Archive for the The Journey Category

I had dinner with a friend last night that I don’t know very well. From past experience I know there is always that awkward moment when you aren’t sure what to say and you try to fill the empty void with words. I went into that meal bound and determined not to commit that faux pas. I am learning that the discipline of listening–really listening–takes effort. So often in past years I have seen my tendency to interrupt and talk over as opposed to trying to understand other points of view. Last night I tried to set all of those bad habits aside and just be still.

I say all of this to note that at one point in the conversation I brought up the corruption of the human heart. I mentioned that I have found hatred and murder present in my own heart and have struggled to wrest them from my psyche. Also, I said that I have dealt with this because I have been so deeply betrayed by people I cared for and called friends. I said, “That is why I love Jesus. He has always been faithful.”

The person I was eating with said that Christians as a whole are responsible for most of the mass murders in America and I found that curious. When I consider who Christ was and what he taught while on earth, it occurs to me that people who study his teachings know he never advocated such behavior. However, people are prone to corruption and, for various reasons, will twist and corrupt what the Bible says to suit their motives–which is how we end up with people like David Koresh and The Branch Davidians. Only truly corrupt people would twist God’s word into condoning the rape of a 13 year old girl and the subsequent murder of 79 people. With all of that in mind, I feel pretty certain my friend doesn’t understand at all where I’m coming from as a follower of Jesus.

Still, I’ve been thinking about our conversation today as I participated in the American tradition of thanking God for my blessings. I say “American” because I invited my Chinese friend to spend the day with my family and we had many conversations about Chinese customs, including the Mid-Autumn festival which consists of lunar worship and the consumption of Mooncakes. Thanksgiving appeared to her to be very much the same as this Chinese custom. People gather around the tables with copious amounts of food and eat themselves silly. The only difference is that in my family we pray to God before we eat, and thank Him for providing the food. She has asked many questions about this custom because we spend a lot of time together and I do my best to explain, but much like my friend from yesterday, she simply doesn’t understand.

When it comes to Christians, many misconceptions abound from those who don’t follow Christ’s teachings, and it can be quite a big hurdle to cross for the friendship to progress. For instance, how do I explain that I love a being I can’t see? How do I know he is real? I mean, it does look rather kooky from an outsider looking in. So really, how am I different than David Koresh in the grand scheme of things? Don’t I act on my beliefs and use God to justify my behavior?

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me.” -Jesus in John 14:1

When I say that I am a Christian, it means that I follow Christ. I’m not a good person. I am ravaged with sin. The only difference I can see between me and someone who does not believe that Jesus was the son of God, is that I am forgiven and healed of these sins and that one day I will reside with Him in Heaven.

“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Yet a little while and the world will see me no more, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live.” -Jesus in John 14:18-19

So what does Jesus expect of me? Does he want me to start the next holy war and murder people? Since “Christians” have this reputation for murdering and causing a great commotion in the world because of their beliefs, where do I stand on that issue?

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you.” -Jesus in John 15:12-14

Jesus told his disciples this and then he went and endured torture, died on the cross, and rose from the dead to prove that he was who he said he was. So it follows with me that if I love Jesus and follow his teachings, I will be the one giving up my life, not the other way around. People can claim to be “Christian” all day long, but if they take life away from another human being–if they make their wishes more important than others–if they wound rather than bind up and heal–they do not follow the same Jesus I believe in.

Today was Thanksgiving. I ate too much food. I enjoyed the fellowship of my family. I considered that my oldest son was probably denied both of these simple American traditions and it grieved me. I miss him. But today I also know that my son is a follower of Jesus. I don’t hold my son in my arms at this moment in time, but I know that he rests in the arms of Jesus. No matter what his day consisted of, I know that he is safe there.

Today was Thanksgiving. Today, the thing I was most thankful for was not a thing, it was a person. And His name is Jesus. Maybe that’s a little simplistic to some folks, but it’s who I am. He is the only cause of anything good that comes out of me.

I don’t always think very fast on my feet. I’m not very clever in conversation and I suppose I could argue better about why I believe the things I believe. But I’m going to rest in the knowledge that I may never be a good orator, but as long as I am a faithful lover of people who is willing to lay down my life for others, I am being true to the teachings of the one whose name I profess to believe in.

Have you ever considered someone’s appearance and made a snap judgment? Did you condemn or exonerate them based on their mannerisms or level of intelligence? Did their professional or personal experience factor into the determination you made? How did you respond to your determination over time as you interacted with that person? How did you know you were right or wrong about that first impression?

Human behavior fascinates me. Maybe it is because humans I know have so deeply loved and wounded me—sometimes simultaneously. This is not an indictment against any one person more than myself. That is because this morning as I was standing at the kitchen sink making my lunch, I told my husband, “I can’t stand you. You suck!” Because I am perfectly kind, always loving, and never lose my temper. I said this to him because of an argument from the night before, and because his abhorrent behavior of the morning—namely—he was in my way. Yes I am a jerk. I use this as an example only to illustrate how complex relationships can be. And if the relationship one has with a spouse is complicated, consider how much more so the relationship we have with ourselves.

