Destination Discipline

In April of 2010 I knew I was fat but wasn’t willing to do anything about it. I didn’t want to separate myself from the foods I loved or move enough to burn off my extra padding. Conceptually, I wanted to be skinny and pretty—like most women. I wanted my husband to find me attractive. I wanted to bend over and touch my toes—okay, not really—I just wanted to be able to clip my toenails. But I was locked into a addiction that was worse than any prison. I had no idea I was killing myself emotionally and physically. But rather than address the issues causing me to spiral, I sulked, made excuses, and cried. It was all very unproductive.

Fast forward three and a half years and I am rubbing people the wrong way with my healthy lifestyle. The way some people roll their eyes at me, you would think their eyeballs were loose. Today I feel this deep well of emotion stirring in my soul. I want to educate people on what it means to be healthy. It seems that many people around me have a very loose idea of what good health is and what it truly means to be healthy. Even worse, they don’t care. This has made me deeply reflective. Why do I care?

The diet industry is booming. Obviously there is a market for people who want to lose weight or get in shape. But until a person identifies their motives, sets a goal and sticks to a plan, they are no better than me, a decade ago, ordering Hydroxycut and saying a prayer that it would melt the fat off my body. I am so glad I have adjusted my mental faculties into learning discipline, not only because I wanted to lose weight, but because I felt God wanted me to take control of my out-of-control life. I am whole-heartedly convicted that being “self-controlled and alert” is a spiritual and physical discipline. I love the comedian, Jim Gaffigan. He makes no excuses for his fat, pale body. In fact, he’s making a lot of money touring the country while making fun of himself for being fat and lazy. Sure it’s funny, but he’s a comedian and his life is supposed to be a punch line. But when we get serious, we are forced to take a hard look at our lives and our bodies. If we have to make jokes to deal with the pain, something is seriously wrong.

Here is my list(my opinion) of what Good Health is:

1) I am not in chronic pain. (sports injuries aside)

2) I can outrun my children, which means I always win.

3) I’m happy.

4) I don’t cry when I open the closet door(anymore).

5) I fit in the driver’s seat of my car without pushing the seat back.

6) I don’t have any serious illnesses and can fight off reasonable infection without antibiotics.

7) I can climb a flight of stairs without fear of passing out.

8) I enjoy eating lots of fruit and vegetables.

I could go on and on but eight seems like a good number. I used to think I had no say in my health. I assumed I would contract cancer, or some other terrible disease, at any time and there was nothing I could do to prevent it. I now know that eating the right food and exercising regularly will help prevent terrible diseases. Take type 2 diabetes, for example. Between 1995 and 2010 the number of diagnosed cases of diabetes jumped by 50% or more in forty-two states and by 100% in eighteen states. These statistics are so staggering that the Center for Disease Control and Prevention is trying to create a strategy to slow the prevalence of this illness. If you don’t know, Diabetes causes blood glucose(sugar) levels to rise higher than normal because your body loses its ability to use insulin properly. We also know that sugar feeds cancerous tumors. So why do people insist on consuming it in such vast quantities? Yes, I do know it’s tasty but it’s killing us!

The tipping point for me was my recent decision to cut dairy and gluten from my diet. Three weeks have passed and I feel like a completely different person. I have lost 7 pounds. My head is clear. I am not obsessing about food anymore. I’m so full of joy and relief that I keep saying, “Thank you, Jesus!” It feels like a miracle and maybe it is. I lost 140 pounds through sheer force of will. If only I had known then what I know now… I never thought in a million years that life could be this good.

I want everyone to have what I have. That is why I am writing this blog. Yes, this world is fractured and imperfect. Yes, there is pain, sorrow and hardship. Yes, bad things happen to good people. But we have one thing we can control, our bodies and what we do with them. I have a serious question for you to consider: Why wouldn’t you do everything humanly possible to take care of your body?

Because honestly, I don’t see K-Mart having a blue light special on human bodies any time soon.

