We were packing up school assignments, my 12-year-old and I. The teacher reviewed one particular assignment with a hopeful nod. “Ephraim, you need to write a three paragraph summary on one of your heroes that includes the ‘exceptional character traits’ that you want to adopt.”
I was flushed with the excitement of having rushed to the school to pick up my child. I was trying to remember all of the assignments. This one was not written down. I wished the teacher would give me something in writing so I didn’t forget. I am a hopeless case of “if I don’t write it down, I forget it.”
The teacher said, “It can be a comic book hero. A Marvel character or DC.”
I said, “We don’t watch those movies. We’re weird.”
The teacher rolled his eyes and said, “Fine. It can be about Jesus. Whatever.”
I didn’t take offense. I get it. I’m an anomaly. But there was a certain sense of irony in collecting my child (and his assignments) from school because he had just punched another student in the head nine times. Why did he hit him? Because the child hit him with a dodge ball. And the teacher suggesting my son write about Jesus was just icing on the cake.
I felt the mental slap across the face. He may as well have said, “All your Jesus crap doesn’t work. Your kid is a mess. Suspended again! What a bozo!”
It’s hard to not take it personally. I mean, my kid curses. He throws tantrums. He flat out refuses to do homework assignments (especially one that involves writing three paragraphs about a hero). And while I did my best to get him to do his school work for the next 2 days while we were stuck at home, it was more 10% completing work and 90% screaming and telling me what a butthole I am.
I have never felt more lonely in my life, nor more tempted to flip God the bird.
I called two trusted friends because I just wanted someone to comfort me. But no one knows what to say. Not a lot of people have experience with this kind of thing. We already met with the doctor, did more bloodwork and listened to him recommend a child psychologist (been there, done that). It’s just that, there is no “easy button” for my kid and the roller coaster ride of emotions is making me nauseous again.
So when I found the package in my carport with the book I pre-ordered months ago, “Where is God in all the Suffering” by Amy Orr-Ewing, I wept. Then I sat down to read and remember why I believe the way I do.
“Love seems to be at the absolute core of why suffering feels like it does. Suffering feels so wrong to us because of our love for another person who is in distress. We instinctively rage against injustice because we feel that people deserve love and dignity. And when I suffer, the question I am struggling with at the deepest level is this: Am I loved? And if I am truly loved, how could this be happening to me?” – Amy Orr-Ewing.
Amy helped me to understand my suffering–the pain of incredible loneliness I feel when my child is in distress–is deep because I am tempted to believe God has abandoned me. Deep down I wonder, “Does he still love me? If he loves me, why is he allowing this to happen? Why can’t my child be ‘normal’? Why did God make him so ineffably broken?”
I pray and I weep and I wait.
Then I get on my bicycle to ride out all my nervous energy. Because I’m having panic attacks again. And my thoughts are as dark as the tires on my car and spinning like I’m driving 80 on the highway.
I plug in an audio book by Derek Thomas called, “Strength for the Weary.” I pedal and weep. Because the book is written from the final chapters of Isaiah and recounts the promises of God. They comfort me. Thus I began to find my way out of this terrible place–this Land of Lonely.
“The essence of sin is to curve in on ourselves and fail to reflect the glory of God, the image given to us at creation. Like all of Adam’s progeny by nature, Israel was created to give praise to God, yet Israel flouted God’s law and failed to give him the glory due His name. What is shocking is that Isaiah is describing God’s covenant people. Despite all the privileges that grace affords, there was still abject failure and betrayal. It was a wonder that the Lord did not abandon them. He did not abandon them, but he did chastise them. It is vital that we appreciate the difference between abandonment and chastisement. There are consequences to behavior–especially Christian behavior. These consequences follow because we are Christians. ‘My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves and chastises every son whom he receives.’ Hebrews 12:5-6” – Derek Thomas
The truth is, I’m no better at following Jesus than the Israelites were at following the pillar of clouds in the wilderness. Like them, I complain. Like them, I’m sick of manna. Like them, I want a golden cow. Today, my “golden cow” is the notion of a well-behaved son. I worship that idea. I cling to it as if it could save me. And since I don’t have it, I’m frustrated and upset. Worse, the world wants me to have a well-behaved son too. So when I’m upset, they try to tell me how to get one. But when I read my bible I’m reminded just how deep the sin problem goes. He’s got it and so do I. We are rotten to the core and we need God to save us. Without the redeeming blood of Jesus, we would be lost forever.
I was standing in line at the bank yesterday behind a man with tattoos. His whole body was covered with them and they were horrible. His legs and arms were designed to look like demons peering out from tendons and trees. They were screeching and vomiting all manner of stuff. It was disturbing. But I was drawn to him. I started to pray for him and to hope for a way to speak to him. Then he turned and looked at me.
I said, “I was just admiring your artwork.” Which is what I normally say to heavily tattooed people–since I have a large tattoo on my back.
He said, “Thanks, but I haven’t gotten a new tattoo since 2012.”
I said, “Why not?”
He said, “Because of Christ. He saved me. I spent 12 years in the penitentiary and that is where I got all of these. Then one day I found a bible and started reading. I read about Paul in Acts 7 and how he did all of these terrible things and Jesus stopped him and redeemed him. I used to be a heroin addict. I have been clean for 3 years. When God saved me, he healed me from that addiction.”
Someone in line shouted, “AMEN!”
I shook his hand and we talked until the line moved forward. And I told him I hope he tells everybody about Jesus. And he said, “I do!”
That encounter was such an encouragement to me. He was not abandoned in the penitentiary and I am not abandoned in my circumstances.
Today, if you are feeling lost in the land of lonely, keep walking. God is with you. You may not feel that He is, but He is. His promises still hold true: if you belong to him, he will never leave or forsake you.
So while my child may not be writing a paper about Jesus, I’m writing one instead. Because He is my hero. Always and forever. He is the light that guides my path. And because of him, I am no longer lost, but FOUND!
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