Destination Discipline

If you had asked me a few years ago if I liked crunches I would have said, “Absolutely! Nestle Crunch bars are fantastic!” I never considered exercising on a regular basis, much less once a week. A simple walk through the grocery store was enough to make my back and knees ache. Why would I want to torture myself by intentionally causing my body to sweat? I took comfort in my recliner and the bags of chocolate that kept me company. Except that the comfort those things offered was false and my misery was as real as the rolls of fat under my chinny-chin-chin.

This morning I rolled out my yoga mat and crunched my way through several sets of abdominal exercises. The more difficult the crunches became, the more determined I felt to do just one more. The entire time I was thinking about what a co-worker said a few days ago. David said, “Working out only feels great when the workout is over.” I’ll admit I do feel like that sometimes, but most of the time, I love my daily exercise regimen. Not that anyone will ever appreciate my abs. They are, after all, hidden beneath a doughy layer of fat and skin, but I sure feel strong when I’m using them.

Our culture is entirely too obsessed with body image, largely forgetting that who we are on the outside is not indicative of who we really are at heart. We make snap judgments about people because their thighs look more like lumpy carrots and less like string beans. It makes me sad. I don’t care how beautiful Gerard Butler is, or how many romantic leads he’s played in the movies. What I really want to know is, is he a nice person in real life? I know he worked out like a maniac to get in shape for his role in 300. It was an amazing accomplishment. But I’m going to say something radical… Changing the body is easy compared to changing ones heart.

Now we all know how difficult it is to lose weight. It is not a comfortable process. One must deny themselves consistently over a long period of time if they want to see their body change its shape. It means abstaining from high caloric foods, a practice even I am not overly fond of. Seriously, who doesn’t love pizza? But if you think losing weight is hard, think about what it means to change your heart.

Tonight I had an interesting conversation with one of my neighbors. I recently read an article about her in the Post Dispatch, detailing her time spent protesting outside of the Ferguson Police department. She is exercising her fundamental right to free speech and I have to admire her tenacity even though I don’t agree with her position. The current situation in Ferguson is very divisive and I honestly struggle to understand how our bewildered city will ever overcome the perception the world now has of us. But I still choose not to be defined by my zip code even if that means stepping outside of my comfort zone. Just like making a lifestyle change meant giving up eating foods that were bad for my body, loving my neighbor, who does not think like I do, means giving up hateful thoughts that contribute to a hardened heart.

The thing is, I really like Angelique. Her son played soccer with my son and they were also in marching band and jazz band together. She is conscientious and hard working. She cares very much about our community and she loves her son and daughter, just as much as I love my children. It would be very easy to write her off and pass judgement on her for standing on the corner with a sign day after day except that I know her. And the truth is, I really like her. I have been struggling with my feelings about her, and others like her, for some time now. It is so easy to surround myself with people who think and feel the way I do and never enter into the life story of someone different than myself. I am really struggling with this idea that loving my neighbor, even those who do not think the way that I do, is what real love looks like in practical terms. I’ve come to realize yet again that love is not a feeling, it’s a choice. I choose to not hate my neighbor just because they think or act differently than I do. I choose to ask questions about their lives and their points of view, even when it’s uncomfortable. I do this because in so doing, I form a relationship that not only enriches my life but theirs as well. Honestly, it’s not unlike a 310 pound woman trying to walk around the block. Each step may be hard and steep and sweaty, but with the goal before me of making my community a better place to live, I need to keep taking step after difficult step if I want to see lasting improvement.

Yes, the business of getting our bodies into shape is uncomfortable. We have to take it one step at a time if we want to see lasting results. It’s the same way with loving our neighbors, especially the ones we don’t particularly like or agree with. One of the first steps we can take is not to pre-judge. Ask sincere questions and listen. Learn about their history. I bet you’ll find that regardless of what it looks like on the surface, you may actually have something in common. After that first step, why don’t you try another? And then another? Maybe that’s the real key to building a strong community that will stand the test of time. All I know is this, nurturing hard feelings against those who think differently than I do may feel good for a while, but eventually I have to come to terms with the fact that it’s a falsehood. Just like a bag full of chocolate….it sure goes down easy, but it sure is a pain in the belly when the pants no longer fit.

Life is a series of extremes. Depending on the season we are in, we are either too busy or bored. I remember those not-so-blissful high school days where I felt isolated, lonely and did not make good use of the quantity of time on my hands. I remember the angst I felt as I longed for someone to acknowledge my existence. My only comfort seemed to be a book and a bag full of chocolate. I formed patterns of unhealthy behavior in my youth, that will follow me to the grave.

