Destination Discipline

Today I climbed on my bike for the first time since my illness. It was only my second ride of the year but since my first ride, 2 weeks ago, was so great I assumed I could go for miles and miles and oops…I realized half-way through that I am still recovering from the flu. I started coughing and my legs turned to jelly and I wondered if I was going to make it home. But I geared down and just kept peddling anyway, just as fast as my wobbly legs would carry me. And the wind was blowing and I felt like the snails were moving faster than I was, but I arrived home safe and a lot more peaceful than when I set out. Of course, all that peddling(an hour and 45 minutes worth) probably worked all the orneryness out of me. Exercise is definitely an anti-depressant. I highly recommend it.

So today my good word is, Get outside and enjoy this beautiful weather! Get your heart beating and feel the blood rushing through your veins. And smile. Smiling makes the heart(and the body) happy.

As you know I haven’t been writing on my blog much lately. That is because I have been dealing with a crippling depression. And then I got sick. Really sick. Today I saw a light at the end of my tunnel of darkness so I am taking a moment to write. On a happier note, I did get to mushroom hunt before the flu came to cuddle and this is me with my big sack of morels. Another reason I love being healthy – lots of energy to hike and enjoy creation.

A good friend of mine called me recently and said, “Margaret, I’m looking to kick-start my weight loss regimen. Where should I start?” My brain was like a water balloon swelling with ideas. I could easily spend two hours telling people how to get healthy. In fact, talking about living a healthy lifestyle is probably my favorite thing to do other than writing. But I have learned that when people ask me questions about how to get healthy, they don’t have the capacity for everything I want to tell them. We are a “10 quick and easy steps” type of society. People want the “skinny” and pronto! They don’t want to hear about protein, grains and veggies. “Just tell me how to get rid of the fat already! And don’t tell me to exercise. I hate exercise.”

My friend had the luxury of calling on the phone so she didn’t have to look at me as my eyes crossed and I got all squinty. That happens when I’m trying to process how best to respond without sounding like a jerk. I have said it before and I’ll say it again, when I was fat, I hated talking to people who lost the weight. I secretly cursed them with a “I hope you gain it all back plus 20 pounds.” I really disliked the way they made weight loss sound so easy, like, they just snapped their fingers and the fat melted off. So when my friend asked me how to kick-start her weight loss journey I was completely honest. I said, “Prepare to suffer!”

“You said what?” Yep. That’s what I said. Because honestly, changing one’s lifestyle can be somewhat torturous. That is because human beings are creatures of routine. And food is one of our most comforting behaviors. When you realize you have to cut your calorie intake to lose weight, it’s not a pleasant thought. And when you actually start cutting the calories? Oh HELL!

And that’s just the food issue. When I start talking about exercise people get this look on their face like, “You want me to yodel and hula at the same time? Not gonna happen.” And then I spend the next 10 minutes talking to myself while they smile, nod and silently curse me to regain all the weight plus 20 pounds.

Now that I think about it, I wonder if I when I get that question I should respond with, “What would you like to hear?” That might save me some time and energy. There are many reasons I continue to be successful at keeping the weight off, and none of them are quick and easy. To be honest, some days I don’t even know how I got here because I feel like I have no self-control. But the reality of living a healthy lifestyle is so wonderful, it makes all the bad decisions and bad food days blips in my healthy living continuum.

Yes, diet and exercise are a big chunk of how I lost the weight, but the bigger, more important question was and continues to be, WHY? At the root of that question is the fundamental understanding of who I am as a human being and why I over or under-eat. For that reason, every decision that flows out of my brain is tied to my knowledge of myself and my body. That is why I love to read books about nutrition and exercise, but more importantly, books about addiction. I identify with people who have poor impulse control. Learning more about my weaknesses gives me the courage to turn them into strengths. If I had no true understanding of the way my body responds to refined sugar products, I would probably continue to try and eat them in moderation and fail miserably. Since I developed the patience to learn about my body and how it processes sugar. I now know it is a poison and I must avoid it at all costs. And yes, there is a cost. Sometimes skipping the cake or donuts is emotionally painful and I am sad. But like the recovering alcoholic, if I want to stay sober, I need to abstain.

