“Christianity is not merely a set of ideas and practices and feelings designed for our psychological well-being–whether designed by God or man. That’s not what Christianity is. Christianity begins with the conviction that God is an objective reality outside ourselves.” John Piper
I grabbed a handful of candy and sat down. I consumed piece after piece; savoring each sugary crumb. I melted into that oblivion that only corn syrup and preservatives can produce in the brain of a sugar addict. The opiate was not complete however until I had eaten every single piece and made three trips for more. No, this was not last month or last year. It was last week.
I sat down with a friend a few days ago for coffee. He had asked to meet with me to discuss my weight loss journey. He peppered me with questions. “What motivated you to lose weight? What was the catalyst? How do you stick with it?” He didn’t know me before I lost all the weight, but met me at work when I was about three months into my journey. He was even more curious about who I am today and how I manage to maintain my dramatic weight loss. Then, he asked me the most curious question of all. “Margaret, have you ever thought about monetizing what you do?” As in, shouldn’t I try to capitalize on my success?
So many people in this world want to reduce their girth. They will plop down money for self-help books, weight loss pills, and diet plans that include creepy hormones “designed to reset the metabolism”. They are looking for an answer, but not necessarily the answer. My friend thought I should start selling my answer. After all, why not make a living doing what has worked for me. I honestly don’t believe this is a wrong question. Obviously, Bob Vila used his skills and abilities to make This Old House a tremendous success. And why not make money doing what you love?
Me in July of 2010 about 2 months into my journey, having lost about 40 pounds
The moment I realized something needed to change in my life is deeply personal. I have shared it in this venue and others, but no one could possibly understand unless they have walked in morbidly obese shoes. I felt completely helpless over my obsession with eating. I had lost weight and gained weight more times than I could count and yet I found myself at 310 pounds. Yes, there was a catalyst; a co-worker made me feel subhuman because of the shape of my body. She was tactless and rude, but probably not so maniacal as I thought at the time. The good news is, she prompted me to ask hard questions about the way I was living.
There are key moments in my memory that stick out. The first was a desperate prayer to God. It was deep and guttural and therefore difficult to put into words. But it was something along the lines of, “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I stop eating? What is the answer? Will you help me?” He whispered to me in that way that is utterly mystical and mysterious. “Margaret, you need to learn discipline.”
At the time, this was a reasonable answer but not one I particularly liked. Still, I was desperate enough to listen and to begin to take steps to change my life. But there was no magic wand, no magic pill, no magic anything. I went on that first walk around the block with my young boys and wept because of the strain of walking uphill. Gravity is not friendly to people who are overweight. It was painful–pathetic even–and it broke my heart.
“The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
Worse than exercising–an activity I loathed beyond measure–was changing the foods I ate. I gave up fast food, soda and candy on the same day. I began to drink water, which was totally gross. I reasoned that instead of putting food into my mouth, I would drink water instead. I had read that the body needs lots of water and therefore one should drink a lot of it. It was a desperate weight loss tactic, but one that was key to stopping my compulsive eating. I would drink instead of eat. The water was helpful in that it kept dehydration (from crying!) at bay.
Prepare to suffer
When I set out to learn discipline, it felt very much like medieval torture. No White Castle. No Taco Bell. No Nestle Treasures. I wasn’t just physically addicted to eating, I was psychologically addicted. If anything, food was my coping mechanism and obviously, it wasn’t working. The turning point for me was choosing to ask God to teach me to put food in its proper place; a means for the body to refuel and not a worship experience. We “worship” what we “love” and I loved food. I had to unlearn that behavior. In the process I came to know the profound strength God provides to people who place their trust in Him.
How does one monetize that? And if they could, wouldn’t that seem rather self-serving?
I was given a gift. The gift was God himself. To be candid, I knew him before I lost weight but I had not put him in his proper place, as Lord of my life.
We can’t see God, but He is there. We can’t touch God, but we can feel His love. We can’t smell God, but the aroma of His compassion can fill our senses. How is this possible? Through Jesus the Christ of course.
Now I just lost a bunch of people because I got really weird. After all, isn’t God just some mystical hokum reserved for stupid people who need an emotional crutch to get them through hard times? Isn’t the idea of God for people who are well, you know, a little “slow”? Well, one could never accuse me of being overly intelligent. After all, I kept rabbits as pets for years–in the house–where they would poop on the floor. What kind of person does that? (actually, there are a lot of people who do that–and thank you Missouri House Rabbit Society!) I write all of that to illustrate that just because we don’t understand something, this does not mean it is not true or real or very, very important.
When I say that God helped me lose weight, I don’t mean that he pushed the mystical button and said, “Thou hast now lost weight!” No. That is weird. But He did call me into closer relationship with himself. He showed me his love by walking with me through the streets of Ferguson, Missouri on the hottest and coldest days of the year and by speaking his kindness to my heart through his word (I downloaded my Bible onto my phone). He sent people to listen when I was truly suffering life without my treasured companions; cookies, ice cream and candy. And He gave me fresh eyes to see the reality of my situation; namely, that food would never be a faithful companion. He taught me that my life has value–heavy or thin. He told me he loved me too much to leave me as I was and encouraged me to press forward into who He wanted me to be. He helped me to know and understand my purpose in this life.
We can do a lot of things by human resolve (a topic I have written about extensively). We can even lose weight or break the chains of addiction if we have never known God. What I tried to articulate to my friend over coffee was that my journey to learn discipline has really been more about learning who God created me to be; someone who gives hope to people who don’t have any. Someone who shines light into dark places. God set me free from the chains of food addiction in order to do these things. Does this mean I don’t still fall into the bad habit of worshipping food? No it does not. That is because I am a sinner who lives in a broken world. I am still living by God’s good grace. I am still daily asking for help to put food in its proper place.
I am very intentional with this blog. I personally absorb the cost of this website. I do this because I genuinely want to help people who have lost hope in this dark world. You will find no commercials here. I have been asked by many people and even several companies to try products and then “promote” them on this website. It’s not going to happen. My only goal in sharing my struggles is to point people to Christ as the only source of real hope in this world.
Me in September of 2018
I could easily promote my identity as based off my accomplishments. “Look at the woman who lost 140 pounds! Isn’t she great?” But that too is a fallacy. I didn’t do it by myself. God was my help. Instead, I would rather give credit to the One who made it possible. But I think the Apostle Paul says it better than I can in his letter to the Christians in Galatia.
“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20
There have been no shortage of people over the years who made me feel like my life was valueless. God reminded me who I am in Christ; completely valuable. If you are reading this, you are too. Whatever your addiction is, God invites you to surrender your will to him, to let go of your coping mechanisms, and to cling to Him instead. He is real and He loves you.
What a blessing this was to read tonight!