I am currently in a cycle of life that affords me little time for leisure. I rush from activity to activity. Even when I am still, my brain reels through reams of information as I try to sort out what my next plan of action is. My work is never done.

I consider it inevitable that I will eventually arrive at a place in life where time stretches before me like a desert, harsh and barren. If I am lucky, my body will age and deteriorate. I will have the benefit of watching my children grow up, marry, bear children and enter the chaos I now deal with on a daily basis. They will probably be too busy to call or visit and I will sit in my easy chair and long for the days when they cried for me to kiss their wounds. Because I am aware of these things, I count every moment I am able to move with them as precious. I also consider the time I have with my children to be among some of the most important moments of my life. I want to teach them all the things I have learned the hard way and prevent them from making the same mistakes. Unfortunately, they rarely listen.

My sons have recently been engaged in activities that best resemble the antics of Larry, Moe and Curly. They oscillate between anger, mischief, fun and eye doinking in turn. I am often frustrated by their lack of respect for each other and my sensitive ears. I long to wrap them up in my arms and hug away all that animosity for each other. How I wish I could give them new hearts for each other! But alas, I am left with only my own regrets to share as instruction on how NOT to treat their brothers.

We reached a fevered pitch last week when, left to their own devices, they turned on each other with malicious intent. A simple lecture from their overwhelmed mother wasn’t cutting it, so I sat them all down on the couch and tearfully explained that the damage they were inflicting on each other would last for a lifetime. I told them how much I regret fighting with my own brother and sister(tormenting them is a better word) and how the wounds from those battles have resulted in scars we all carry with us to this day. I told them we have a very limited amount of time to live together and learn to care for each other. Then I made them listen to a Bible story about two brothers. One brother’s unbridled anger gave way to murder and the one left standing lived out his years in exile because of it. My 17-year-old rolled his eyes incessantly and my 6-year-old couldn’t control his maniacle laughter(You would just have to meet him to understand) and was sent to his room. I feel like I try so hard to be a good mom but they rarely respond the way I want them to. I sat in my chair and sighed. Parenting young children is not often very rewarding for me. I see their fierce wills and stubborn hearts and I know they got those traits from me. While I understand life in extreme intimacy tends to fray nerves and bring out the very worst in all of us, I keep trying to teach them to practice tangible love. Tangible love means not pounding one’s brother because he broke your Lego ship.

Self-control is such a byword in modern society but I believe it is a staple of civilized life. Indulging too heartily in our appetites, whether they be anger, lust, food, gossip, etc. does not make our communities or families stronger. People that never learn to reign in their emotions and caustic behaviors can pass on that cycle of abuse to the next generation. I am trying to learn, and by example, teach my children that when they get upset they should stop, take a deep breath, and count to ten. Make every action or word intentional. Treat other people as if they are precious, because they are.

It’s easy to let fear or anger blind us to the points of view of others. We don’t take the time to stop and consider how our words or actions affect someone else much less what their thoughts or feelings are. Sometimes asking simple questions can breech a communication gap when indulging in emotional outbursts only exacerbates the problem. This takes discipline that can only be learned with diligent practice. We have an abundance of time, but we often use it poorly because we take it for granted.

Human relationships are hard. I think that’s why most people like to keep pets. We don’t have to work so hard for them to love us. But that doesn’t mean we should give up trying to make our human relationships better. No matter what season of life we are in, we should strive to improve our lives and relationships. My dad once told me he didn’t want me to have a life filled with regrets. Regret is inevitable, but we can purposefully strive to avoid it.

This morning I chose to skip my workout. I went to the grocery store and picked up necessities for my family. This was a great sacrifice for me. But upon my return, my 17-year-old told me he loved me. I hugged my 13-year-old son and told him I loved him and was proud of him. I gave my 6-year-old son hugs and kisses and tickled his ribs. I made an intentional decision to treat those moments with my children as if they were my last. I fail miserably at this most of the time, but I am purposefully trying to be the best mom I can be. I can’t change their hearts, but I can love the dickens out of them trying.

As I think about it, maybe the best gift I can ever give to my family is time; time to hear their hurts, time to hug or cuddle, time to teach love instead of hatred. Precious are the moments we share with those we love. We should never take them for granted. Remember that the next time you are rushing from one task to the next and find yourself irritable and short-tempered. A day will come when you no longer have the luxury of time.

One thing that drives me crazy about food addiction is that I am never satisfied by the things I crave most. If I decide to “treat” myself with ice cream, one bowl is never enough. The same goes for cookies. Two is never enough. The more I eat, the more I want. Therefore treating myself only makes my craving worse. Also, the more I eat sweet snacks, the more I build up a tolerance for them. One day I can stop at 8 cookies. The next day I can eat twelve before I get sick. And don’t get me started on food hangovers. They are real and also psychologically devastating.