I realize I sound like a “how to” manual, but as I was jogging this morning I thought through some of the things I have learned in my journey. It is so overwhelming for a heavy person to even think about going on a diet. Especially if they have tried and failed multiple times. I saw a friend in the grocery store last night and told her about my switch to a gluten/dairy free lifestyle. I know she struggles with depression like me and thought it might be beneficial. I said, “It’s really not that hard.” She said, “Margaret, you make everything look easy. But it’s not easy.” It hurt my heart. So how can I simplify what I have learned into a few paragraphs that might help others out there get started? I’m going to try.

1) Forgive yourself for letting your body go. You have value and are worth the effort.

2) Don’t buy into the hype. People will try to sell you diet “miracles” the same as they will a Whopper.

3) Sacrifice and then persevere. Your body doesn’t know what healthy is. You “think” you want a burrito supreme but your body is probably craving water. You will have to retrain it and yes, it’s going to be difficult. But it’s worth it. I started by cutting out sugar and refined white flours. I drank water instead of putting food into my mouth. I walked about 15 minutes at first. I weighed 310 pounds and thought it was impossible to lose weight. It is not. You just have to train your body and your mind what healthy is. You will not lose weight eating Recess Peanut Butter cups, no matter how many miles you walk.

4) Relapse happens. Your favorite food is there and you eat it. And then you eat more. And then you realize your whole diet is blown and you may as well call it quits. Walk anyway. Start again. Never give up. Never surrender.

5) Work through your emotional issues with food. It really does all start in the brain. You don’t want to eat brussel sprouts, you’re not going to eat them. You want some chicken nuggets and you can’t stop thinking about them. You get sad. It’s not fair that Misty Skinny girl gets to eat heaps of candy and never gains a pound. You hate her. You imagine stabbing her with toothpicks. You give in and eat chicken nuggets and feel like a failure. You are not a failure. You just have to stop the negative self talk. So you don’t want Brussels Sprouts? What do you like that is healthy? Find a whole food that is tasty(raisins, lean meat, your favorite leafy vegetable). So you don’t like any of those things? Cut sugar out of your diet and your taste buds will change. I guarantee it.

5) Ask for help. I have faithful friends who listened to me cry when it got too hard for me. They help carry the water. And I asked God for help because He is my best friend. I never understate that because I could not have walked through this journey without Him.

Hebrews 2:18 Because he himself suffered when he was tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.

6) Study hard. Read everything you can about losing weight. Testimonials. Books about nutrition. Get excited and talk about it to everyone. Make them mad with your new smarts about living a healthy lifestyle. Real friends will bear up under it, phony friends will walk away. You didn’t need them anyway. I read “Half-Assed-A Memoir” by Jennette Fulda. She lost half her body weight through diet and exercise. Reading that book evoked so many emotions in me and I realized that I too could lose weight. Thank you, Jennette! You inspired me! 7) Have fun! Try new foods you would have never eaten before. For me it was pineapple, guacamole, fish tacos, fresh blueberries. Yes, you may have to eliminate most of what you ate before but that stuff is poison to your body. Discipline your mind to NOT think about the foods you can’t have and concentrate on the yummy foods you can. 8) Just keep swimming. Dory said it best in Finding Nemo. What works for someone else may not work for you. Your body is different than mine or your moms. Listen to your body and just keep moving. When I weighed 310 pounds I had to walk around the block and it was awful. When I weight 261 pounds I had to keep walking around the block and it was not as difficult. I knew that if I just kept walking and eating right, I was honoring my body. It was hard work. It was maybe the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life, but it was worth it. Today is a beautiful, glorious day. I grabbed my workout clothes and jogged and walked 6 miles. I went slow and careful because of my goofy hip. And I had fun. I love the clarity the dairy/gluten free diet is affording me. Today I am making hummus to eat for lunch this week. I amaze everyone at work with my beautiful salads and even fresh guacamole that I made at work in the lunch room. Do I sound like I’m miserable because I can’t have Recess Peanut Butter Cups and White Castle? Yes, it took me a minute to get over those cravings in the beginning but they did pass. I have lost 140 pounds. I never thought it was possible. What can you do to improve your life?

