trick that I use more frequently than I probably should. But he liked them so much he at two and begged for more. The best news is, they are lower in carbs than regular brownies, which is a real help since he is a juvenile diabetic. Also, I loved that when I ate these brownies I was truly satisfied. Of course they have a different texture than regular brownies but they really satisfied my brownie craving. I will add these to my recipes page because I plan to make them again. Also, I want to shout out to Shelly Willman–my dear friend who gave me the original recipe.

When a man is getting better he understands more and more clearly the evil that is still left in him.

C. S. Lewis

When a man turns to Christ and seems to be getting on pretty well (in the sense that some of his bad habits are now corrected) he often feels that it would now be natural if things went fairly smoothly. When troubles come along-illnesses, money troubles, new kinds of temptation-he is disappointed. These things, he feels, might have been necessary to rouse him and make him repent in his bad old days; but why now? Because God is forcing him on, or up, to a higher level: putting him into situations where he will have to be very much braver, or more patient, or more loving, than he ever dreamed of being before. It seems to us all unnecessary: but that is because we have not yet had the slightest notion of the tremendous thing He means to make of us.

C. S. Lewis

So here we are a week after my last post and the temptation to eat brownies is stronger than ever. Maybe it was the stress of my morning (public speaking!) or maybe it’s the beautiful, white, fluffy snow that’s coming down like something from a Christmas Hallmark movie, but I am seriously undone. I want to eat with abandon. I want to bake and imbibe and drown in the succinct pleasure of sugar laden cakes.

I could analyze it until I’m blue in the face but that won’t help the situation. The temptation is clear and I must resist. I guess this is where I candidly admit; once a glutton, always a glutton. And since I have learned that if I’m not actively fighting against it–all is lost–I must press forward in faith.

I remember a moment early on in my journey when the temptation was chocolate chip cookie dough and I succumbed. I was halfway through eating the bowl of dough when I realized-with horror-what I was doing. I immediately threw it in the trash. Self sabotage is real and potent. No matter how sweet the dessert is, it is bitter when I consider regain and slavery. I am no longer enslaved to food-I refuse to be! But the devil whispers in my ear and I feel the lust return. If it were not for God’s incredible grace, I would be right back where I started; without hope.

It is when the temptation is greatest that I must fight the hardest. Today I turned to music. I needed something to comfort my soul. I had tried reading, watching the birds whirl around my feeders, and drinking hot tea. I asked a friend to pray for me to not make and eat brownies (accountability partners are so important!) and then I turned on some music. The very first song that played stopped me in my tracks. A lump rose in my throat. Then I started to cry. The relief was palpable.

And every sad seduction, and every clever lie,
Every word that woos and wounds the pilgrim, children of the sky
The king of love will break them by and by.

Ben Shive

This Ben Shive tune as covered by Andrew Peterson was a salve to my heart in such a weak and tender moment. It reminded me of the great truth that Christ is coming! He will rise up in the end.

Whatever you are struggling with today… be it food, alcohol, heroin or pornography; there is hope. Keep fighting. Press forward into the love of a Savior who was crushed on the cross to provide freedom for us. When the night is darkest, we all long to be saved. He stands at the ready. Look to Jesus. He is our lighthouse in the storm!

Today is a gift. I am reminded once more of my humanity and helplessness. I am also reminded I am never alone. Help is a gasping prayer away. So take heart. The cry, “God help me!” never falls on deaf ears.