Compulsion and the Inescapable Desire to Eat Continually

I am currently in San Diego enjoying sunshine, warmer weather and fellowship with a dear friend. I have been here three days and already the time has proved refreshing and precious. Every moment is a blessing and I cannot begin to think about leaving. Today was rich in that I met my friend’s, friend. Stephanie is a beautiful woman who encouraged me by telling me I am a strong person. I don’t always feel strong and I explained why. She told me that maybe it would help others if I shared my struggles. I will attempt to transcribe part of the conversation we had today.

Compulsion is defined by Mirriam Webster’s dictionary as “an irresistible persistent impulse to perform an act (as excessive hand washing); also: the act itself.”

When I say I am a food addict, I mean that I want to eat all the time. Food is usually at the forefront of my mind. When I do manage to block out thoughts of it I am inevitably distracted by some beautiful food that comes across my path. For instance, at Christmas I was taking papers to my boss and passed by filing cabinets that had cookies on them. These cookies were the prettiest cookies I have ever seen. They were Christmas trees with green icing and multi-colored ornaments. Without thinking, I picked up the cookies and stuffed them into a napkin and carried them back to my desk. I looked at the pretty cookies for not more than 30 minutes before deciding I had to eat them rather than take them home to my family. Then I somehow convinced myself that I would not eat any other “bad” things that day. This is compulsive behavior. Had I not seen the cookies I would not have craved them or desired them. But once seen, I grabbed without even thinking because they were extremely attractive to me. I have built walls to protect me from many foods in the grocery store and instinctively walk away without compulsively grabbing but when I see something out of the ordinary that is flashy or particularly desireable, I grab, eat, and deal with the consequences later.

This is probably fairly normal behavior for people who have a sweet tooth. At least this is what people tell me. But here’s the tricky part, the thing that makes this food addiction so entirely miserable. If I leave the pretty cookie and don’t eat it I will think about the great loss of the uneaten cookie for the rest of the day. I will actually grieve the cookie if I don’t eat it. If I do eat it I will regret it all day. The point I am trying to make is I often feel like I lose either way. And the cookie is just one example of the many things I have eaten/not eaten, that torture me hourly. I say hourly because the feeling of wanting rarely leaves me. This is why I thought losing weight was impossible. I felt that even if I resisted food it would haunt me forever. I thought being thin would mean a miserable me always wanting and never finding relief.

But this is not entirely true. Once I discovered sugar as a trigger and began to cut it out of my diet, I began to learn that if I did not eat certain foods I did not crave them. This same rule applies to fast food, soda, ice cream and chips. In fact, many processed foods hold no sway with me now. It’s the compulsion that kills me. If I see it and decide I want to have a little treat, then I begin the sugar cycle all over again. Knowing this truth about my body helps me to be wise if only I can resist the compulsion to grab pretty foods when they present themselves.

Stephanie made a very good suggestion today. She said, “When food screams your name, go walk somewhere for 20 minutes and pray instead of eating it.” I thought it was a very good suggestion but not always practical. Usually the food is right outside my cube at work and I have to keep working so I can’t walk away. In essence, I am continually inundated with food temptations. One thing that works for me is memorizing scripture. I may not be able to control the temptation but I can control my response to it if I am intentional about it. I will admit it often takes a lot of will power and determination but obviously it is not impossible. I have lost 140 pounds over the course of nearly 3 years by using these methods, therefore I know they work for me.

No one ever said life would be easy. Everyone has something they struggle with. My desire for food is a burden when I let it become a burden. But when I give it to Jesus, when I ask him to give me strength to resist temptation, he does. I don’t claim to understand it. I only know he helps me supernaturally. Also, I have educated myself on eating foods that satisfy me wholly. Strawberries, raisins, sweet potatoes. These foods satisfy my cravings for sweet things yet nourish my body in a way that eliminates cravings. And water. Water is my biggest weapon because when I drink it I defeat the dehydration that feigns hunger.

I’m sure I’ll write more about this topic in days to come but for now I’m going to sit back and soak in ocean air. I’m going to enjoy the warm weather for 2 more days, and then I shall return to Missouri to endure winter’s last gasp. I am thankful today for many things, but most of all for Jesus who has walked with me on this journey to better health and has heard my cries of hopelessness and who has loved me even when my belly was full of cookie dough and I felt like the biggest failure on the planet.

I am blessed.