Destination Discipline

You gotta love Groupon. From discounted entertainment packages to your favorite restaurant, they’ve got a deal for everyone. I opened the email from Groupon today and noticed this: “Weight-Loss-Hypnosis Class.” I thought to myself, “Now I’ve seen everything.” Sure I’ve heard about hypnosis to lose weight, but I never actually considered it. I mean, it sounds good in theory, but after seeing a hypnotist perform in a science class in high school, I thought it was all a bunch of mumbo jumbo. So when I saw the byline in my email I was astounded to see below it, “Over 900 bought.” Wow. And only 11 people bought tickets to see the DaVinci exhibit.

FACT: people are desperate to lose weight. They will sprinkle magic “fat blocking” powder on their food and they will buy electrical-stimulation-abdominal belts to contract their abs so they don’t have to do one single sit-up. What does this say about our culture?

Yesterday a friend posted a cute little picture on Facebook that stated “I’d much rather eat pasta & drink wine than be a size zero.” I immediately identified. Who doesn’t love pasta? But it seems unfortunate that our culture continues to glorify self-indulgence at the expense of our health.

Last night my husband and I were talking about health insurance. (Yes, I’m going there.) Our youngest child has Juvenile diabetes. Due to some unforeseen dental expenses we have used nearly all of the money in my health savings account, which means we will have to come up with a chunk of change should anyone need to go to the hospital. Rest assured, unless it is broken, severed, or comatose, we will not be going to the emergency room. On one hand Americans insist on Krispy Kreme donuts, but then complain about the cost of health insurance. “Margaret, get to the point,” you say. Okay. I will. Since I lost the weight I have seen my own health improve dramatically. I’m not saying I never get sick, but instead of getting sick 1-3 times a month, I now get sick 1-3 times a year. I honestly believe it is because I am not filling my body with junk food on a regular basis. I will note, when I go on a bender and eat a lot of sugar, I get sick. Every. Single. Time. That is because refined sugars are poison and weaken the immune system.

The basic issue: we know we are fat and sick. Life without health insurance is literally unthinkable. We know most of the foods we eat are bad for us(fried chicken, cookies, French fries). We are also so desperate we will try anything (short of eating right and exercising) that will make us sexy(Vanity of vanities!). But we ignore our sickness and disease(so many studies say antioxidants in fruit and veggies prevent cancer) because we have decided eating pasta is more important than being slimmer(healthy). Modern conveniences save us having to walk up stairs or even into the grocery store to buy food(motorized carts are available). We believe the lies marketing companies tell us, “You deserve chocolate lava cake.” And we get fatter and more unhealthy every single day. The $35 billion a year diet industry is making a fortune from our ignorance and apathy. And unfortunately, the health care industry is too. But rather than address all of these issues, we spend $29 on a weight loss hypnosis class? Really? It seems we are already hypnotized. What other explanation could there be?

There are many days I wish I could go back to the way I was. Ignorance is bliss, right? I could look at a plate of Fettuccini Alfredo and not think calories and carbohydrates. I could make my daily trip to Taco Bell or White Castle and suck in chocolate shakes with reckless abandon. After all, plus size clothing stores have made it so that I can be both portly and a snappy dresser. But I can’t. I was desperately unhappy as an obese person. I physically felt terrible every single day. My butt didn’t fit in chairs. It hurt to move. I was embarrassed about my lack of self-control. And while I feel that I am fundamentally the same person, fat or thin, I feel good knowing I have taken control of my life. Discipline really is a very good thing.

Yes, losing the weight was really hard. Yes, maintaining my weight loss is a struggle. But hypnosis could never, fundamentally fix me, much the same way gastric bypass surgery misleads many obese people. Ask Al Roker! Each choice I make over the course of my life has consequences. I make a conscious decision to educate myself, eat right and move my body. The result is that I lose weight! But the moment I start eating too much, stop exercising or fall into unhealthy patterns, I will quite literally bear the weight of those decisions.

At the end of the day, it’s not about fitting into my goal blouse any more. It’s about how I feel when I walk or run, ride my bike or play baseball with my boys. I am no longer encumbered by the layer of blubber on my belly. I’m also healthy and relatively happy. And you want to know a secret? I did it for FREE.

What kind of healthy advice is that? “Keep your fat clothes?” you say. “Margaret, have you lost your mind?”

I have noticed that people like to give advice. It makes them feel good for some reason. Maybe they feel like they’re a part of my success if they tell me what I should do with my life. One piece of advice people frequently give is, “Get rid of your fat clothes.” My chiropractor even said, “Don’t give them away, burn them. And then do a jig around the fire.”

Oh, it all sounds good in theory. You’ve lost a bunch of weight. You have these extra clothes hanging around that you can’t wear anymore and they are taking up space. Chuck em. Right? WRONG.

Here are 9 reasons why you should not throw away your fat clothes:

1) You might get pregnant.

2) You might get an abdominal tumor that mimics pregnancy.

3) You might contract hypertension(swelling).

4) Your dryer might break and shrink all your skinny clothes.

5) You might have a thyroid problem you are unaware of that may flare up.

