Destination Discipline

Sometimes my youngest Beastlet(hereby referred to as B#3) gets stuck. Not physically stuck, but mentally stuck. He decides that he wants something and then proceeds to badger me about it until he gets it. The screaming matches are legendary in our house. I never win. He is one stubborn kiddo. This morning it was trains. B#3: “I want to take the trains to Grandma’s house today.” Me: “No.” The giant Rubbermaid tub of trains weighs about 40 pounds and there is no way I’m lugging that to the car in heels. He began to wail and I knew he was building up to a tantrum of epic proportions. But rather than let him escalate I decided to try a new tactic that is proving most effective…distraction. If I can distract him for long enough, he forgets what he wanted and we move forward. I asked him a simple question that forced him outside his current train of thought and caused him to formulate a response. Do you know that after his long and complicated answer, he completely forgot about the trains? We left the house in peace. Mom wins this round: 1 point.

Lately I find myself taking fruitless mental trips. The bad thing about the brain is its vast capacity to wander. If not careful, it will take me someplace I really don’t want to go. The wonderful thing about the brain is I control it. If I don’t like where I’m going, I can redirect. This process takes practice and perseverance, but it works.

For example:

Thought process: My boss is going to Australia. My boss is so lucky. I wish I were going to Australia. Australia is a beautiful place. How come I can’t afford to go to Australia? I wish I made a million dollars a year. It’s not fair that I can’t go there. Why can’t I be rich like my boss? I hate my boss. He is stupid. I hate my job. I hate my life. Queue bitterness and depression for the rest of the day..

Now, if I recognize where my train of thought is going before I get to the red text above, I can redirect to the purple text below:

They have kangaroos in Australia. Kangaroos are scary. Bugs Bunny taught me they will pummel me with their ginormous feet. I don’t want to go to Australia because I might get mauled by a kangaroo. Queue relief, nervous laughter and a jovial mood for the rest of the day.

See?

Today some idiot put a box of donuts outside my cube. On the very top was blueberry cake donut, my absolute favorite. I can put the donut of doom out of my mind for a while but every time I turn around, the thought of that sweet, fluffy, fat laden confection slaps me upside the head and says, “Pay attention, B*tch! I own you.” So I can choose to go down path #1 and land in a sad, depressed state wherein I lament that there are skinny people in the world who can enjoy blueberry cake donuts and never gain a pound. And then there is me. I have gained 2 pounds just looking at the donut. Then I feel so bad about life that I have to eat the donut to make myself feel better OR, I can think about the sugary sweet grapes I’m going to eat instead and how fantastic I will feel after I eat them. Because if I ate that donut, I would get a sugar buzz for about 30 minutes and then crash into a pile of sludge and feel like I swallowed a rock for 2 hours. And then I would beat myself about the head for hours reminding myself how weak and pathetic I am. Ew!

The brain is an amazing organ. It controls so much of our bodies without us consciously telling it what to do. Imagine how challenging it would be to purposefully think about every breathe we took. And yet, we can hold our breath if we want to. So many times we don’t try to step outside our “mental trip” to see we have other options. For obvious reasons, we get stuck in a rut. Why do they call it a rut? Because, Dummy, you’ve been over that ground a thousand times. Today, I encourage you to step off the beaten path and run through the green field to your right. There are daisies and deer and maybe even a creek with a frog in it. Now, you wouldn’t want to miss that frog, would you?

I heard about it before I saw it. How beautiful, moist and tantalizing it was. I knew I couldn’t resist and yet I longed to see it. Still I resisted. After all, I hadn’t been officially invited. So I tried to pretend it wasn’t there, even though I heard it calling for me.

“Margaret? Margaret! I know I’m here. And you know I’m here. And I’m so sad and lonely, Margaret. Won’t you come and visit me? I don’t have that many calories and my icing is so blue and white and beautiful.”