Now go get ’em!

I remember what it felt like to sit down in a chair and wonder if it was going to break. Even worse, would I fit at all? Or when I talked to my doctor and explained how I kept working out but I wasn’t losing any weight and asked him to check my thyroid. He patted me on the leg-smugly I might add-and said, “Now, Dear, you know about all those snacks you’re eating.” I was mortified. I was fat and felt a strong mixture of embarrassment, disappointment in myself, and hopelessness. Every. Single. Day.

When I look at a heavy person today I wonder who they are on the inside. What are their hopes and dreams? Who do they want to be when they “grow up”? Are they happy or do they wish they could fade into the background like I used to? And then I wonder, if they knew my story, would they be inspired to try to lose weight one more time? Or am I simply projecting all of my issues on to that anonymous person? Maybe they like carrying around extra weight. And who am I to judge if they do?

I used to think skinny people didn’t have problems. Maybe it was because I so desperately wanted to be thin. I thought if only I could lose the weight, all of my problems would fade. I thought I deserved to suffer, that I wasn’t worthy of love because I was so undisciplined. And in my deepest moments of pain I grabbed the mixer and whipped a batch of chocolate “bliss” cookies and slowly numbed the pain.

When I think about what my life used to look and feel like, I experience sadness tinged with relief. It’s true, I’m not a prisoner in my own body any longer, but more importantly, I’m not bound by cords of negative thinking. Somehow I found the escape route. And the joy I feel now motivates me to share my story because I want others to experience that too.

I began this journey three and a half years ago armed with very few resources and little hope that I could accomplish my goal…to lose 100 pounds. I suffered through agonizing withdrawals from my favorite foods and torturous walks up *gasp* hills(plural!). I cried a lot. I was angry at myself quite frequently. But I refused to give up because I knew to surrender to my desire for food would never, ever make me truly happy.

My first winter, when it was too cold to walk outside I taped workout routines on television(Gilad and Kathe). I picked up a kickboxing video by Kathy Smith and effectively pulled my ribs out of joint punching and kicking all over my living room. I strained my Achilles tendon. My knees ached. And last but not least, I tore the cartilage in my hip. But I didn’t lose my resolve to stay healthy. If I could never work out another day in my life(because I became a quadruple amputee) yes, I would be sad, but I would still do everything in my power to eat right and move(even if I had to have my husband push me around in a wheelbarrow.

Yesterday I had the distinct pleasure to meet Kathy Smith in person. I was able to share a little bit of my story and get my picture taken with her. It was such an honor to meet her, not because she’s a celebrity, but because I know she shares my passion for physical and mental fitness. I have always wondered if I had the opportunity to do a live aerobics class, would I be able to keep up. I don’t have to wonder any more. This morning I had the privilege to work out with Kathy Smith live and I did more than keep up, I had fun.

I love my life. I love the healthy body I have worked so hard for. I know I am blessed because there are many people in this world who do everything right and are still unhealthy, through no fault of their own. I will never take it for granted. I also know I am still Margaret and I still struggle with food addiction. But it doesn’t define me. I am fighting it with every sinew in my body. I am studying and learning everything I can to take care of my one and only body. I no longer fret and worry over “having to work out every day for the rest of my life.” I just go out and enjoy it.

I’m not worried about chairs breaking when I sit down any more. And for that I am deeply thankful. Getting from there to here has been a long and winding journey, but I wouldn’t change a single second of it. Because every (painful) step, every unsatisfied craving, and every tear I wiped on my sleeve brought me to where I am today. The place where I am doing planks in my living room while my youngest son says, “Mommy, you look like a bridge.” Yes, Son. I do. And you know what? I feel as strong as a bridge too.