Why is Your Love so Conditional?

“As soon as we are fully conscious we discover loneliness.” – C.S. Lewis “The Four Loves”

When the phone rang, I was thrilled to hear from my friend. I had reached out to him several times since the onset of the virus last Spring and his voice warmed my heart. But his tone caused my heart to quake. He had called to take issue with some words I had written to my church family. He said, “I want to understand your point of view,” but his tone implied otherwise. What followed was an hour of concerted torture. It was both question and lecture session by he and his wife. I apologized for several misunderstandings they had about me due to him not knowing me as well as I thought he did. We also agreed to disagree on several topics. But the daggers were in my heart. Someone I admired and cherished had thrust unkind words at me and the wounds were deep.

I later asked a church elder, “What happens when you don’t agree ideologically with someone? “And how do we remain friends with someone for whom we have lost respect?”

He said, “You don’t.”

The message the church people sent was clear: I don’t know you well and I don’t care to know you well. I would rather misunderstand and lecture you. And either you do what I think is right or you are sinning.

I confided the situation to a friend and she said, “You need to acquiesce to the “weaker brother”. But I had trouble wrapping my mind around the “weaker brother” being a seminary graduate with decades of experience in the pulpit. Therefore, the problem must be me.

And so… I quit going to church. I quit online church. And while I had been regularly praying for my church family, I stopped that too. Sure, I would squeak out a few lines here and there, but for the most part I withdrew. I turned to online ministries and trusted relationships with other believers. I joined a ladies prayer group. I spent time mentoring with other women of the faith. And I waited. I waited for people at my church to reach out to me in concern. And sadly, they didn’t. And I began to see my church as a hollow shell for superficial people posing as Christians but not willing to do real relational work.

Love is intricately complex. We long to be loved but reject loving others by the same standard we hold them to. Christians are particularly guilty because we have a whole guidebook on how to love people well and still screw it up.

After a while, my pastor reached out and we had a productive conversation. I explained to him the problem of the lack of real relationships in the church. He told me I just needed to join a house group. Thus began the earnest campaign to get me to join a house group. Just what I needed. Another condition from the “church club”.

Meanwhile, the days have turned into months as I try to process my role in this situation. In the Spring, I fought hard to establish relationships. I wrote letters to people I didn’t know well. I made phone calls. The net result was one new friend. And she confided in me that I was the first person in decades to try to form a real relationship with her. Somehow, I don’t think this is the vision the Apostle Paul had for the church.

The world is littered with people who have been hurt by the church. We give up. We fade out. Is it because the church is a sham? Is it because church people are judgmental? I mean, why else do professing Christians treat each other so abominably?

Could it be because they too are sinners?

We have this idea that we get “saved” and stop sinning. After all, that’s why the world accuses us regularly of hypocrisy. But we forget what the bible says about sin.

“If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.” 1 John 1:8

“If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.” 1 John 1:10

Let me be clear, the book of 1 John makes me uncomfortable.

I like to sit down to read my bible and consider how “holy” I am and what a good little Christian girl I am. But that book won’t let me off the hook so easily. Chapter 2 begins, “My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin.” But I already know from the Apostle Paul that I cannot stop sinning.

Romans 7:15-19 says, “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand.” 

This makes it very difficult for me to sit back and point fingers at “church people” while resting on my “laurels of holiness.” Because the truth is, I’m just as much of a sinner as they are. And my love is just as conditional as theirs. Real love forgives. So, I have to ask myself, “Do I love (forgive) them or not?”

And finally I have come to the crux of what I want to say. The church people hurt my feelings but that in itself was not particularly sinful.

They wanted me to follow rules that I did not agree with. From my perspective, those rules have no basis in scripture, but are rather rooted in the cultural narratives at work in society today. And since we have failed to cultivate the muscle of respectful debate that is rooted and grounded in love, people (like me!) are leaving the church. They are hiding in their homes with hurt feelings. Because our “love” is conditional too. We don’t want to be friends with people who differ along ideological lines.

I want to be in the club where everyone agrees. I want everyone to agree on mask usage and social justice issues. I want people to stop saying hateful things to each other because they are more concerned about control than love. Whether we like it or not, truth has become relative. We have a million talking heads telling us what to think, do or say, and every one has a different life experience and perspective from which to arrive at their conclusion. Far too few are willing to sort out the issue and have a rational conversation that ends kindly and respectfully. Instead, we pop up with our thought or opinion, spout off at someone who thinks differently, and then crawl back in our hole. We are also proud and unwilling to acknowledge we could be wrong. This is a two way street. As Christians, we should form our relationships around the gospel message and then actually live it out.

