Crushing Crippling Insecurity

I rolled out the yoga mat with a sickening thwap. I had not slept well and my brain roiled with unwelcome thoughts.

“Why bother? It’s not like the crunches are actually doing anything. You will never get rid of that wobbly belly. And lifting weights with your ‘thunder thighs’ is pointless. The only obvious result is they are scaring the dog.”

I ignored the thoughts. I turned on my favorite preacher, John Piper, and learned how to know the will of God while I forced my muscles to move. I know that strength training pushes the bad chemicals that cause depression out of the tissue and into my blood stream where my liver can filter them out (along with a lot of water, of course). It is my favorite exercise for curing depression. Except today, the exercises didn’t help at all.

I drove into work with a whole host of prayers on my lips–namely, Psalm 25. Verse 10 says, “All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies.” Except the paths today seemed pretty rocky. I arrived to a confusing software upgrade, a big stack of tasks to stumble through, and the feeling that I wasn’t actually good enough to do the work.

The thoughts grew worse from there. “Who even hired you anyway? If they find out what a crappy worker you are, they are going to fire you. You’re not smart enough. You’re lazy. Nobody here likes you. You should just quit and let them find someone qualified to do your job.”

I cancelled several meetings so I could focus on the work that had to get done today. But in a moment of despair, I went into the bathroom, sat in a stall, and cried.

Have you ever felt this way? Have you ever wondered how to keep doing life when life feels so unmanageable? Have the dark thoughts–like dark clouds–grown into giant storms of emotion that made it seem impossible to move forward?

I always worry when I write these kinds of blogs that people will think I’m loony (which isn’t far from the truth) or a big old baby. But I write them because I’m hopeful that other people who experience the same things will find hope and light in the midst of their darkness. Because, dear reader, even when we feel terrible, we really do have hope!

I don’t take medicine for depression. I have tried various drugs but they only made the symptoms worse. Therefore, I have a litany of natural remedies I rely on to help me walk through these dark nights of the soul.

Remedy #1: Music

Today my heart cried out with Bebo Norman, “I have nothing without you.” This song gives voice to my frail and feeble attempts to lift my hands and offer the sacrifice of praise. I know that no matter how bad I feel, God is still God. He loves me. He is listening to my cries of anguish, and He will never forsake me. The truth is, feelings are fleeting. I cannot be ruled by them, so the best thing to do is grieve and then move forward in faith.

Remedy #2: Praying Friends

I don’t always feel safe reaching out to people when I’m having a bad brain/body day, but I have learned the discipline of calling at least one friend to ask them to pray for me. I have found the prayers of Jesus followers to be powerful and effective. Many people think that prayers and “good vibes” are just thoughts thrown into the wind like well-wishes. I would disagree. God is a real being that is alive and ruling in Heaven. He listens to the prayers of His people and intervenes on their behalf. I have often experienced the peace of God in these circumstances. Sometimes the depression lifts right away. Other times it takes hours or days. But I can always tell when people are praying. As a result, this has made me more prayer-ful. Now, when a friend has a need, I pray for them–whether they want me to or not. God works through the prayers of His people. When Elijah prayed on the mountain for God to pour fire on the altar and burn up the sacrifice that had been doused with water, God did it. And He is still answering prayers today.

Remedy #3: Faith, Hope and Love

As I drove home from work, I considered the chores, my cranky husband, belligerent children, and the real thunder clouds gathering in the west that were impeding traffic. The tears started again. By this time the thoughts were like a broken record that I was really sick of listening to. So I turned them off….with faith, hope and love.

I prayed for myself like I pray for a friend. I reminded myself who I am in Christ. I was bought with the blood of Jesus, who paid the penalty for my sin with his very own blood. I belong to him. I am an heir, a daughter, a beloved child of the King. I just need to have faith that He is coming. If I believe that he has forsaken me or that I am all the terrible thoughts that are running through my head, I am disobedient. 1 Peter 1:6-9 says, “In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith–more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire–may found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” Jesus is the one true desire of my heart. I know that one day I will be with him and he will wrap his tender arms around me and welcome me home. This is my hope! Without it, I truly am nothing.

Somewhere on the drive home, in the middle of singing an old Amy Grant song I can’t remember all the words to (Sing Your Praise to the Lord!), the thoughts absolved. The crippling insecurity was crushed. As Corrie Ten Boom would say, “Jesus was victor”.

Today, if you are fighting battles no one else knows about, I hope these three strategies will help. I have often been tempted to despair, but I am learning how to find the way out that God always provides to His people who call on His name.

“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13