Archive for the The Journey Category

I will never forget the first time I rode on a roller coaster. My mom and dad took me to Six Flags and we rode on the Screaming Eagle. I was probably only 10 years old and I was ecstatic. Riding the grown-up rides was significant at that point in my life. It meant I was “big.” I remember climbing aboard and feeling so nervous. I thought there would be a seat belt(I’m not sure why). There was not. I realized all I had to hold onto was a tiny bar in front of me, but I was sitting next to my mom so I figured I would be okay. Oh how very wrong I was.

Climbing that first hill took(what felt like) 2 hours. I wasn’t sure what to expect at the top of it. I knew a drop was coming, but I didn’t know what that would look or feel like. I heard the click-click-click-click of the train-car climbing and then–with very little warning–the cars in front of me began to drop. I was pulled forward and began the stomach-lurching fall that sped us down and around some turns. And I will be honest—I really did think I was going to die. I realized I was not big after all. In fact, I felt very, very small. There I was, shifting around in my seat with each jolt of the car. I mean, I clung to the bar, but I may as well have been clinging to a sheet of paper blowing in the wind. I may have screamed. I don’t remember. What I do remember was the slow and steady ache in my stomach, the guttural groaning, and the longing for someone to see my misery, stop the ride and let me off.

Sometimes life is a lot like a roller coaster. I suppose for some people that means that there is a succession of highs and lows, but for me, it means life is scary and I want off! Unfortunately, the ride is still moving and all I can do is hold on for dear life and wait.

Our little family has had a succession of roller-coaster drops here recently. The head gaskets on our truck malfunctioned and had to be replaced. And while I like to say, “It’s only money,” my husband is freaking out. And the tax man is calling and he would like(what feels like) my first born child. And my health continues to be precarious. I will feel great one day and like gutter sludge the next. And my emotions are all over the place because I’m a human being trying to process a whole bunch of shifts in the wheels as we climb yet another hill. So last night I laid in bed and made the (foolish) decision to watch television as presidential primary results rolled in. And I looked at the little boy asleep next to me and sighed as I considered that we’re all doomed. Or, as my dad likes to say, “We’ll never get out of this world alive.”

I have to pause here to chuckle. Because it’s actually really funny. And you would laugh too if you’d ever seen my dad say that with his trademark smirk. He is the king of worriers so it’s no surprise I get a little anxious when the turbulence of life hits. But I have learned over time that no matter how bumpy the ride may be, I just have to keep moving. Because I’m not on this roller coaster ride alone. My friend Jesus is in the seat next to me and he’s got me covered. I won’t fly out of my seat. And the lurching won’t last forever. So right now, even though I’m hanging on by the skin of my teeth, it’s cool. And without listing them, I can think of a thousand worse things that could be happening to me or my loved ones right now. So I’m just going to thank God for what I’ve got. I mean really…there could be zombies. And zombies are even worse than roller coasters!

This morning I went for a walk. I was definitely in the gutter sludge kind of mood because daylight savings time hit this week and I’m plumb tuckered out. But I exercised anyway. Because some days, as much as I want to give up, I just refuse to give into that line of thinking. That’s what resolve is. I resolve to keep trying. Even when I’ve gained 10 pounds. Even when my knee aches. Even when I’m crabby and sick of the whole business. And you know what? I always feel better when I’m done. If for no other reason than that part of my day is done and over with. Because it’s true that I don’t always feel better after I work out. And that’s okay too. Because there’s something to be said about doing a thing that’s mentally and physically challenging and doing it well. Because that means I get to eat ice cream!

One of the great gifts given to humanity is the capacity to learn. So why is it that we have such a challenging time admitting our mistakes? Isn’t realizing we are wrong part of the learning process? If we don’t know what we are doing is wrong, we can’t make the necessary changes to do what is right. Granted, I don’t like to be told I’m wrong. But sometimes being wrong is necessary. Therefore I have healthy respect for people who are bold enough to(kindly)shine light on my flaws. Unfortunately, I don’t encounter these people often enough.

I recently had a conversation with my husband about a mutual friend. This friend is walking through the consequences of choices he has made and is not very quick on the uptake about why he is where he is in life. He grumbles and complains a lot over what is being done to him rather than taking responsibility for his choices. And while we have tried to encourage him to examine himself and learn from each experience, he quickly doubles down on his positions–disregarding our advice. This led my husband to say today, “Well, I suppose eventually we all learn by experience–like it or not.”

Sometimes we pick and choose the truths we want to believe. I saw a meme on Facebook today that said Taco Bell beef is only 36% beef. I was astounded. What do you mean it’s not all beef? What else could possibly be in there? Why would Taco Bell lie to me that way? But I also know that some people like to post propaganda on social media that is less than truthful. So I explored the truth behind this claim and learned that Taco Bell beef filling is actually 88% beef and 12% filler. And then, because that story is nearly two years old, I went directly to the Taco Bell website where they fully disclose ingredients in all their food. After that I felt somewhat satisfied. It’s important to sort out actual truth and disseminate it from a lie perpetuated as truth.

In my personal experience, one of the great hindrances to acknowledging mistakes was the interference of my personal preferences. My pride often stood in the way–like a solid brick wall–preventing me from seeing how my choices truly affected my life. As a result, I continued to make poor choices and then be baffled by the consequences.

