Today was a beautiful day for many reasons, one of which was not the title of this particular blog post. The sun was shining–always a good thing after many days of storms. It was Wednesday–which means I survived Monday. And, I took a spectacularly cool(read awesome) walk with my good buddy, Tank, to start the day. All things considered, I had many reasons to celebrate (not the least of which was renewed internet service after a prolonged outtage). Happy Wednesday indeed.
So when I saw the news via inter-office email that my company planned to reward hard working associates with FREE ICE CREAM I shuddered. Because really, who can say no to free treats? And ice cream? Good Lord! If you read this blog regularly you will know it is one of my fundamental weaknesses.
This is the point of the blog where ominous music (think Jaws) begins to play as the dark water starts to churn. Because when the words “free” and “ice cream” are used in the same sentence, I am like Superman in the company of kryptonite. I go all wobbly at the knees and the deeply ingrained rationalizations of why I should eat it begin to play in my head.
Maybe you are reading this and have never struggled with food addiction. If not, that’s okay, but at the very least you are probably human and have at some point experienced temptation. Temptation by itself is not a bad thing, and, if we are strong enough to resist it, can make us better human beings. At least that has been my experience. But walking through the valley of the shadow of temptation can be stressful, frustrating and, well, a big old bummer.
Once upon a time I would have begun to make plans to eat as much ice cream as possible when no one was looking. Because when you are noticeably heavy and insecure about your weight, eating in front of thinner people is a real problem. And I will also admit that since I’ve lost the weight it has become even more of an issue to let people see me eat things considered high in calories because for some odd reason, people like to comment on everything I put into my mouth.
For instance, a few months ago I was buying cookies in line at the cafe’ and a “friend” of mine was ringing out at the same time. Most everybody at work has seen my personal transformation, which, I guess, gives them permission to comment on what I eat. She takes one look at my cookies and says, “Tsk, tsk, tsk, Margaret! You shouldn’t eat those. Those are high in calories.” To which I smiled and said nothing in response because it was safer than poking her in the eye. I like my job. I want to keep my job. But that did not stop me from thinking terrible, judgmental thoughts about her(because she was not a thin person). God forgive me.
But back to the ice cream. The Ted Drewes arrived around 1:30pm and everybody flocked to it like bees to honey. Okay. That’s a bad analogy. Bees make honey. Whatever. You know what I mean. And I was right there with them. But I immediately put my ice cream in the refrigerator because that’s my habit now. I won’t eat it in front of anybody(for the most part). I’ll save it for later. Or, better yet, I’ll save it for my husband. Who lays flooring for a living and is perpetually hungry. And skinny(although he prefers the term “wiry).
At the beginning of my journey I would have agonized over that ice cream. I might have obsessed over how many hours of cardio I needed to do to work it off. Or I might have just gobbled it all down and cried later. Because food addiction is a brain thing and my brain was once twisted like pretzels around unhealthy eating habits. I never imagined I would break free of that cycle, but over time I have developed healthy habits that are far more satisfying both physically and emotionally. So when I consider eating the ice cream, I know full well the psychological turmoil it will wreak on my mind and the physical exercise that must accompany it in order for me not to regain weight. And well, the thing is, it’s just not worth it.
Today if you are reading this and thinking you will never make it past week one of your lifestyle change much less week 101, don’t lose heart! Every time you make a healthy choice, you are building something wonderful; a new you. Eventually you will get to a place where making a healthy choice is your first instinct. In fact, you may even lose your cravings for unhealthy things like french fries(which used to be a staple in my diet and now I don’t eat at all or even miss). I never imagined I would live life without Pizza Hut and now it pains me to eat it. Seriously. I know. I am so weird, right?
So as much as I do love ice cream, I just don’t eat much ice cream anymore. And to be honest, I don’t miss it. I make my own at home(sugar free) or I get frozen yogurt from Menchies every so often(because it’s awesome and they have great sugar free options). And you know what’s really cool? I’m happy. And I wasn’t even sad today that I couldn’t eat ice cream. I just brought it home and gave it to my husband, who squealed with delight and did a jiggly dance. Okay, not really, but he did grunt and nod, and that’s pretty much the same thing.
I once heard my favorite orator talk about pleasures. He said something along the lines of all pleasure having a cost. For illicit pleasures, one pays for it AFTER they have partaken in it. For pure pleasures, they pay BEFORE they partake in it. That really resonated with me(Thanks Ravi Zacharias–“The Problem of Pleasure”) So in essence, there is no “free” anything. For me, ice cream is generally an illicit pleasure because it really scrambles my brain. And so I stay away from it. I used to see “free ice cream” and run to it because I thought it would somehow waste if I didn’t eat it and I just couldn’t resist that temptation. But now I know that eating it “wastes” me. It is not, in fact, FREE at all. There is a very high cost for that “free” ice cream. It’s certainly not guilt free, and that’s the only thing that really matters, in my humble opinion. Because one thing I have learned over the past 6 years of walking this path is that I am NEVER going back to a 310 pound body. Never. And the joy I get from exercising and eating right far outweigh 5 minutes of sweetness on my tongue.
For those of you struggling, don’t give up. For those of you who ate ice cream today, don’t eat it tomorrow. Keep striving. Continue to persist in making choices that edify your body. Because you are worth it. You are worth more than being trapped in a body that brings you misery and pain. I know because I have lived it. I haven’t fully “arrived”. Please don’t read this as arrogance. But I do continue to try. Every day is a new opportunity to make right choices. And that gives me the greatest pleasure of all!
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