If you read my bio on this blog you will note that I began my journey to better health in 2010. But I’ll be candid with you, I feel like I’m really only a few steps in. Sure, I’ve lost some weight and made major lifestyle adjustments. I exercise. I wear smaller clothes. So that means I’ve got it all together, right? Ha. I’m sorry. That’s me laughing at myself because if you could take a peek inside my brain (Being John Malcovich style) all of those assumptions would shatter in seconds.

I am daily living with a fragile body that likes to cave to my every whim. Sometimes that whim is snatching candy from my co-workers, and other times it is binge eating behind closed doors. Sometimes my whims lead to self-destructive behaviors like over-exercising to make up for excess calories consumed(exercise bulimia) and more often than not, I tend to trample over the people I love most dearly because of these behaviors and the ensuing emotional whirlwinds they stir up. So when I say that human behavior fascinates me I mean to say that I am completely confounded by myself most of the time and the personal juxtaposition I exemplify. It is why I am on the journey to learn discipline and why I keep searching for the means to cure my food addiction and stop my compulsive behaviors. So when you read this page and look at my picture…when you make that snap judgment about how successful I am and how I’ve conquered my demons, think again. There is more to me than meets the eye.

Sometimes I feel so strong. With my muscles tensed, I jog and jab and sing a song from years gone by, “Momma Said Knock You Out” by LL Cool J. Such was the case this morning(before the said incident with my husband). I don’t know why this song comes to mind as I’m pumping my fists mid run, but it probably has something to do with a certain fellow I worked with at Rax Restaurants when I was 16 years old. He was a semi-god in the workplace. He operated the slicer(slicing all of the meat for the sandwiches) and I was the lowly salad bar girl. For some reason The Slicer held mythical status with me because one had to be 18 years old to hold that position and I was 2 years shy of that. When cleaning and closing up shop late at night, he used to dance slide around the red brick tile—as I scrubbed it—and sing that song. He would pop his fists in the air and shout, “I’m gonna knock you out! Momma said knock you out!” And for some reason, that song has stuck with me ever since. Which is funny because I remember his face but for the life of me I can’t remember his name. So how is it that one minute I’m jogging and jabbing and the next minute I’m eating a handful of Snickers bars? Like, really. What’s up with that? I oscillate between strength and weakness–sometimes between breaths.

For some time now I’ve been reading a book by John Owen titled, “Overcoming Sin and Temptation.” I am reading expressly to confront my demons with food addiction(sin). I want to determine WHY I behave the way I do so I can nip the undesired behaviors in the bud. For some reason “just say no” doesn’t always work for me. There’s this little thing called hunger that pops up from time to time and then there is the intense desire for comfort via consumption of sweet treats. But those basic human needs are not what make my issues with food sinful. It’s how I respond to those desires that makes them wrong. I am on the journey to confront the real reasons I behave the way I do and facing those issues is very, very scary.

Romans 7:15-20 “For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. 18 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.”

As I said before, human behavior fascinates me. Obviously I’m not the first person to deal with such a dilemma, and quite frankly, it’s very encouraging to know that the Apostle Paul struggled with sin too.

So today when I came across a passage in John Owen’s book that poked me in the eye, I sat up and paid attention.

“A man may beat down the bitter fruit from an evil tree until he is weary; while the root abides in strength and vigor, the beating down of the present fruit will not hinder it from bringing forth more. This is the folly of some men; they set themselves with all earnestness and diligence against the appearing eruption of lust, but leaving the principle and root untouched, perhaps unsearched out, they make but little or no progress in this work of mortification.”

So if the fruit of my tree is overeating/food lust, what is the root and how do I destroy it once and for all? This is the question that today is vexing me. I have a handful of answers and some hard work to do, but it occurs to me that it would be much easier to settle in with a bowl of cookie dough and pretend they don’t exist. Which reminds me of a book I read a few years ago, “American Junkie” by Tom Hansen. His story of addiction will forever haunt me. I encourage everyone to read his book if for no other reason to understand how much courage it takes to face addiction. But the crux of what I gathered from his story was this, he spent many years running away from his problems. He used heroin to numb his pain, much of which was not his fault, some of which was. And one day, he chose life over drugs and in so doing, started facing the problems he had been running away from all his life.

Today I realized that my addiction to food is not the root of my problem; it is only the fruit. I use sweets as a numbing mechanism to escape the real issues like pride and vanity(and a whole host of other issues I won’t name here because I don’t want you to fall asleep). And God is gracious to me for not allowing me to get away with that behavior. Some people can hide behind fast metabolisms and will never face their root problem. But my jeans(pun intended) don’t allow that.

I used to rationalize my excess girth. After all, lots of people can eat candy and fast food and maintain a healthy waistline. But the truth was, I wasn’t brave enough to face my problems. I faced some of them in losing the weights(140 pounds) but obviously I have more to face. And I have to be honest here, it really feels unfair, but I know it is absolutely necessary. God means to use it for my good. When I look at what He has freed me from, I know that facing and killing my root sin is entirely possibly and can only bring abundant joy.