I had lunch with a good friend today, someone I love beyond words. She cared for me many years ago when I was a fat, deeply insecure person, by loving me just as I was. And yet one of my most painful memories stems from our time together when she slapped a piece of Godiva chocolate out of my hand as I raised it to my mouth. I remember being utterly and completely mortified as I got down on my hands and knees and tried to find where the morsel of food had rolled under a desk while she looked on in abject horror. Her actions did nothing to dissuade me from eating but I honestly knew she loved me and only wanted to help. I forgave her on the spot but I never forgot. Sometimes I want to slap food out of people’s hands too, not because I think they are pigs, but rather because I think I have a better perspective on the deep pain they are in. Obese people suffer every day because being really heavy is a miserable experience.

That is why I have this saying on my desk at work: “Losing weight is hard. Maintaining weight is hard. Staying fat is hard. CHOOSE YOUR HARD!”

So yes, if you want to lose weight, prepare to suffer. The only thing you are choosing between is suffering forever (encompassed by a layer of fat you hate) or suffering by removing the “comfort” you receive from the food that is nourishing you. If you can suffer “well” by depriving yourself of sugar(fat and salt) and push yourself to move a little bit(walk, ride your bike or swim) you can regain your life, one pound at a time. Because even though I suffer now with temptation(donuts, cookies and candy) I would much rather endure the suffering of skipping dessert than the suffering of not being able to sleep because I’m suffocating and my arms are going numb. I lived that way for too many years and I am never, ever going back. So if you are silently cursing me to regain the weight plus 20 pounds, I am going to look at you and think, “you want me to yodel and hula at the same time?” I make this promise here and now….not gonna happen! And that is how a mind is made up. So which side of the fence do you want to sit on? I promise, this side is greener.

It seems that many of my friends are currently fighting their way through dark times. Tragedy, trauma and heartbreak are rampant and I am not exempt. We attended a wake last night and a funeral today. Some lives are lived so filled with joy that when the final page of their story is read, everyone rejoices, while others resound with a painful echo that induces only great sorrow. A handful of relatives gather in a room to say a final goodbye without a single flower or even an obituary. There, grief swallows every other emotion.

I noticed a curiosity in the funeral parlor, dishes overflowing with candy. If there was ever any doubt in my mind that sugar soothes the psyche, that notion was eradicated by a man with a large bag of spearmint lifesavers. It was all I could do to restrain my diabetic son from inhaling all of it. We celebrate birth and death with food, and everything in between.

While some people are born with a natural capacity for moderation, I was not. What I lack in that area is easily multiplied by my desire for sweets, thereby creating the monster of all food addictions. And since it only takes one bowl of ice cream to send me into relapse, I find myself clawing through the darkness once again. Sugar does something very bad to my brain that induces the deepest and darkest depression. Once in the throes of it, I find it difficult, if not impossible to escape because when I feel bad, I want more food to make me feel better which in turn makes me feel worse. I feel like I’m chained to the worst kind of treadmill and no matter how tired I am, I can’t get off.

“Margaret’s whining about food again.” You say. “Can’t she just get over it already?” It reminds me of my attitude toward alcohol and drugs addicts when I was younger. I didn’t understand how difficult it was to quit, not always because of the physical addiction, but even more so because of the emotional facet. Most smokers I know wish like crazy they could quit. They will have success for a period of time but usually revisit their old habit when life begins to stress them out. They derive a certain amount of comfort from the ritual, even more so than the nicotine. So I apologize if this entry sounds like whining. I only wanted to be honest about my struggle to maintain a healthy lifestyle while my body screams constantly for comfort in the form of food.

I looked in the mirror the other day and saw the old Margaret. She was helpless and lost. She didn’t know how to control her impulse to binge eat and wanted to give up. I saw the capacity for great harm in her eyes, like a big yellow warning beacon. I didn’t have a smart way to re-teach her to restrain the beast that has taken control of her life again, so I turned and walked away. Not a very fruitful decision, I might add.

So today I asked my friends for help. I asked them to pray for me and encourage me. Because more often than not, pretending everything is okay just makes it worse. So thank you, my friends. You know who you are. It’s good to know when I don’t have the electricity to shine, you bring the extension cord.