My friend came to my cube with a plate and gave a real voice to the cake who had been shouting my name ever since it arrived. “Margaret, did you know we have cake over there? You should get a piece. It is absolutely worth the calories.” She smiled that sickeningly sweet way pregnant people smile because they have no guilt. Calories are not calories when your pregnant. I should know. So I ran–I swear–I actually ran around the corner fast smoke was billowing at my heels. I then saw the cake in its fully glory. It was love at first sight.

It didn’t matter that I’d been 1 day without sugar. It didn’t matter that I was finally starting to feel a modicum of control. Nothing would stop me from savoring every single morsel I could stuff into my face.

I heaped the cake onto a plate and scrapped off some extra icing for good measure. The best part of the cake is the icing, right? And I began the slow and careful walk back to my cube. Slow…because I didn’t want to muss it. Careful, because my poor heart would have broken if I dropped it. But when I reach my space I felt a teeny, tiny twinge of guilt. Did I really want to eat the cake? YES! But really, Margaret? YES! Still, I couldn’t do it. It was just so pretty. So I put it in a Tupperware container and tucked it gently into the freezer so I could take it home and eat it slowly….later….when no one would see me….it would be our little secret.

I texted my husband. “I have cake. I think I should eat it. Don’t you?”

“No. You should save the cake for me.”

“Maybe it will survive the ride home.” I responded begrudgingly.

And it did. Somehow that perfect dessert made it home. And do you know that my husband actually got to eat it? And I didn’t eat any?

I woke up the next morning and I felt like I was Queen of the world. I’ve got the power! I said to myself as I danced around the house. Somehow I survived the temptation. It was so empowering. I had almost forgotten what it felt like to resist a dessert. I felt so great about it I got my husband another piece the next day. And he was very happy. And so was I.

The moral of this story is, I love cake. But I love my body more. And even though it was really hard to deprive myself of that wonderfully sinful cake, I was so glad I did. Sometimes doing the right thing, though painful in the moment, is actually the most amazing feeling in the whole wide world. Really. You should try it sometime!

I love my family. I love my friends. I love to eat. Combine these three things and BLISS! My aunt(Mickey) and uncle(Mike) offered to let me pick green beans at an impromptu stop in the country on Sunday. They know I love green beans. Honestly, I think I could eat them every day and not complain. Because of their generosity I have free, fresh green beans all week. Steamed with butter, garlic and onions, they are heavenly.

My friend Sheryl inspired me to make salsa a few weeks ago. I cooked and canned a few pints and am slowly savoring my way through it. She also encouraged me to try guacamole. She said avocados are very good for the body. In my wildest dreams I would never have tried that weird, green fruit but I love my Sheryl and honestly, if she asked me to try fish heads, well, I would make a gallant try. I know she would never steer me wrong. So I made my first attempt at guacamole this week and Hooray! It was very yummy.

All of this to say, I continue to struggle with my eating. I want to eat too much too frequently. But I have resolved to try to eat healthier. And then my friends and family surround me with love and give me two of my favorite foods, of which I can pretty much eat what I want. Tonight for dinner I feasted on green beans and guacamole. And it seems like a strange combination but I love eat and they were very tasty. As I ate I thought about the people I love, who love me, and my heart was warm.

I was on “Mom strike” tonight because I needed to rest from my hectic life. Mom strike involved not making dinner for my family. They had to scrounge. And that was good for them. I made homemade bread for my husband(I have wholly converted him from store bought fluffy-no substance-pretends-to-be-bread) and I made guacamole. And I am happy.

Today was a long day, but significantly better than the days that preceded it. My boys are running around the house laughing and playing. No stress. No commotion. We have been just hanging out. Randy is telling me about the book he is reading, “Happy Happy Happy” by Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty fame. He has decided to be a duck hunter. Maybe I should go on Mom strike more often?

Tomorrow we see Switchfoot. We are SO excited. So I am heading to bed early with a few raisins as my sweet snack for the day. I ran this morning and did not hurt my hip. And, my husband is happy with the cake I brought him from work, that I was given and was somehow able to smuggle home without eating. Food, family, and friends makes for a happy happy happy Mom.