Galations 2:19-20 “For through the law I died to the law, so that I might live to God. I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

“Oh Lord be gracious to us; we wait for you. be our arm every morning, our salvation in the time of trouble.” – Isaiah 33:2

There is a hearts cry that goes out when infirmity finds us. This guttural grunt cannot be contained by mere words. It is the pulse in our soul that bleeds ache and there is no emotional bandage that will bind the wound.

I have a real problem with social media sometimes. People post happy pictures and tell stories about their seemingly impeccable lives. They have perfected the art of making life look easy. But I have never known what that feels like. In fact, I have a friend who regularly posts pictures of her beautiful house that is lovingly decorated, and her neat and tidy children–all of whom have pretty smiles and perfectly coiffed hair. If this weren’t bad enough, she’s exactly like this in person too. Nice clothes. She gets a promotion every other year. Her husband has a really good job. Oh, and she has a nanny. I don’t begrudge her the nanny(okay, maybe I do just a little bit) but to be honest, I find it challenging to relate to people at this end of the human spectrum. I’m certain she has bad days but I’ve never heard about them. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever even seen her frown. Oh, and did I mention she’s naturally thin? It’s amazing really, how some people are just supernaturally blessed.

Conversely, I had lunch with a different friend last week who was relating to me how hard 2015 has been. She related to me one trauma after the other–all in close proximity–each deep and painful in their own way. Then she looked at me and said, “Margaret, I don’t know what I did to deserve all this pain.” I thought about it for a minute as she stirred her salad. Then I said, “When bad things happen, why is our first response to think we did something to deserve it?” She just shook her head and sighed. But I am guilty of thinking the same thing. “What the heck, God?! What’s your deal with me anyway? Do you just really enjoy doling out punishment in my general direction?” Funny how I struggle to “blame” him for all the good things that happen in my life. For the most part, I totally take those for granted.

I hobbled into work on Wednesday. Each time my foot hit the ground I felt a well of pain–swelling to crescendo and threatening to drown me. I wanted to crawl back to my car and drive home. I wanted someone to carry me. I wanted ibuprofen. And I tried not to limp. I didn’t want people to ask me what was wrong. I was in a foul mood and the very last thing I wanted was pity. So I took slow and deliberate steps and tried really hard to smile. I failed.

“Margaret! Are you limping?”

I cringed. I took a deep breath. “I’m okay. Ain’t no thang.” And then I moved on. I didn’t want to discuss my pain. It’s private. It’s personal. Besides, there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it.

I don’t write all of this to complain. It’s just life. Or as Wesley once said, “Life is pain, highness. Anyone who tells you differently is selling something.”

I drove to downtown St. Louis today to see a new doctor in order to get help with some health issues for my young son. While driving there I passed two men in separate locations. Each held a sign that conveyed the same message: “Homeless. Please help me.” I began to wonder, is there any respite from this sickness–this pain that has infected everyone? Is there hope? Is there healing? Or am I just like those men–standing on a corner with my little cardboard sign pleading for someone, anyone to take pity on me and scoop me up and offer assistance. I had a terrible thought at that moment too. Is my religion the crutch people outside my situation perceive it to be? Because really, who can believe in a God that allows such terrible suffering and does nothing to intervene?

I have been hesitant to talk about this on my blog but I feel the need to be candid in case others could find some semblance of camaraderie in the knowledge that they do not suffer alone. The thing is, I have been having stomach pains for some time now and finally sought out help from my doctor. I had been worried and was hopeful she would give me some medicine to make the pain go away. Instead, she waved her little pad, threw out a disinterested diagnosis and told me to get some tests. Then she threw a script at me and told me to see a G.I. doctor. She also mentioned I might want to change my diet.

It would be a massive understatement to say that I panicked. I am pretty sure there was hyperventilating and then carbs. Lots of carbs. And yes, that sound you just heard was the button on my pants popping. Because that’s what happens when I freak out. I eat. And then I guilt. And then I pick myself up and dust myself off and move forward. That is my cycle of life.

But you know what I think? I think all this suffering just makes me more real. One could never accuse me of being plastic. All of this pain and struggle and hardship are not wasted. They make me more. Like the Velveteen Rabbit. He didn’t become real until he had been really loved.

There are times when I feel abandoned by God. I pray and there is no easy answer. I cry and my tears are not assuaged. But that does not mean He is absent. In fact, there are other times where He uses my pain to give me greater understanding of others who suffer, and conversely, He uses the pain of others to comfort me. What a mystery He is! A wonderful, beautiful mystery!

So when I am in pain, when I suffer, when I experience the limp of doom…I still believe God is present.

“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10

Today I am in the pain, but I choose to trust God anyway. I believe He will deliver me from all of my troubles. Maybe not today. Maybe not even tomorrow. And I trust Him.

Are you limping? Take heart! He hears your cries. And I promise you this, you are not alone. Better yet, your pain is making you more real.