Lately I have noticed a great struggle in my life with someone I love and am committed to. The problem is this; I let my personal preferences interfere with the relationship by way of annoyance. Annoyance grows to rebellion. Rebellion grows to anger. Anger rages and produces regret. Regret eliminates my peace and leaves me feeling awfully lonely. Call me selfish—I totally am. But how does annoyance grow and explode so quickly? And how do I stop it? It’s like a mushroom I recently found in the woods. When you poke it, it shoots out black spores that cover everything in close proximity. I am that mushroom!
Annoyance → Rebellion → Anger → Regret = Loneliness
I have also been on the receiving end of this cycle. My friend has preferences that collide with mine. When I don’t perform as anticipated, BLAMO! When I am in the right frame of mind—not tired, and perfectly mentally tethered—I find it easier to comply. But I’ll be candid, I’m Margaret, and this almost never happens. Henceforth this relationship is producing a fair number of black spores in the form of frustration, anger and indignation. And if you know anything about mushrooms, they have a tendency to reproduce tenaciously.
Many years ago a good friend of mine asked me to lunch. At the time my ideal lunch was Taco Bell or an establishment that made French fries. French fries were fairly integral to my diet at the time so when she suggested a restaurant that did not involve tacos or fries, I tried to reason with her. I really wanted to go and visit with her but the food was a major hindrance. She tricked me into going by saying, “Oh, we’ll figure it out”. She then proceeded to drive me to The Bread Company(my very first experience with that restaurant). I was held hostage by hunger and forced to eat, gasp, a turkey sandwich. Looking back I realize her utter contempt for my size manifested in a desperate attempt to make me eat something “healthy.” It was a disaster. I never ate lunch with her again. Seriously folks, do not interfere with a fat girl and her fries.
If you are still reading my blog at this point you are probably bored. I’m sorry. I just really love this person and want to fix the problem we are having…this battle of the wills per se. I want a Band-Aid for our boo boo. But the last time I was at Wal-Mart, they didn’t have anti-annoyance pills. For that matter, maybe I should invent them. I’d make a fortune! I’d lobby the government to pass legislation requiring American citizens to take them, and then sit back and watch auto insurance companies cry because I’d eliminated road rage. Attorneys would cry because lawsuits would decline. But seriously folks, I don’t think anyone would take them. We are all so in love with our opinions and preferences that divorcing ourselves from them would probably wreak havoc on our current society. In case you hadn’t noticed, our sense of self-importance is very grand.
For instance, I was in a meeting at work recently. As most do, my company likes to set deadlines. That’s generally how businesses accomplish objectives. The people I work with are very busy—often to their detriment. My leader gave a deadline and one of our associates balked at it. His response, “I don’t know what to tell you. It is what it is.” Or, as Larry the Cable Guy would say, “Get ‘er done!” The bottom line argues with no man. Profit is the ultimate measure of success and—like it or not—success is usually the fruit of hard deadlines. I could tell the associate was annoyed. She looked like a pot of soup with steam hissing out from under the lid. A casual observer might ask whose personal preference takes precedence in this scenario? However, it is generally accepted that if one wants to keep ones job, they will do everything in their power to meet to the deadline.
Humility is painful. It looks so noble when the hero of the movie makes the victim’s needs more important than his own. I’ll never forget that picture of Tobey MacGuire as Spider Man, holding onto the train as it raced toward a broken section of tracks. He was straining and groaning—stretched to capacity—to the point that right as the train stopped, he collapsed in exhaustion. It had taken every ounce of strength afforded him to save those people. But even as I applauded his courage, I walked outside and let a friendship die because I wanted to eat French fries and my friend didn’t.
I’m annoyed when my children don’t eat all the dinner on their plate. I’m annoyed when my neighbors keep me awake by playing loud music. I’m annoyed when my dog gets sick in the house. But these are all minor inconveniences. One of the most beautiful things a human being can do is lay down his life for his friend. So why can’t I just boil the spaghetti noodles a little bit longer because my husband likes it when they turn to mush?
It is so challenging to set aside our feelings and put someone else’s needs before our own. Yet I would propose that what appears at first glance to be a weakness is actually a great strength. Some might even call it heroic.
Real hero’s come in all shapes and sizes. Be it the dog who dives into icy waters to rescue her master or the man who left his job and drove to New York City to participate in a 9/11 rescue effort. What if I told you that every day we have the opportunity to be a hero to someone close to us? I realize it’s easy to be annoyed. It’s easy to get carried away and destroy relationships. But it’s painful too. And lonely. Justifiable anger can feel really great in the moment, but it can cast a long shadow not only on those we profess to love, but also on our own heart. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we were able to set aside our personal preferences and put someone else’s needs and wants before our own? How would it change the relationships we have with people close to us? How would it change us?
Humilty → Selflessness → Grace = Love!
No one ever said loving others is easy. Obviously I have a rich history of “epic failure” in this respect. But today I resolve to practice this discipline. Yes, it’s probably going to sting a bit at first. I might even have to sit in silence while I watch my friends eat Pizza Hut, rather than lecture them on sugar, calories and fat content. Oh the horror! But when it comes to disciplines, I propose nothing is more beautiful or heroic than a humble heart.
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