Archive for the The Journey Category

I was standing in Sam’s Club at the counter in the Tire Department. It was the day after Christmas and I was tired. All of my children were sitting in my husband’s truck ready and eager for the Christmas celebration with their grandmother. We were an hour late and we were hungry. We were standing there with the tire we had purchased three months prior–the tire that was now flat. I had called before we drove up there in our one remaining vehicle to ensure we could get it fixed. You see, our two other vehicles are broken down and have been for several weeks(another story for another day). I had been running a quick errand when we inadvertently ran over a strip of roofing nails. The tire was ruined. Thank goodness my husband thought enough to keep a spare handy.

It was about 5:00pm and the woman behind the counter was flustered. She was helping the customer in front of me and taking a very long time doing so. In between friendly gesticulations to her, she would shout at the long line of customers(myself included), “We close at 7:00pm! I can’t take any more vehicles tonight because I want to leave at 7:00pm.” I looked over at my husband and he at me. The ridiculousness of our situation was maddening. We just wanted to drop the tire off and be one our way. Instead, we were standing in line listening to a crabby, underpaid Sam’s Club employee refuse to take care of us. And she was adamant about it. She proceeded to start doing paperwork and even went so far as to call other customers on the telephone. She insisted on acting as if we weren’t present at all. But I continued to wait. Because I was darn well going to leave my tire there(because I bought it there) and she was darn well going to help me. I am certain my face was pinched. My husband was one pulsing vein away from a brain aneurysm. But we stood our ground and refused to be turned away.

And then suddenly the woman behind me said, “Hey, are you Margaret?” And I turned to see an old friend from Ferguson, a woman I used to chat with frequently and who knew me before I began my journey to live a healthy lifestyle. She began to say all manner of nice things to me, including that she loved reading my column, Ferguson by Foot. And I was instantly grateful that I hadn’t made a scene by poking the Sam’s Club employee in the eye or cursing her cat, or stomping like Rumpelstiltskin. And so we stood there and had a nice little chat about Ferguson and neighbors we loved and lost. And finally the woman behind the counter decided she did indeed have time to take care of us. I said goodbye to my friend and we began the trip back to Ferguson to see family.

Let me start by saying I don’t believe in bad luck. AND! A lot of stuff has broken down on me this year. Between laptops, phones, cars and tantruming children, I have every reason to dance the “poor, poor pitiful me” jig. On top of that, we have seen my niece robbed and run over with a car, my grandmother break her leg and spend time in rehab, and numerous friends receive a diagnosis of cancer. It is not without a sense of irony that I watch as people grieve the death of celebrities. And then I stop and reflect that I too have every reason to be “done” with 2016. But, as I told my friend in line at the Sam’s Club Tire Department, “I still have joy.” And that means that regardless of my circumstances, I can celebrate.

How, you might ask, is that even possible?

If you read this blog regularly you might know where I’m going with this…

But it’s because of Jesus. I truly delight in Jesus. When I rest fully in Him, I experience joy and peace that have no measure. He is the greatest gift of all. And so when all of the circumstances in my life lead me to misfortune(broken cars) and illness(cancers), I look to him and I smile. Because He has been with me all along. He has never left my side. He is a faithful friend indeed.

Today we are celebrating the end of 2016. In the middle of our family celebrations I received some news that cut straight to my heart. Little do people sometimes understand how deeply words can wound or how desolate the word-hearer can become after the word bomb has exploded. And there was literally nothing I could say in return. So I just sat there. And I sobbed internally. And then I prayed. In distress and in sorrow, I can call out to my Heavenly Father for help. And this matters. It is important. Because God is not a figment of my imagination. He is not an imaginary friend. He is real and He is absolutely present in my life. He hears my cries for help and He answers me. And no one and no thing can ever steal Him away. I am His and He is mine. And that means joy is always an option. I can have have joy always–even when the worst news comes, even when all the vehicles break down, even when my heart is broken. Because God is the source of all joy. I am His child, He gives it to me freely so I am never in need of it.

Some years back I was grieving a particularly difficult period in my life. The desolation was so complete I could do little other than sit in my house and cry. One day as I lay in bed, I heard a bird singing. I looked out of the front window to find the source of the song. It was the dead of winter. Cold, gray clouds swam by overhead and even the thermometer shivered. And there I was, listening to this strange, happy song. I was surprised when I found the source: a little Carolina Wren. It was pecking through the woodpile on my front porch and singing intermittently. I sat and watched it for a long time and marveled. Now every time I see a wren I am reminded that we all have a choice. We can sigh or we can sing. Today, I choose to sing.

“Frail children of dust, and feeble as frail, in you do we trust, nor find you to fail. Your mercies, how tender, how firm to the end, our Maker, Defender, Redeemer and Friend!” – Robert Grant

We are fortunate when our paths are smooth, but we rarely give thanks. We look at the blue sky as if it were our due—as if we deserve such beauty. But should the dark clouds roll in, we hustle and crab, gripe and moan. Sometimes we are given a great and wonderful gift; the ability to see this world as it truly is, including our relationship to it. By that I mean that this world is broken and we in turn are buried beneath the weight of that brokenness.

