From Root to Fruit: Facing my Food Addiction One Apple at a Time

Have you ever considered someone’s appearance and made a snap judgment? Did you condemn or exonerate them based on their mannerisms or level of intelligence? Did their professional or personal experience factor into the determination you made? How did you respond to your determination over time as you interacted with that person? How did you know you were right or wrong about that first impression?

Human behavior fascinates me. Maybe it is because humans I know have so deeply loved and wounded me—sometimes simultaneously. This is not an indictment against any one person more than myself. That is because this morning as I was standing at the kitchen sink making my lunch, I told my husband, “I can’t stand you. You suck!” Because I am perfectly kind, always loving, and never lose my temper. I said this to him because of an argument from the night before, and because his abhorrent behavior of the morning—namely—he was in my way. Yes I am a jerk. I use this as an example only to illustrate how complex relationships can be. And if the relationship one has with a spouse is complicated, consider how much more so the relationship we have with ourselves.

If you read my bio on this blog you will note that I began my journey to better health in 2010. But I’ll be candid with you, I feel like I’m really only a few steps in. Sure, I’ve lost some weight and made major lifestyle adjustments. I exercise. I wear smaller clothes. So that means I’ve got it all together, right? Ha. I’m sorry. That’s me laughing at myself because if you could take a peek inside my brain (Being John Malcovich style) all of those assumptions would shatter in seconds.

I am daily living with a fragile body that likes to cave to my every whim. Sometimes that whim is snatching candy from my co-workers, and other times it is binge eating behind closed doors. Sometimes my whims lead to self-destructive behaviors like over-exercising to make up for excess calories consumed(exercise bulimia) and more often than not, I tend to trample over the people I love most dearly because of these behaviors and the ensuing emotional whirlwinds they stir up. So when I say that human behavior fascinates me I mean to say that I am completely confounded by myself most of the time and the personal juxtaposition I exemplify. It is why I am on the journey to learn discipline and why I keep searching for the means to cure my food addiction and stop my compulsive behaviors. So when you read this page and look at my picture…when you make that snap judgment about how successful I am and how I’ve conquered my demons, think again. There is more to me than meets the eye.

Sometimes I feel so strong. With my muscles tensed, I jog and jab and sing a song from years gone by, “Momma Said Knock You Out” by LL Cool J. Such was the case this morning(before the said incident with my husband). I don’t know why this song comes to mind as I’m pumping my fists mid run, but it probably has something to do with a certain fellow I worked with at Rax Restaurants when I was 16 years old. He was a semi-god in the workplace. He operated the slicer(slicing all of the meat for the sandwiches) and I was the lowly salad bar girl. For some reason The Slicer held mythical status with me because one had to be 18 years old to hold that position and I was 2 years shy of that. When cleaning and closing up shop late at night, he used to dance slide around the red brick tile—as I scrubbed it—and sing that song. He would pop his fists in the air and shout, “I’m gonna knock you out! Momma said knock you out!” And for some reason, that song has stuck with me ever since. Which is funny because I remember his face but for the life of me I can’t remember his name. So how is it that one minute I’m jogging and jabbing and the next minute I’m eating a handful of Snickers bars? Like, really. What’s up with that? I oscillate between strength and weakness–sometimes between breaths.

For some time now I’ve been reading a book by John Owen titled, “Overcoming Sin and Temptation.” I am reading expressly to confront my demons with food addiction(sin). I want to determine WHY I behave the way I do so I can nip the undesired behaviors in the bud. For some reason “just say no” doesn’t always work for me. There’s this little thing called hunger that pops up from time to time and then there is the intense desire for comfort via consumption of sweet treats. But those basic human needs are not what make my issues with food sinful. It’s how I respond to those desires that makes them wrong. I am on the journey to confront the real reasons I behave the way I do and facing those issues is very, very scary.

Romans 7:15-20 “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.”

As I said before, human behavior fascinates me. Obviously I’m not the first person to deal with such a dilemma, and quite frankly, it’s very encouraging to know that the Apostle Paul struggled with sin too.

So today when I came across a passage in John Owen’s book that poked me in the eye, I sat up and paid attention.

“A man may beat down the bitter fruit from an evil tree until he is weary; while the root abides in strength and vigor, the beating down of the present fruit will not hinder it from bringing forth more. This is the folly of some men; they set themselves with all earnestness and diligence against the appearing eruption of lust, but leaving the principle and root untouched, perhaps unsearched out, they make but little or no progress in this work of mortification.”

So if the fruit of my tree is overeating/food lust, what is the root and how do I destroy it once and for all? This is the question that today is vexing me. I have a handful of answers and some hard work to do, but it occurs to me that it would be much easier to settle in with a bowl of cookie dough and pretend they don’t exist. Which reminds me of a book I read a few years ago, “American Junkie” by Tom Hansen. His story of addiction will forever haunt me. I encourage everyone to read his book if for no other reason to understand how much courage it takes to face addiction. But the crux of what I gathered from his story was this, he spent many years running away from his problems. He used heroin to numb his pain, much of which was not his fault, some of which was. And one day, he chose life over drugs and in so doing, started facing the problems he had been running away from all his life.

Today I realized that my addiction to food is not the root of my problem; it is only the fruit. I use sweets as a numbing mechanism to escape the real issues like pride and vanity(and a whole host of other issues I won’t name here because I don’t want you to fall asleep). And God is gracious to me for not allowing me to get away with that behavior. Some people can hide behind fast metabolisms and will never face their root problem. But my jeans(pun intended) don’t allow that.

I used to rationalize my excess girth. After all, lots of people can eat candy and fast food and maintain a healthy waistline. But the truth was, I wasn’t brave enough to face my problems. I faced some of them in losing the weights(140 pounds) but obviously I have more to face. And I have to be honest here, it really feels unfair, but I know it is absolutely necessary. God means to use it for my good. When I look at what He has freed me from, I know that facing and killing my root sin is entirely possibly and can only bring abundant joy.

Galations 2:19-20 “For through the law I died to the law, so that I might live to God. I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”