I feel vulnerable writing all of this. I have been weeping this morning. I miss my church family. I miss the people I thought they were as much as they probably miss who they thought I was. Fear and doubt have come seeping in like a toxic poison. Because that’s what happens when illusions are shattered and things are said that can’t be unsaid. And the truth is, I’m a coward. I’m afraid to face them. And the enemy told me they don’t want me anymore and I’m inclined to believe him.

Maybe it’s time to build a bridge of love that is unconditional. You know, the kind Jesus came to earth to build between us and the Father. He sees all of our sin and loves us unconditionally.

“For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person–though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die–but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:5-7

This kind of irrational love should motivate us to set hurt feelings aside and press forward in love. And while much can be said about “maintaining healthy boundaries” and “loving the weaker brother” etc., the truth is, real love sacrifices self. Re-read 1 Corinthians 13 if you’re confused. And then ask the Holy Spirit to give you the courage to step forward in faith. I know I am.

And yes, it is messy. And uncomfortable. And terribly awkward.

But we have to do it anyway.

Happy Birthday to Me!

It’s funny how adulthood sneaks up on you. Birthdays as a child are so exciting and magical. One never knows what exciting thing will happen. We wait with impatience for the clown to jump out of the cake or for the trip to the circus or for the plush animal we wanted “all our life”. But adulthood is waking up on your birthday with a pinched nerve in your back and numbness in your legs. Adulthood is arguing with a panic attack (also at 4am) to go away and “don’t come back another day!” Adulthood is grumbling out of bed and scolding the dogs so they don’t wake up the other people in the house and not even realizing it is a noteworthy day. Wait, what? It’s my birthday?

Grandma Margaret

I fully realize I have officially been an adult for a few years now, but this year it feels real. Like, even my breath smells old. I have a streak of silver in my hair. I regret my digestive tract. A co-worker asked me if I have a black eye on Zoom. No, that’s just the circles that tell me I’m not 25 anymore. And it’s true; I am a grandmother. But that’s no excuse!

Annabelle–my boxer–who thinks it’s her birthday every day wants to play with the “evil monkey” I got at the thrift store but I have to work. There are too many competing priorities to play “throw the soggy monkey”! And right about the time time I finish one project, I realize I have 17 more. And while I want to throw a pity party, I simply don’t have capacity at the moment!

But on a quick bathroom break I realize something awful. I have forgotten how to have fun. This realization frightens me. I don’t eat cake. I don’t eat ice cream. This sugar-free lifestyle suddenly feels very restrictive and weird. But then I realize something more powerful: I don’t have to buy into the cultural narrative of what birthday fun is. Fun is what I want it to be. After all, it’s my birthday! Not anyone elses!

So after I finished my workday, I put on a nice pair of jeans and a leather jacket and took my dog, Tank, for a walk. We looked at the blue sky and fluffy white clouds. We waved at cars. We took deep, cleansing breaths. It was wonderful. Then, I had my son take my picture for posterity. This is what my birthday in 2020 looks like. I am happy—pinched nerve and all! And I am really happy I have a good chiropractor (who I visited at lunch) to adjust my vertebrae so I could go on that short walk. Dr. Amy is amazing!

And now, for my last bit of fun. I want to do something bold! Something CRAZY! I took some pictures a month ago to mark my 10 years of living a healthy lifestyle. I have managed to lose a few pounds during the pandemic and am officially 150 pounds lighter than I was in May of 2010. That figure astounds me. And while I do not have a perfect body and I don’t know how to “airbrush” or “photoshop”, I took a few pictures so I could remember what it feels like to be “not quite a super model but supremely satisfied with my physique”. And I am going to post one of those pictures here. Don’t zoom in or you’ll see the stretch marks! But seriously, Praise God from whom all blessings flow. He has helped me to be victorious over my battle with food addiction and I am so, so happy for his friendship.

I can’t believe that’s me!

And now, I think I shall retire to a nice, soothing Epsom salt bath that involves listening to classical music. After all, that sounds better than 10 chocolate cupcakes! Happy birthday to me!

PS: Mom, I love my birthday gift. Bunny salt and pepper shakers are not lame at all!

Are you really going to eat that?

Somewhere along the way, we’ve gotten lost. We un-learned how to nourish our bodies. We reached for the convenient and consumed food that made us ill. Maybe not immediately; but eventually. We have developed food allergies, diabetes, chemical dependencies, and bulging waistbands. We feel bad and we want to feel better. But we also want the foods we have come to crave.