As I write this, someone I love dearly is undergoing brain surgery. The doctors have shaved the beautiful hair from her head and they are using instruments to try to remove a significant tumor. And I suppose it would be easy to put my faith in the finest medical doctors utilizing the most modern technology available to remove the mass and save the life of my friend, but I don’t. Because the doctors are just people, and the instruments they use consist of molecules and atoms.

If I place my faith in the doctors, the machines and the instruments, I founder. A co-worker stopped by with his assessment of the situation. “She is laying on a cold, hard slab of metal and we are all waiting to see what will happen.” Time plus matter plus chance indeed.

I felt the gravity of his fear pulsing like waves in my direction. After all, any surgery has inherent risks. He asked me a question with great sincerity, “Are they prepared for the worst?”

It is a question we should all be asking on a regular basis because, if we are honest, tomorrow is guaranteed to no one. And while no one likes to think about it, death comes to all of us at some point. Sure, we console ourselves with the idea of living a long life and have plenty of time to prepare. We assume cancer will never happen to us or that a stroke won’t cripple us. That happens to other people. So when tragedy strikes, we are shattered. Today if you are reading this and you have never considered your future, stop and make an honest assessment, are you truly prepared to die?

There once lived a man named Jesus who spoke these words about death. “And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven, but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven.”

These are the words that came to mind as I considered the loss of my friend. I suppose some people can scrape by with well wishes and hope for a successful surgery. All I could see was the loss of someone I love and how on earth I would begin to cope with such agony.

My friend knows Jesus. So the knowledge that her body might perish does not frighten me. You see, I believe what the Bible says about death—that heaven and hell are real places—but Jesus laid down his life to save us from eternal death(hell) by paying the ultimate price for our sin. And if we know him, he will defend us before the father to ensure we do not go to that terrible place. It is not a hopeful wish. It is not a fairy story. I don’t have some vague idea that my friend will be in a better place. I am confident that should the worst possible thing happen to her, she will go to be with Jesus. And that knowledge gives me incredible joy.

There are people reading this that will think I’m a lunatic. Or they might even think I am foolish or simple-minded. After all, only simpletons believe all that old-fashioned religious stuff. But I am joyfully confident. Can the dear reader say the same?

I woke this morning from a frightful dream. In it I was torn between two loves and couldn’t make up my mind. I thought for some reason that I could maintain both and woke up in tears because I was trying to deceive each into believing I had chosen them. The soundtrack to my dream was an old hymn and I was fearfully reminded that what we worship matters.

“O worship the King all-glorious above,
O gratefully sing his power and his love:
our shield and defender, the Ancient of Days,
pavilioned in splendor and girded with praise.”

In my dream I was worshipping myself. I wanted both loves even though each person demanded fidelity. My frustration was the fruit of my selfish desire rather than the love and care of those people. As I prayed about it, I began to see that what I want is tainted by the brokenness of this world, i.e. sin. My limited perspective is guided by selfish desire, but God’s ways are higher than mine. He is not limited by the things that limit me and his purposes are not my purposes. I have to admit that I broke down into sobs. The only prayer I could pray was, “Father, have mercy on me.”

So what if my friend does not wake up? What if she is disabled? Does that make God any less good? I know from my own limited perspective that I want to see her wake up and have no remaining infirmity—as if that is the only good that can come out of such a diagnosis as a brain tumor. But when I consider that the “good” God chose to save me was to murder his son on the cross, I am certain that what I consider good and what He considers good are not the same things. So who will I worship?

Today I do not worship the doctors. I do not worship the hospital where my friend is having surgery. I do not worship the nurses, or the machines, or the drugs that enable my friend to endure a procedure pain free. As we wait on the razor edge with worry about the future, I worship the Ancient of Days. He knit my friend together in her mother’s womb. He knows every atom and molecule in her body. He knows how many hairs are on her head, even after it has been shaved. He loves her, and all those who belong to her. And He is capable of holding them all in the palm of His hands.

And lest I forget, the palms of his hands are marred by the nails of the spikes that held Him to the cross—a torturous place of contempt and shame. And because of this—because of Him—I can rest easy. Because I know how very much He loves my friend and her family. Because I know how much He loves me. He cares more about the soul than the body. And He knows what it means to suffer.

So I wait and I pray.

Because I am confident there will be good.

Because God is good.

