Fighting The Fear Monster

My youngest son began first grade today and he was scared. We met his teacher Monday night and did everything we could to prepare him for this moment, but the fear lingered like a big, hairy monster. It sunk its claws into his shoulders and sulked there, whispering worries he was too young to defend himself against. I sent him off full of hugs and kisses, pampered with homemade lunch, and prayed over. Then I Iet my baby walk into the unknown. Alone.

A co-worker and I talked about the mystery of children and fear yesterday. Her daughter is not afraid of school at all. She has no need for her mother to drop her off or walk her to class. My friend said she told her daughter, “What about my fears for you?” And there it is. Fear is so deeply personal. We can build up walls against it, but it seeps beneath them. We can devise strategies to cope with it, but it lingers in the air like spores in a moldy basement.

I remember my first day of first grade. I remember the terror that crawled over my skin as I met new classmates. They seemed so happy to be there but I longed to run home. I remember the moment my mother separated herself from me and departed, somewhat annoyed by my pleas not to leave me. I clung to my desk and tried to cope with my overall malaise, even as my classmates invited me to join in the fun. I didn’t know how to accept their overtures so instead I grunted and folded my arms and scowled. This behavior lasted for several days before everyone, the teacher included, was fed up with my attitude. How I wish someone would have understood my fear and broken down my walls. I was terrified! But the truth is, so often we embrace our fear and close ourselves off to those who wish to help us.

Understanding and facing our fears is important. I considered this as I worked out this morning. (I do my best thinking while exercising) There is a task I must do today that leaves me shaking in my boots. I began to ask myself, why does this thing scare me so much? As I processed the reasons I am afraid, I began to see that so much of what I fear are mirages I have built up in my own mind. They stem from simple worries that have mutated into full blown anxiety. In this case, my worries are fairly simple: I care what people think about me and worry something I say won’t meet their expectations. I worry this will damage relationships. I worry people won’t like me. I worry I will be rejected.

Worry devours our peace of mind. So just cut it out already! This clear cut approach, however, reminds me of something someone close to me said recently, “Why don’t fat people just stop eating?” I bit my tongue but I wanted to say, “Why don’t you just stop breathing?” Such a question not only belittles the fundamental issue of obesity, but dehumanizes the person behind the padded exterior. Much the same, it is so easy to say “Stop worrying” when our hearts are hurting. Worry, fear, and pain are intricately linked. To me it seems like saying, “I know a landmine just blew off your arm, but just quit crying about it.” People pass by our pain without trying to bandage our wounds. Instead, they blow off the other arm.

Kill worry with truth. Our worries are often fueled by past experiences with pain. My fear for my children in school is rooted in reality. I was teased and ridiculed in school as a child. I worry my children will be teased and ridiculed. As an adult I have recurring nightmares that I am back in high school and being forced to repeat my senior year. I always wake in a cold sweat with chattering teeth. Oh the horror! So when my little ones depart into that great unknown, I totally freak out. This morning this manifested in me saying an elaborate prayer over my middle school child before his departure. He was very nonchalant about his first day. I was worrying over him not knowing where his locker was(another recurring nightmare). I worried he wouldn’t find his classes. (“Mom, I’ll just ask a teacher.”) In this instance, my son reiterated to me that he was going to be just fine and thought I was rather silly. The truth is my worries did nothing to help him. Speaking truth to our worries helps conquer our fears.

I may lose some readers here, and that’s okay. I understand. Feel free to skip this paragraph if it doesn’t sit well with your world view. But my biggest truth is Jesus Christ. He speaks truth to all of my fears and powerfully vanquishes them. When I am most afraid, I cling to Him. One of my biggest comforts is something he said to me many years ago, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” He spoke this to me as I sat on a courthouse bench and waited for a judge to hear my case. I can’t explain the supernatural peace He gave me or the divine appointment I had that day with another woman in my exact same situation. I only know that He was there. I had prayed that He would be and He answered that prayer. Personal experience tells me that He is faithful to keep his promises and I cling to that truth.

I continue to wrestle with the fear monster. This world is full of pain and problems of every imaginable sort. As a mother, I will always fear for my children because the possibility that I will lose them looms heavy in my mind. My oldest son has made a very important decision to join the Marines. This affects not only my identity, but the identity of my family. It opens a door to a world of worries I never thought possible. My confidence in facing those fears is that my advocate goes before me. I know that He will equip me to face even the worst thing my mind can conjure up. I am also comforted by friends who have faced those monsters and emerged victorious. Their testimony to the fortitude of the human spirit and God’s grace is potent. Which leads me to my final point…

Community is Integral to conquering fear. Who we surround ourselves with speaks volumes to our character. Do we choose to be around people who feed our fears and worries, or do we reach out to strong and courageous people who will tell us the truth and bind up our pain?

Several years ago I called to make an appointment to visit my chiropractor, Dr. John Smith(of Smith Chiropractic). He always fits me in regardless of how busy he is and I am grateful because I am constantly hurting myself and he is faithful to put me back together. On this occasion, he was not available. His staff said he was out of the office on a personal matter. I made an appointment for when he returned and while there asked him if everything was okay. He told me the following story. A good friend of his was walking through the pain of watching his wife slowly die from cancer. They were true soul mates, still in love after many years together, and crazy about each other. As she reached the end of her journey on earth, Dr. Smith’s friend was despondent. He needed people to hold him through that fear and sadness. Dr. Smith cancelled all his appointments and put his practice on hold so that he could spend time with his friend. Together they walked through the valley of the shadow of death. Dr. Smith’s behavior spoke directly to me about his character. He did this at great personal cost by putting his money where his mouth was.

Real friends bind up our pain, worries and fear. They speak truth into our lives when we most struggle to hear it. If pain is God’s megaphone, as C. S. Lewis so eloquently put it, friends are the balm He provides to soothe our wounds.

Today I’m socking it to my Fear Monster. He’s a pretty big fella but I think I’ve got the right ammo. More importantly, even if he bests me today, I will be fighting him again tomorrow. After all, I think that’s all we can really do in this life….keep fighting, keep failing, and keep trying again.