From Root to Fruit: The Pursuit of Beauty

What does it mean to be beautiful? What is true beauty? The culture I live in pummels me with all of these images and I have to sort out for myself what it all means and how I fit into the collage. If it’s a matter of personal preference, I prefer to be thin. But others prefer the opposite. Who decides who is right? In one era, a little bit of fat on a woman is beautiful. In another, the curve of the pelvic bone stretched against taut skin makes the cover of a magazine. And if beauty is in the eye of the beholder, as the old adage goes, why is there so much pressure to conform to the “proper” perspective?

Yesterday I read a fascinating article on a celebrity of bygone years; Sophie Tucker. The headline on the BBC website caught my eye, “Everybody Loves a Fat Girl“. Sophie was a jazz singer and celebrity in the early 1900’s who was as famous for her curves as she was for her bawdy humor and outlandish behavior. She counted gangsters and presidents as friends. She was the epitome of fame—people loved her! But underneath all of that fluff was a woman who abandoned her husband and little boy in pursuit of that success. And while the article doesn’t highlight that decision so much as it glorifies her success, it is that decision that most defined her character for me. So I asked myself the question, was Sophie Tucker beautiful?

I also read an article about Gwen Hartley, the brave mother of two little girls born with microcephaly(a serious birth defect that causes babies to have extremely small heads and brains). Gwen writes a blog over at The Hartley Hooligans that details her journey. One quote in the article captured my attention. “They called it a ‘terrible’ birth defect,” Hartley said. “I don’t look at them as having terrible birth defects. I look at them as gorgeous. To me that is not a horrible, hideous birth defect. It’s no less beautiful to me.” Gwen Hartley had to let go of people’s perceptions and live her life of caring for two severely disabled children. That takes perseverance and grace in spades. I don’t know if I could do it. Again I asked myself the question, is Gwen Hartley beautiful? More importantly, how do I define beauty?

This morning I was on my elliptical machine chasing down the excess calories I consumed yesterday. I’ll be candid, so much of my journey to lose weight has focused on the beautification of my body. In order to obtain a more slender, and therefore more culturally acceptable body type, I have bent myself into pretzels trying to conquer my food lust. I have been praised for my efforts and success. And I’ll be honest, praise is exciting, but it is also addictive and terribly treacherous. Because if I begin to see my success as having been born of my own strength, I begin to make myself my own savior. And if I view myself as capable of saving myself, I believe a lie. The root of this lie is pride and it gives fruit to vanity, arrogance, and narcissism. And if you think I am better than those behaviors, think again.

When I look closely at my heart, and see the darkness at its core, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am not capable of saving myself. All of my motives are twisted—my yearnings corrupt. How then do I proceed in a world when I can’t control myself, much less the dark and twisted lives of others? I am not safe from them. They are not safe from me. For we all go about with swords on our tongues, with bitterness on our breath, and hearts aflame with agonies for which no cure can be had by our own hand.

Taking all of this into consideration, why would I pursue physical beauty at all? It seems meaningless. And it is. Having the perfect body is utterly meaningless. How did I come to this conclusion? Read on.

When I think about why I began this journey in the first place—the journey to learn discipline—it was out of the brokenness I felt in my heart. And it’s interesting to me now how I viewed myself at 310 pounds as worthless(a lie) and pathetic(a lie) and hopeless(a lie). At that time I contrasted those feelings against what my faith was teaching me through God’s word—that I was more than a conqueror, that I was so precious and valuable that Jesus died for my sin(gluttony among other things), and that hope(in Him) would never disappoint me. And while my underlying desire was for physical beauty, I fully understood that I could never conquer my food lust without God’s help. And God, in the richness of his glory, bore my pursuit with great patience, and has been gently leading me on the path to know Him better. And I have come to the conclusion that his love really does conquer the worst in me. And as I seek Jesus out of sheer desperation under the realization of my own helplessness, I find the most beautiful truth ever known to mankind. Amazingly, it has nothing to do with physical beauty at all. In fact, it is really very simple. To accept and know the love of the one who created me.

There are times when my attempts at discipline end in misery. I abstain from my food lust for a certain period of time and then I fall—face to the ground, nose bleeding, neck twisted and bent, while I scrape the gravel from my chin. I am still learning to discern the issues in my heart that drive aberrant behaviors. So as I read about people like Sophie Tucker and Gwen Hartley, I have to ask myself; which life do I want to model? Do I seek glory and fame for myself at the expense of others, or do I lay down my life to seek and serve others? The answer seems obvious, but in truth, it is a very difficult path. Jesus modeled it perfectly. As for me? I’ve got a long way to go.

On February 9, 2016   /   The Journey   /   1 Comment