The same cannot be said of exercise. Exercise is extremely rewarding. Not only do I enjoy exploring the world via walking or cycling, I am very satisfied when I complete my course. Maybe this is why weight loss guru’s say “drop the snacks and go on a walk instead.” The problem for me is, I never really stop thinking about food and wanting it, even when I’m exercising. Therefore even exercise is not truly satisfying, especially when a lot of it makes me hungrier!

Satisfaction is a real problem for me. In fact, I think it’s part of the human condition. All of us want something and for the lack of it, we suffer. The single person wants a mate. The unemployed person wants money. The Californian wants water. Most of the time we get what we want only to realize it doesn’t satisfy us the way we thought it would.

I had a conversation with my friend Janice today at work. She has lost over 200 pounds and by all accounts is a very happy person. Still, she said, “I always thought when I lost the weight it would solve all my problems. The trouble is, it only created new ones.” Oh, Sister! Don’t I know it? Losing weight is hard work but also very exciting work. The hope and expectation of fitting into that next smaller dress size is very motivating, but once it’s gone, maintaining the weight loss can be grueling. Even worse, once you lose the weight, your metabolism slows down so you eat less permanently.

Aside from the physical trouble of maintaining permanent weight loss comes the social and psychological problems. Relationships change because so much of our culture is food oriented. People mean well when they say, “You should treat yourself” because they don’t understand the addiction that made one heavy in the first place. Pressure from friends who are overweight increase due to jealousy and pressure from fit friends increase because they expect you to keep the weight off. It can feel like a no win situation. I have even feared for my career in the event I gain the weight back because people now expect me to stay in shape, as if I’m a robot and not a human being who still loves to eat. Therefore I am also trying to manage the expectations of others rather than focusing on who I am. In that respect, how could I ever possibly be satisfied if pleasing others becomes my main focus?

What’s the answer?

Sacrificial living is spiritually fulfilling.

It seems trite to say I never regret encouraging and motivating others. When I take time out of my busy life to listen to a good friend who is going through a difficult time, I am extremely satisfied. It makes me feel full in my soul, even if I can’t change their circumstances. I feel like it gives my life purpose. The same can be said for spending time with my children. Children are by nature very selfish creatures. They will ask and take and then say, “You don’t love me at all!” Still, there is nothing more rewarding than getting my socks beat off playing a game of Rummy. Their exultation at having beaten their mother is my reward and it brings me great joy. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but putting others needs before my own is, for some reason, very gratifying.

There’s a reason why it’s call the great outdoors.

When my emotional bank account is running low, I fill it up by exploring nature. This morning I found great satisfaction by walking around my neighborhood. I chose to ignore the litter strewn street and see instead the crescent moon and iridescent stars. I enjoyed the waggle of my dogs butt(go ahead and laugh, my Boxer has a great butt!) and the persistent way he insisted we chase squirrels. Unfortunately for Tank, we did not chase any squirrels, but(pun intended) we did get a compliment from a Ferguson Police officer(“That’s a cute dog you have there!”). We also found the secret hiding place(i.e. speed trap) for a Calverton Park officer. Hint: do not speed down Elizabeth Avenue in Calverton Park at any time of day. I also exchanged quite a few hoots with an owl. It was delightful calling out into the darkness and knowing I was heard, if only by a fluffy, big eyed bird. It seems simple to say getting outside is rewarding, but it works for me.

It’s like music to my ears!

I was having a particularly difficult day earlier this week and my friend Natalie sent me some music via Spotify from a group called “All Sons & Daughters.” She said, “They feed my soul.” Yep! Good tunes are a healing balm to the sore heart —oh, and yes, very satisfying!

Today I resolve that when I am feeling less than satisfied I shall pursue the three options listed above in no particular order. In fact, maybe I should have them tattooed on my forehead backwards so that when I look in the mirror it will be impossible to forget them. If I am to live out my life with purpose, I should never stop striving to improve it. If I improve myself, I will be more able to feed into the lives of others. Notice I do not say live my life the way others want me to. Don’t do that! But if life is precious—and I believe that it is—I must do everything in my power to deny the selfish impulse to spend my fleeting moments in the pursuit of self-gratification. Or in the words of a wise man… chasing after the wind.

“And whatever my eyes desired I did not keep from them. I kept my heart from no pleasure, for my heart found pleasure in all my toil, and this was my reward for all my toil. 11 Then I considered all that my hands had done and the toil I had expended in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after wind, and there was nothing to be gained under the sun.” –Ecclesiastes 2:10-11