I used to think a meal was healthy if I ate salad with it. I also used to think drinking water negated calories consumed. I would pick and choose my personal truths like a trip to the all-you-can-eat buffet. I didn’t want to believe I was overeating because I couldn’t stand the thought of giving up the foods I loved. I made a conscious decision to not exercise and live snack to meal as if there were no consequences. The problem was, my body type didn’t allow me to eat unrestrained without accumulating vast quantities of fat. The more weight I gained, the more despairing I became until one day I had to face the truth. I consider that day the most important step in my journey–the first one. I had to acknowledge I had made a mistake(a lot of mistakes actually) and then begin to learn what living a healthy lifestyle actually looked like. This meant discovering that many of the things I previously believed were lies. It was a painful truth, and yet it was breathtakingly beautiful to be set free from all the lies.

I consider the ability to learn truly incredible. It means I don’t have to be the same person tomorrow that I am today. It means life can be lived in a state of perpetual adventure. Pitfalls and blunders become opportunities to improve. The unknown can be filled with awe and wonder. Intellect becomes this gateway by which I pass from oblivious to mindful knowing. But the most wonderful news of all is that the journey never ends while I am alive.

I believe the ability to learn is a gift from our creator and when utilized properly, brings him great glory. How else could something so painful(admitting fault) be used to transform my(years-long)foolishness into a 140 pound weight loss journey? You see, living a healthy lifestyle is not a diet. It’s not a “get-thin-quick” scheme. It’s not a “21 day fix” or a boot-camp style regime. I suppose some people take great pride in paying for and completing such programs. But for me and my stubborn will, I have to purposefully fight every day with my body. And so the more I learn about it, the easier it is to admonish and care for. That is why learning is so cool. Every day is a new opportunity for adventure. Yesterday it was riding my bicycle. Today it’s cooking a lean meat in a new way. And tomorrow? Well, I for one can’t wait to see what it brings.

This morning I woke up to the sound of dog toenails clicking on my hardwood floors. I say “woke up” even though my alarm had already rung, I had already turned it off, and I had already decided not to exercise. But when I hear dog toenails clicking, I know that if I don’t answer the call to let the beast that owns those toenails out, I will have more cause for concern than I care to consider because he is a Boxer dog and he is the king of mess making. Yesterday morning he vomited at my feet, which is just about the worst gift a dog can give its owner. Other than worms. Worms are not a good gift.

I’m not that innocent

Last night I planned my workout—a brisk walk with my trusty ESV audio Bible. But, as with all good intentions, some dreams dissipate in the fog of exhaustion. So when my dog forced me out of bed, I decided to follow through on my plan even though I didn’t quite feel like it. That’s the great thing about planning…sometimes the plan sticks to me even though I don’t stick to it. Good habits, when properly applied, reap more than just results. They become part of your identity. My exercise habit has become so much a part of the routine that I feel somewhat naked without it.

I squeezed into my workout clothes and opened the door to find something I wasn’t quite expecting, rain. It was still dark outside but I could tell by the gray blob in the sky that this wasn’t a quick shower. It was a full on, not-going-anywhere drizzle. In case you were wondering, this is the point in my blog where my eyebrows furrow and I look a lot like Bert from Sesame Street. For a brief second I considered my elliptical machine, and then I decided I would rather stab myself in the eye with sharp objects than torture myself with that monstrosity. And so I pulled out a water resistant hoodie instead. And the rest, as they say, is history.

And I lived happily ever after.

Except when I didn’t.

And that is what walking in the rain feels like. The day AFTER happily ever after.

I have committed to live a healthy lifestyle. I have been practicing these healthy habits for almost 6 years now. But keeping the weight off my fat-inclined body is tough stuff. It’s skipping the donuts, maintaining a sugar-free lifestyle, and forcing myself to exercise even when I don’t feel like it. But I have to chuckle a little bit here because when faced with my options, walking in the rain or running on the elliptical, it felt like a hundred other adult decisions I make every day. Go to work and stay employed or live on the street. Wash the dishes or eat off a nasty plate. Do the laundry or wear stinky clothes. Why can’t my choice ever be between winning the lottery or finding gold nuggets in the back yard? But I digress.

Along with the cold wet drops dripping in my eyes, I felt the dreary flicker of despair. But for many reason, today I decided that despair is for dummies and I’m no dummy. So I bucked up and charged up the first hill and down the next. I started with Galatians and ended with Thessalonians. And I didn’t enjoy every second that my knee and hip hurt, but I kept walking anyway.

You see, in the dark of night I received a distress call (text message) from my son(who is a Marine). And because he is far away and I am not able to sit him on my lap anymore and kiss away his boo boos, I had two options: worry or pray. I chose the latter. Prayer infused with truth(the Bible) makes sad hearts glad. I know this is true because I don’t always like walking(especially with a bum knee and hip). But walking with Jesus is always awesome. It’s how I began my journey to better health and how I continue to keep the weight off. When life’s problems swell to enormous proportions I know that I have a safe place in a brisk walk with Jesus. Walking and Jesus have become so synonymous to me that I struggle to do one without the other.

Sometimes I worry about the day I stop adhering to a healthy lifestyle. But worry never gets me anywhere good. Sometimes my body gives out and I can’t do the things I want. That’s when I rest most in his grace. Today I rejoiced that I had the courage to face the rain and didn’t even consider skipping my workout. Sure I was spurred on by the need to pray for my son, but I’ll admit, I found so much joy as I walked and talked to God and gave him all my burdens, that the worry and fear and pain just evaporated in the splendor of his great grace. Because sometimes our best laid plans are diverted. And somehow they still manage to happen anyway. That has to be grace. And you can’t plan grace.