“And because lawlessness will be increased, the love of many will grow cold. But the one who endures to the end will be saved.” – Matthew 24:12-13
I have become entirely too comfortable with bitterness. Cynicism glistens on my brow. The slick excrete reeks of anger and malice; byproducts of rancid emotions that refuse to rinse off. But this is nothing compared to the contents of my heart. My heart, I fear, has grown cold.
And I can’t stand it anymore. The lies propagated by corrupt politicians via their mouthpiece–the insipid media–have turned my stomach sour. Worse, my friends have failed me and I have failed them too. And I’m one step away from the edge of the cliff and there’s no one to save me. I feel utterly alone.
I spent three hours exercising this morning–chasing endorphins that might make me feel better. I’ve been eating too much again; but the “comfort food” does nothing but give me a tummy ache. That’s not true either. I’ve gained 16 pounds. I am ashamed of myself, but eating is the only time I feel better.
I made a comment on my Facebook fitness group that “I’ve lost control. I’m a failure.” One of the ladies disagreed.
“Margaret, you haven’t lost control. None of us have any control over so many things right now (covid, weather, etc.). This is hard what we’re doing right now. It’s important that we see this time as a type of adversity, a hardship to be worked through and conquered versus any kind of personal failure. I’m working hard daily to give myself grace.”
She’s right, of course. Then I remembered, it’s how we respond to adversity that matters.
I have been responding to adversity with hopelessness. And to hopelessness I have added anger. And to anger, envy of those who have better life circumstances. And to envy, malice, and to malice, hate. That hatred has grown into a rabid vine that has choked out every happiness. In short, I closed the windows of my soul to joy and the darkness feels like death. And the thing is, I just really need is a good, sturdy machete!
“Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To him be the dominion forever and ever. Amen.” – 1 Peter 5:6-11
I feel pretty embarrassed writing all of this. After all, I’m supposed to be smarter than this. I really do read my bible every day and “pray without ceasing” but my adversary found the chink in my armor. My expectations of the repercussions of this fake pandemic did not match reality. I never anticipated so many people would be taken by the fake news media (myself included, early on). I didn’t expect to lose friendships over whether to mask or not, and–worst of all– to discover close family members hate me because of my faith in God. And since this seems to be our new reality–as in, it’s not going away–I have to find a permanent way to cope with it.
I have really appreciated Douglas Wilson’s blog. Thanks, Becky. And I have learned a lot from Dr. James White at Apologia Church. Thanks, Rick. I’ve started attending a new church, though I’m scared to trust church people again. But today I decided I am going to endure to the end. It takes courage to fight and I have decided I will be brave. I will brave the opinions of people who disagree with me. I will stand steadfast in my faith in Jesus Christ. I know I don’t have all the answers but I’m going to keep praying and trusting in the Lord.
With that in mind, I’m going to close with some verses I memorized several years ago in my struggle with food addiction. Maybe they will help the dear reader in their struggles? Or maybe no one is even reading my blog anymore. Either way, thank you God for the Apostle Peter. Where would I be without these words?
His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature, having escaped the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins. (2 Peter 1:3-9)
Leave a Reply