Destination Discipline

“I don’t have time.”
“I can’t give up soda.”
“I just don’t feel like working out.”

I used to think healthy people were stupid. Well, I didn’t really think they were stupid, I just hated them. I mean, what kind of lunatic would work out where there is a perfectly comfortable couch and Felicity to watch? Those super crazy healthy people were all bouncy and peppy and smiley. Like, why would I ever want to be like that? I liked my depressed state. I was all moody and mysterious and dark and twisty (like Meredith from Grey’s Anatomy).

So why did I feel all dead inside? Why was I embarassed to go out in public? Why did I feel like a constant failure? I won’t go into all the details about how poorly I felt about myself. I liked to rationalize my choices. I lived the way I wanted to live, until I didn’t want to live that way anymore.

So this is what I need to start telling people who say, “I don’t have any motivation.” I need to say, “It’s your life. Live the way you want to live. If you like being fat, stay fat. Eat unlimited Doritoes and Orea Cookies. I know they’re yummy. Enjoy!”

But for those of you who do want to get in shape and change your life, just do it! Here’s how I roll.

I am really struggling with the cold weather. I can’t seem to put on enough layers to warm me for walks outside. I want to run but since the orthopedic doctor told me I have damaged cartilage in my left hip, I can’t. It makes me sad and cranky, but I just can’t. So, I pouted for a minute and then moved on. Some days I just can’t wrap my mind around pretending to be a hamster. I mean, my elliptical machine is da bomb but no amount of JOY fm can get me through it. Today I woke up and saw pink clouds from my kitchen window. Pinks clouds mean the sun is shining! I was so excited I started to get like those stupid healthy, peppy people.

I put on layer after layer after layer of clothes and two pairs of socks. I plugged into my tunes and took off out of the front door. And it was COLD! And I had the same thought I have every morning I step outside in the winter. “I’m going back in!”

But I didn’t. I kept walking because I know that about half way through my walk I’m going to warm up and get a burst of energy. When my heart rate speeds up, I get a happy feeling that starts in my toes and radiates out through my fingers. I love that feeling. So you ask, what’s my motivation? I feel GREAT when I work out. I’m not always in a good mood, don’t mistake me, but my endorphins activate my brain and it is wonderful.

I started working out because I wanted to lose a chunk of weight. I hated it for a long time. It was a chore. But somewhere along the way I fell in love with it. Walking, running, cycling, roller skating… I love it! I frequently listen to my audio Bible. With no distractions I can absorb the words. I downloaded it for $7.50. Amazing! And the very best thing about my workouts is it is usually the only time I get to myself.

So here’s the thing, since I had to give up running it’s hard for me to get my heart rate up like I used to. So instead of pouting, I decided to do fist pumps. Fist pumps to the front, fist pumps to the sky and flappy wing fist pumps to the side. Passersby give me the funniest looks and you know what I say, “Hello! How are you today?”

And you know what they say? “Hi.”

And then they get that look, the one that says they think I’m some kind of crazy, healthy, peppy, person. And you know what? I can live with that.

If chocolate is the color of temptation, color me chocolate. Chocolate ice cream, chocolate krinkle cookies, Godiva chocolate truffles. If my children were chocolate, I’d eat them. Considering all the chocolate I ate during my pregnancies, it’s amazing they aren’t. Over the holidays I had difficulty saying no to all of the goodies in the office. I did really well at first. People would offer me cookies and I would take 4, tuck them in my lunch box and take them home to my snack deprived family. (they constantly tell me we don’t have enough snacks in the house and this is my way to reward them—though for what I’m not sure.) Then one day, a beautiful Christmas Tree cookie asked to be mine, all mine, and I ate one. Then three. It was not a national tragedy, but close. Cookies are one of my trigger foods. Once I start eating them it’s all over. But I didn’t eat the chocolate. Instead, I began collecting it and tucking it away in my desk drawer. Every time I saw a goodie box, I grabbed a piece. I reasoned that I might *need* it for a rainy day. There is now a veritable gold mine of chocolate in my desk at work.

People react to my weight loss like I’m an enigma. To me, the person who has 100+ pounds to lose and the person who has 20 pounds to lose are no different. The same principals apply. Eat less, move more. Everyone knows if you eat less and move more you will lose weight. But permanent change requires a permanent change in your mindset. This is probably the biggest hurdle anyone with a significant amount of weight to lose faces. Most people look at changing their diet as synonymous with Chinese Water Torture. You can survive it, but why would you want to endure it? The simple answer is that you just have to want it bad enough. Yes,I know change is never easy.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. For some people, simply cutting out one dessert a day and starting an exercise program is a wonderful beginning. My first step was not small but that was intentional. I was so sick of my lifestyle that I knew I needed to make a big change. Several months into my journey I read that it is not wise to cut sugar out of your diet all at once. In fact, the doctor who wrote that book said anyone who cuts the sugar out all at once will fail. Oops. But cutting the sugar helped cut my appetite and I was able to relearn how to eat. I remember drinking milk and realizing it was sweet. Who’d a thunk it? Suddenly eating fruit and drinking milk was wonderful. I’m not usually crazy about salads but I fell in love with stir fried vegetables. So basically, my love affair with food continued but I learned to eat the kinds that didn’t clog my arteries.

My biggest challenge was exercise. I have always hated to exercise. So when I resolved to start walking it was pure torture. I will never forget my first trip around the block. I could barely breathe. It was excrutiating. But I decided not to focus on the pain of walking but rather on the beauty around me. I took my children and passed the time by talking about our day. I enjoyed the bright sunshine and fresh air. At first I could only walk about 15 minutes but slowly I built up my endurance and was able to move for 30 and then 45 minutes. I made it a goal to walk every day and I really came to look forward to those walks. That was “me” time and nothing took precident over it. Today I enjoy exercise. It is the best part of my day. I love how I feel when I get my heart rate up. I feel like I can fly. Even on those days when I’m tired I try to push through because I know I will feel better when it is over.

I also had an accountability partner. When the going got tough I would call her and she would talk me down off the ledge. What a blessing she was! Becky will never really know the important part she played in my transformation. Good friends are an invaluable part of permanent change. 5 months into my journey a friend at work wanted to help celebrate my birthday. He brought in a sugar free angel food cake covered with berries. I had to cry. His unwavering support made me feel like I could do anything.

The biggest thing I have learned during my journey is that when I fail, I have to forgive myself. I know I’m going to have bad days. I’m going to eat things I shouldn’t and over indulge. I’m going to skip a workout. Life happens! But that doesn’t mean my life is over. One bad choice does not necessitate another. Every day is a new day–a new opportunity–ripe with possibility.

Everyone must choose how they want to live their life. I didn’t want to carry around that extra weight for the rest of my life and then I took that first step. You can too!