Destination Discipline

I write frequently about doing what is difficult to maintain my health. But it is never so real as when my body rebels against me. For the past two weeks I’ve been dealing with a pretty severe bout of depression. Depression makes me tired and unable to cope with the most mundane decisions of life. It frustrates me to no end. Period.

I have made a habit of pushing through when my body isn’t “feeling it.” My routine is to get up, work out and go to work. I am like a robot on autopilot. So even when I don’t feel like it, which has been just about every day of the past two weeks, I did it anyway. Walking, cycling, strength training. That’s my rotation. I normally enjoy my workouts but lately I feel like a dead man walking. No doubt about it, this has been really tough.

Yesterday I was jogging a bit and I literally thought, “I just don’t want to do this anymore. I feel bad.” But I had to keep walking because I was 2 miles from home. That’s one way to ensure you finish your workout! I ran past The Ferguson Farmer’s Market and encountered a woman walking to her car with fresh produce. She hollered at me, “Hey, you’re the girl that writes that column(Ferguson by Foot).” I nodded yes and said, “Have a great day!” Which is what I always say to people I meet in my neighborhood. And her smile was so big and so wide that it was infectious. And I caught it. And I began to smile too. Suddenly, I didn’t feel so bad anymore. She gave me the best gift.

This morning I laid in bed with that same heavy feeling in my body but my youngest beastlet was intent that I should get up RIGHT NOW and feed him. And since my routine is to work out, I put on my cycling clothes, after he was fed, and hopped on my bike. The first mile was tough but I changed my routine by taking the scenic route and felt the fog lift from my brain. I knew the hill was coming, the totally terrible hill that leads up into the UMSL campus. I love that hill for the mere fact that once upon a time I couldn’t walk up it, much less ride a bike up it. As I climbed(standing up and grinding the pedals to move forward) I crossed under the Metrolink bridge and met a flock of Canadian geese. They flew over my head in this great cloud of feathers and took my breath away. I don’t know what it is about birds in flight, but they always amaze me. Not long after that I encountered 4 sparrows who were dusting themselves off in the street. They were rolling about when I startled them and they took to the air in perfect formation. They reminded me of the Blue Angels, rocketing off in different directions.

When I grow up, I want to be a bird. I want to run and jump and soar. Obviously this desire to fly is what led us to create airplanes. I never cease to be amazed at air travel. Every time I fly I can’t help but gaze out the window and dream. It blows my mind.

Near the end of my ride a large hawk flew a few feet over my head and then flew next to me, on my left, as I coasted down a large hill. He landed on a street light near the bottom and watched me continue on my journey. He was spectacular. When we drove to church 30 minutes later I noticed he was still there, waiting for the perfect varmint to scurry by. I was so inspired by his grace and majesty. That feeling(joy) roused in my chest and radiated from my skin. And I wondered, what if I chose not to get up and ride my bike? What if I had stayed in bed and wallowed in my suffering?

Sometimes moving is a challenge. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes keeping my appetite in check is impossible. Sometimes it’s not. This is life. But no matter the challenges of the day, I refuse to give up or give in. And I don’t say that to be trite. I don’t have a “Golly, gee whiz, Beaver!” attitude. But I have to remember who I am. I know what my identity is. I am a child of the King. He enables me, sometimes through sheer force of will, to keep going. And sometimes He gives me these moments of grace that are so profound and sweet…that all I can do is weep. I know what my day will look like if I skip my morning workout. I will feel just like I did when I woke up. But if I get up…if I venture outside…if I go on an adventure…maybe, and probably, I will experience something I wouldn’t have otherwise. Be it a smiling neighbor or a hawk in flight, I want to experience life.

Today, if you are fighting something, be it mental, spiritual or physical, I implore you…push through it. Don’t let yourself get caught in the quagmire. I have to believe tomorrow will be better. And while I am used to getting slapped upside the head by reality, keeping a positive attitude is beneficial.

In other words, “Don’t worry! Be happy!” Life is too precious and short to waste marinating in your sorrows. Yes, they will come, but my advice is, to the best of your ability, be a duck and let them roll off your back and just keeping swimming(or flying)!

I’m not having a very good day. In fact, I haven’t had a good day in about 6 days. There are adjectives that describe days like today, colorful words that ladies don’t ever say. Not ever(or at least not when children or small animals are around).

I arrived home tonight and sat in the driveway for 10 minutes. I did this because I know that when I get out of the car and walk through the front door I am going to encounter this.