6) You might want to dress up as a fat person for Halloween.

7) You might gain weight because you ate too much ice cream every night for a month and you don’t want to sit at work with pants that are too tight because that would be uncomfortable.

8) You might want to build a fat scarecrow to frighten greedy squirrels.

9) Sledding requires extra layers of clothing.

Now, I’m not going to tell you which of the above qualifies in my particular situation. All I’m going to say is, I’m glad I kept some fat clothes. So what if I hate squirrels and have a crafty spirit?

On the flip side, skinny clothes are inspirational. When I look at the powder blue Cinderella style dress I bought at the thrift shop for $1, it makes me want to eat less pasta. Because if I can lose those extra pounds, I will be able to wear it and pretend I am a princess. Because Princesses are skinny and therefore happy. And pretty, skinny people definitely do not have problems. They are perfectly content. Then never get sad, or fired, or stab people when they get angry.

But in all seriousness…life happens. Nobody is perfect. Losing weight did not make me immune to obesity. I also know that gaining a bit of weight is not the end of the world. I am not going to get a whip and start giving myself lashes.

So for those who want to shed those extra pounds…

1) Avoid the grocery store. Shopping is bad. Besides, if there’s no food in the house, you can’t eat it.

2) Put a clothespin on your nose when the people at work break out the crockpot. Hey, it works for cartoon characters.

3) Ingest a tapeworm.

Disclaimer: Yes I have gained a few pounds. No, I do not advocate eating a tapeworm. I do advocate eating lots of fresh fruits and vegetables and getting more exercise.

The really and truly wonderful thing about gaining weight is I am up to the challenge of taking it back off. Also, I already know it’s not impossible so I just have to eliminate the bad habits I’ve fallen into(damn you to hell, ice cream!). And while I’m not proud of myself for eating my sad away, I don’t think it’s productive to dwell on the past. Today is glorious. Today I get to eat fresh steamed green beans(as many as I want!) and salmon and fresh made salsa from a friend. I get to skip rope and climb extra flights of stairs. See? Life is good. Squirrels and all.

I know my blog is boring…no cool recipes…no cool workout tips. Just me and my thoughts. I don’t have cool pictures or action and when I look at other blogs I feel, well, a little flat. When I read through past posts I realize what you are all thinking…Margaret is neurotic. Well, yes. Yes I am.

But here’s the deal, I’m just living life. It’s hard most of the time. I’m busy and I don’t have time to design and develop and spend untold hours making everything shiny. I always hope that someone picks up some hard earned worldly wisdom from me but if they don’t, that’s okay because most of the time writing here helps me work out how to move forward, warts and all.

Some realizations I’ve come to over the past couple of weeks…

• No matter how much I think I’ve got this healthy thing down, I will find some way to screw it up. There is nothing like going to the massage therapist and having him say, “Have you put on some weight?”

• There is no law that says, “Thou shalt not gain weight.” I am glad my husband loves me no matter what size I am.

• I love Jesus. What I mean by that is not, “I’m so holy-look at me roll!” It’s more like, I’m so glad I’ve got this best friend who just accepts me for who I am and nudges me to keep trying to improve and totally gets why I’m a total jerk to Him and forgives me and then says “Learn from this.” What a mouthful, but true.

• I’m a terrible parent. My poor kids. I feel so bad to be their role model in life. I hope they don’t marry crazy hormone riddled women like me. I am worried they are doomed…

• I don’t care how much it costs. I’m buying cherries. They are only ripe and tasty in the summer. Same goes for peaches.

• Life is precious and fragile and beautiful no matter how I am feeling at any given moment.

When I first began my journey to better health I realized I needed to learn discipline. I know now I will always be fighting my carnal nature to eat and eat and eat for no other reason than I want to because it makes me feel good for a minute. I worship food, which makes me sad. Last night I put double the amount of lasagna on my plate that I needed to eat. I stood there and stared at it. And I realized that I should put half of it back. But I didn’t because I thought that emotionally, I would not make it through the evening without 2 pieces of lasagna. What a crock. And then I ate ice cream.

And this morning I felt all the regret I always do when I eat too much and step on the scale. So I ran further and harder than I should have and blew my hip. Good job, Margaret!

But my pastor gave this sermon a long time ago and said, “You are a child of the King.” And that resonates with me. “Child” implies I am loved no matter how foolish and rebellious I am. But “King” implies that as a princess I am held to a higher standard. I want to be the perfect healthy, inspirational gal but I’m just a human being. And all I can really do is learn from my mistakes and try to do better. People that think Christians are perfect or should be perfect are sadly mistaken. We are fallible. And any Christian who pretends to be perfect is, well, I won’t go into that here…

Today I have peace with who I am. I know my weaknesses and I refuse to give up. That speaks to the fact that I have good, strong character. My family knows I love them, even when I am crabby. I have peace with the fact that I don’t have the perfect body or the perfect blog. I have peace with the fact that I am not wealthy or poor. Basically, I just have peace. To me, that is the essence of being a follower of Jesus. Even when my world is crumbling, I’m off my feed, or just plain goofy, I have peace in my soul.

What more can anyone ask for?