Companies are eager to sell us remedies. These products promise to help us “detox”, “lose weight”, and “rejuvenate”. For a “small fee” we are promised a heaping helping of health. Some food companies have even developed “health foods” but the taste isn’t exactly what we want or we still overindulge. We are caught in an endless cycle of trying and failing and feeling guilty until (at last) most of us just give up.

When my acquaintances sat down next to me at the airport with boxes of fried chicken, my mouth began to water. I watched as they opened the boxes and I thought, “Are you really going to eat that?” Lest the dear reader think I am a jerk, I thought this while also wishing I could “eat that.” I saw the French fries, the chicken strips and the sodas and sighed to myself. There was a time when I would have been powerless to resist such fare. But those days are over. I have reclaimed the power over my choices. And you can too.

Temptation is not a dirty word. It is not in itself evil. But it should not be dealt with lightly or made light of. Part of our problem is the way in which our culture approaches temptation; namely, that we are powerless over it or that it’s “fun” to give into it. The reality is, we give up our power when we give in to temptation.

Think of it this way, temptation is the choice we make between good and evil. Deep down in our hearts, unless we have become hardened by the deceitfulness of sin, we know what is right and what is wrong. It is right to honor God with our bodies by consuming food that nourishes rather than poisons us. It is right to eat until we are full and no further. It is evil to overindulge to our detriment. It is evil to ignore the beauty of how God created our bodies to function. The sooner we recognize these truths, the more we will begin to resist temptation.

But you say, Margaret, don’t you understand how hard it is?

Ah, but I do.

But, Margaret, you say, this is a complicated issue. I mean, I have all of these emotional issues that drive me to self-medicate with food. You are mean to say I’m evil when I don’t resist temptation.

Well, I would like to respond by saying that is a very good place to start. When we recognize our sin with food, we are then able to cry out to God for help to heal us of our sin. God not only wants to heal us of past sin, but the sin we are prone to commit. When we yield/surrender to Him, he will give us the strength to resist temptation by His Holy Spirit. If you do not believe this, repent. After all, this is what God’s word says and I believe every word in the bible is true.

I read an article recently in the Wall Street Journal titled, “I Beat Addiction Without God.” The title provoked me but also piqued my curiosity. How did she do it? The author, Mary Beth O’Connor, said she made better choices, formed healthy habits and sought the help of a therapist. At the end of the article she writes, “Being forced to find my own path ultimately made me stronger. My pain never has been eradicated, but I can bear what remains. Despite jitters, I’m always looking to the next goal.” I commend her on sobriety. It takes grit to make good choices and fight temptation. But I am also sad to see she has “pain that has never been eradicated.” Jesus came to save us from our sin—and yes, to finally eradicate all of our pain. While we may not experience a painless existence in our lifetime, His promise is to return for us and wipe every tear from our eyes. Heaven is the place we will taste, touch and feel a sinless existence to the glory of God. His promises are not like human promises—here today, gone tomorrow. Therefore, if we believe and trust Jesus, we know we will one day have perfect bodies that weep no more.

Ms. O’Connor is still forming goals as coping mechanisms. She does not have ultimate peace. And, I found it interesting that two professors (Em. Prof. William R. Miller and Em. Prof. Harold D. Delaney wrote in a response that acknowledged, yes, people are able to recover without faith in God, but, “even if people believe that God wasn’t present in their healing, it isn’t necessarily so.”

The Apostle Paul once spoke in front of the Areopagus and said, “The God who made the world and everything in it, being Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples built by man, nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything.” (Acts 17:24-25)

So, you ask, what does all this have to do with eating food that is unhealthy?

I’m glad you asked that question!

God created each one of us for a purpose. Our main purpose is to glorify Him in all things. How do we do that? We enjoy the good food he has given us to eat and reject that which harms our bodies. And that is why I did not consume any of the food I saw (and smelled!) in the Charlotte, NC airport. I thoroughly enjoyed eating my blueberries and pistachios in front of my chicken toting friends without a hint of judgement or self-righteousness. I simply knew that the temptation to eat things that would harm my body was real and I prayed that God would give me the strength to resist. I did this because I have learned through habit that fried and hyper processed foods make me ill. This is not a complicated choice—though it can be filled with emotion. I thank God for the strength and fortitude to lose the excess weight and continue to make healthy choices. It is only by His grace that I continue to succeed.

Next time… Examining labels: What is in the Food I eat?