I was really good today. I wanted to eat many bad things but instead I waited until I was hungry to eat lunch and ate cabbage salad. There are many good things about cabbage salad. It is crunchy. It is good for your body. It does not taste like chocolate chip cookies. It does not taste like pizza. It does not taste like French fries. Oops. You see, my brain made my arms lift the fork to my mouth and made my mouth eat the cabbage salad, but my brain could not shut off the craving for everything BUT cabbage salad. My boss told me he was hungry about 3:00pm and I said, “I have cabbage salad. Would you like some?” And he rolled his eyes and walked away. Today, I felt like that too but instead of rolling my eyes I ate it. Why? Because obviously I had not endured enough torture and really wanted to push myself over the edge.

My boss said, “Do you have any chocolate?” And I gave him the candy bar he has been slowly chipping away at for the past week. That I keep in my desk. That I don’t allow myself to eat. Because I am strange. I mean really, who does that?

I know what I need. I need a bunny. I need a fluffy bunny that craves love and affection as much as I do. He should be black and have floppy ears and he should get angry when I stop petting him. Oh, look! I found one!

I will hug him and squeeze him and call him Laddie–because that’s his name.

Tomorrow is a new day. It should be better than today. It may not be, but it should be. So I’m going to eat some sugar free something(last night it was sugar free peach pie, sugar free muffins and sugar free chocolate–because if it is sugar free, it is calorie free, right?) And I am not going to weigh myself because I won’t like what I see. And I will find something good and glorious to be happy about.

Right now I need to chase away the cute and cuddly ground hog that is hanging out in my neighbors yard because even though I told my youngest beastlet to stay away from it “It will gnaw your face off!” He just really wants to pet it. And it’s almost as big as he is and I don’t want to end this *insert expletive of your choice* day at the hospital explaining why my child was trying to cuddle with a wild and vicious animal even though we have plenty of domesticated animals to cuddle with in the house.

I’ve been a little down lately(hey, it happens) and as a result have taken comfort in food a few too many times. Today I resolved not to give in to my carnal desires, and physically, it doesn’t feel all that great. So for others struggling to do what is right for their bodies, I thought I would share a little bit of the war I fight when I get sad.

I encounter sweet snacks everywhere. When I walk to the cafeteria, the “packaged for my convenience” cookies twinkle. I could eat 20 and it wouldn’t satisfy the “sad” so I move on. My boss asks for chocolate. I hand him pieces from the stash I don’t let myself eat. The woman who sits closest to me offers donuts(she’s too cute to smack). When I look at my children, they scream ice cream. And don’t get me started on the refrigerator. It hums my name constantly. Well, it can hum all it wants tonight. There’s nothing sweet in there to eat! I am starving that sucker too!!

But seriously, I resolved to eat a healthy salad at lunch to clean up my body a bit. It was okay. I had fun with it…lots of tomatoes and 6 croutons. And it did what I needed it to do. It ensured that I would begin to go stark raving mad right about 2:30pm when my true hunger kicked in.

I fought the urge to eat a snack because sometimes I want my body to experience hunger for a few hours. That lets me know it’s using up the extra fat I stored when I indulged in ice cream and cookies earlier in the week. I drank my water but the cravings rolled over me in waves…strange cravings that even include cedar shavings(like I used to line my guinea pigs cage when I was a child). Why would I start smelling cedar shavings? Go back to the stark raving mad paragraph above.

Sometimes I need to starve my “sad.” I need to put my life into perspective. Being hungry makes me think about what is really important. If I eat to feel better I’m diluting the fundamental problem. I have to deal with my emotions, not numb them with sugar.

The other issue that causes my “sad” related cravings to escalate is a skipped workout. I took the day off today to rest my body, and when my brain is deprived of blood, it hurts my psyche. I don’t understand it, but I always want to eat more when I don’t work out. It’s not a hungry eating, it’s a “something’s missing” eating. Stupid, dysfunctional brain.

It was a slower day at work which contributed to the madness a bit. But I’m sticking to it. Homemade, wheat crust pizza with lots of fresh veggies is on the menu for dinner. I’m looking forward to it. And I’m sticking to my resolve tomorrow too. Salad for lunch. Fruit for dessert. Because I know if I eat lots of fresh veggies for a few days, it will clean the sugar crap out of my system and I will stop craving it.

My cousin posted on Facebook that her work partner was eating a big greasy hamburger while she ate healthy food. She was frustrated but she really encouraged me(which is why I wrote this blog). I am not alone in my cravings and I am strong enough to resist them. I do not need fat and sugar laden goodies to make me feel better. And so what if I see visions of White Castle hamburgers dancing across my desk? I have never claimed to be completely sane. Besides, a little madness makes for a more interesting person.