That thing would be me. It is so much fun to be different. It catches people off guard. Like, when I’m walking down the hall and I see a casual acquaintance and I wave erratically to say hello instead of the standard, smile and nod greeting that is common in the workplace. People smile more when I do these things. Like when I get excited about my grapefruit and toss it in the air like a baseball and catch it as I “celebrate” back to my desk. I like to think people are happy that I seem to be enjoying myself. They are definitely not thinking, “There goes the lunatic again.”
Today is Friday the 13th. I know the calendar says November 1st but it lies. Because too much wild and wacky stuff happened today for it to be a normal day. Oh, and the moon is full too. You don’t need to look at the sky. You can take my word for it. Most of the day I felt much like a ping pong ball bouncing back and forth between two deranged orangutans. This is how I earn my paycheck, bobbing back and forth. Ask any executive assistant. That is how we roll. And I have every reason to be crabby about it. I could stamp and moan. I could grab a cigarette, make my face pruny and scowl. I could blather on about crossed wires and fake-outs, malfunctioning scanners and goats but nobody wants to hear about that anyway. And besides, kicking the goat isn’t going to make my job easier.
Today I am celebrating. Why, you ask? Well, I feel like I’ve been set free. I have this raging food addiction that drives me batty just about every day of my life. Like a 16 year old boy thinks about sex, I think about food. I’m not kidding. It’s that bad. One of the ways I got through the first month with no sugar was by fantasizing about eating chocolate chip cookies. That can’t be normal. But yesterday was Halloween and I didn’t crave candy at all. In fact, I gathered a giant bag of candy from work and brought it home to my husband and teenage son(that’s how I know about the sex thing) and watched them eat it while I snacked on pumpkin seeds and raisins. And I wasn’t unhappy. In fact, I was completely satisfied. So here is where I let you under the tent…. where I explain how this could be humanly possible.
I had an injection of alien DNA and I am now cured forever of my addiction. Okay, that’s not entirely true, though my mother might attest to the fact that I’ve always been a little “off.” I decided to cut sugar, diary and gluten from my diet. I am on day four and I feel like a million ducks. And I feel so good I don’t miss them. Really. And I hope like crazy I continue to feel this good. Because if it’s that easy to get rid of my depression, man, I am one lucky girl! And no cravings and constant thinking about when I get to eat again. Holy mother of jackpots! I’m a winner!
So if I’m strutting around the office waving my arms like a twitchy cricket, and serenading people who walk into my cube with “Hello Dolly,” well, who can blame me? People like positive energy. In fact, I have seen more genuine smiles today than I have all week. Bring on the crossed wires, malfunctioning scanners and belching goats. Besides, I’ve got some really great Groucho Marx impressions to polish up on.
*Disclaimer – no goats were harmed during the writing of this blog.
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