Keep Your Fat Clothes

What kind of healthy advice is that? “Keep your fat clothes?” you say. “Margaret, have you lost your mind?”

I have noticed that people like to give advice. It makes them feel good for some reason. Maybe they feel like they’re a part of my success if they tell me what I should do with my life. One piece of advice people frequently give is, “Get rid of your fat clothes.” My chiropractor even said, “Don’t give them away, burn them. And then do a jig around the fire.”

Oh, it all sounds good in theory. You’ve lost a bunch of weight. You have these extra clothes hanging around that you can’t wear anymore and they are taking up space. Chuck em. Right? WRONG.

Here are 9 reasons why you should not throw away your fat clothes:

1) You might get pregnant.

2) You might get an abdominal tumor that mimics pregnancy.

3) You might contract hypertension(swelling).

4) Your dryer might break and shrink all your skinny clothes.

5) You might have a thyroid problem you are unaware of that may flare up.

6) You might want to dress up as a fat person for Halloween.

7) You might gain weight because you ate too much ice cream every night for a month and you don’t want to sit at work with pants that are too tight because that would be uncomfortable.

8) You might want to build a fat scarecrow to frighten greedy squirrels.

9) Sledding requires extra layers of clothing.

Now, I’m not going to tell you which of the above qualifies in my particular situation. All I’m going to say is, I’m glad I kept some fat clothes. So what if I hate squirrels and have a crafty spirit?

On the flip side, skinny clothes are inspirational. When I look at the powder blue Cinderella style dress I bought at the thrift shop for $1, it makes me want to eat less pasta. Because if I can lose those extra pounds, I will be able to wear it and pretend I am a princess. Because Princesses are skinny and therefore happy. And pretty, skinny people definitely do not have problems. They are perfectly content. Then never get sad, or fired, or stab people when they get angry.

But in all seriousness…life happens. Nobody is perfect. Losing weight did not make me immune to obesity. I also know that gaining a bit of weight is not the end of the world. I am not going to get a whip and start giving myself lashes.

So for those who want to shed those extra pounds…

1) Avoid the grocery store. Shopping is bad. Besides, if there’s no food in the house, you can’t eat it.

2) Put a clothespin on your nose when the people at work break out the crockpot. Hey, it works for cartoon characters.

3) Ingest a tapeworm.

Disclaimer: Yes I have gained a few pounds. No, I do not advocate eating a tapeworm. I do advocate eating lots of fresh fruits and vegetables and getting more exercise.

The really and truly wonderful thing about gaining weight is I am up to the challenge of taking it back off. Also, I already know it’s not impossible so I just have to eliminate the bad habits I’ve fallen into(damn you to hell, ice cream!). And while I’m not proud of myself for eating my sad away, I don’t think it’s productive to dwell on the past. Today is glorious. Today I get to eat fresh steamed green beans(as many as I want!) and salmon and fresh made salsa from a friend. I get to skip rope and climb extra flights of stairs. See? Life is good. Squirrels and all.