No matter the outcome.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” – Jesus (John 14:27 ESV)

I first learned about habitualization from David Kessler in his book, “The End of Overeating.” I never considered that food companies were manipulating me by using taste and texture in order to motivate me to eat—and inevitably buy—more. I don’t fully understand how the brain works, even though I have read “The Addicted Brain” and have now ordered, “Capture: Unraveling the Mystery of Mental Suffering”. I find that by reading about addiction and trying to understand how the brain works, I understand my own situation more fully and am able to combat the compulsions that make up my every day existence. Food addiction is about so much more than overeating(as I have come to learn over the years). It is emotional, physical, psychological and even sometimes completely irrational. But I cannot stop pursuing information on how to conquer my body and its lusts in this stuggle to overcome my own personal Battle of the Bulge”. I find that to concede is to quit, and I’m no quitter.

The only good thing about habitualization is that it works both ways. For instance, I never crave French fries and they used to be a staple of my diet. I do, however, crave broccoli. You might read that last sentence and think I’m joking but I’m not. In fact, after I wrote that I went to the store and bought broccoli because I was out.

Yesterday I had lunch with a group of women from work and the person sitting next to me noticed that I ate the things on my plate in a specific order. In another lifetime I would have been offended by that observation(so insecure am I!) but yesterday I was only mildly amused. I explained the rationale behind my consumption.

“I always eat the vegetables first, then the protein, and then the carbs(if there are any).” She raised her eyebrows, nodded, and then continued to eat the food on her plate. (I get the raised eyebrow a lot when discussing food so I’m used to it)

Eating your vegetables first is lesson one in Healthy Eating 101. Fill your belly with low calorie, high fiber foods and you will fill up faster and consume fewer calories. The problem for a compulsive eater, however, is that gluttony tends to override the natural full impulse. Which is how I came to consume too much at lunch yesterday, and also why I continued to eat at home last night even though I was farther away from hungry than New York is from San Diego. And it’s not as simple as recreational eating or eating to console an emotion gap. Because each episode of gluttony has only one common denominator, mainly, I just eat too darn much.

So if I know my triggers(sugar or anything sweet) and I know that will-power isn’t enough to keep me from said foods, why do I still come into close proximity with them? Even worse, why can’t I just have a little taste and throw the rest away? To delve into such issues would require several hours of psychoanalysis I’m not prepared to undergo at the moment. The problem persists. I still overeat, even(and especially) when I know I shouldn’t. What interests me is that were I not a heavier-set person, no one would care. But I suppose that’s another blog post entirely.

FAT. Is there a less stigmatic three letter word in the English language?

When I grow up I won’t obsess about food any longer. I won’t dream about clouds of cotton candy or eating calorie free cake. I won’t have arguments with myself about why I shouldn’t eat birthday cake or why I should eat more fruit. I won’t lie in bed with aching joints because I’ve over-exercised my body with hopes of cancelling out excess calories. And I won’t silently sob over cookie crumbs with the immense regret only a true food-obsessed person can understand.

No one ever said living a healthy lifestyle was easy. If they did, they never knew what it was to struggle with addiction of any kind.

I have been reading with interest about the epidemic of drug overdoses in the St. Louis area due to synthetic cannabis. It almost appears as if someone is manufacturing the drug to eliminate the homeless population. Is there anything more insidious? But I would argue that the makers of Oreo cookies have the same goal in mind. They have created a product that is almost utterly irresistible. Consuming Oreo cookies, if taken to its logical conclusion, will destroy the body of the consumer—albeit more slowly than a drug like K2. And yet people continue to eat them and pretend there is no ill effect. Why?

When I was heavy I used to joke around that I knew McDonald’s food was unhealthy. But I never actually believed that was true. It tasted good so therefore it was good. As I think back about my mindset, most importantly, I realize I didn’t care if it was healthy or not. I wanted it. So I bought and consumed it. But after reading David Kessler’s book on overeating, I wouldn’t walk into a McDonald’s if someone paid me money. Not if I was starving to death. Not if it was the only food left on the planet. (Okay, maybe I would but for the sake of dramatic license just go with it) The point is greed is indiscriminate. Whether it be money or food or power or sex, greed has tentacles with particularly venomous suction cups attached that will kill us if we cave in. And so if you are not fighting against it, it is destroying you. Your body is the ship being dragged to a watery grave. And while you may “live” as a drowned person until the ripe old age of 60 or 72 or even 103, you are, in essence, dead.

I have a lot of coping mechanisms to help me deal with food addition. I specifically employ them after I have been negligent in my duties to surrender my sin(greed and gluttony) to the only wise God who is able to deliver me from them. It’s all part of the “save myself” mentality the world so readily offers as the remedy for FAT. I have been absolutely sick with myself since I started eating cookies over the weekend until I finally ran out on Sunday night. And so today at lunch I poked my head into the only book I knew would help with that. And I’ll be honest; I didn’t want to go there. I wanted the quick fix. I wanted to escape into a land of fantasy(television). I wanted to exercise the guilt away. But, when I really want to fix my disordered eating patterns, I go to the only place that tells me the truth and offers a suitable remedy…