Archive for the The Journey Category

So the holidays are over and everyone is talking about New Year’s Resolutions, many of which center around body shape and size. I can usually gauge the attitude of my peers by the advertisements I see online and on television. They run something along the lines of, “Hey, Fatty! Did you eat too much? Have I got a pill/gym membership/diet for you!” It’s insulting really, and yet it is quite effective. These advertisements exploit our insecurities for a profit. At best they offer a temporary solution. At worst, they rob us of our hard earned dollars and affect no change. For that reason and many others, I really want to resolve not to make resolutions.

But it’s not that simple. The never-ending project that is my body demands attention. And while images of six pack abs and toned thighs don’t chaff me like they used to, I am keenly aware I still have a lot of work to do. But how do I set my barometer? Should I measure myself against the models I see depicted in modern media? Against my friends? Against my family? More importantly, in order to achieve results, how do I formulate an attack against my vices? If I resolve to be kinder to my neighbors, how do I formulate a plan for jerks that cut me off in traffic and signal after the fact with their middle finger? Or how do I make—and stick to—a solid plan to get 8 hours of sleep a night? To be honest, once I start thinking about all the things I need to do to live a healthier lifestyle, I get a little overwhelmed. Now maybe you’ve never had that problem. Maybe you bounced out of your mother in perfect form. If that is the case, bless you. Go in peace. If not, read on.

I struggle daily with temptation. The list is so long I couldn’t possible include all of it here, but for the sake of argument I’ll state the obvious, the temptation to find satisfaction in food is a doozy. If I am lax for a moment, the monkey jumps on my back and takes me down. Now I’ll be candid, I don’t like monkeys. Monkeys are stinky and they throw their own poo. I also happen to think they are ugly. I like animals. I like birds. I even like fish. I do not like monkeys. Eh hem. Back to the subject matter at hand. Where was I? Oh, yes. Overeating!

I was very disciplined for the month of December. I made dozens of cookies for my family and friends(Obviously this makes me two-faced and evil since I preach self-control and the ills of consuming sugar, but I digress!). I resolved not to eat a single cookie and stuck to that plan for a good, long while. At least until I fulfilled a family obligation to visit an all you can eat Chinese Buffet the weekend after Christmas. I thought I was safe. I thought, I’ll sample a little of everything and just enjoy feasting for an hour. I was feeling confident because I lost 5 pounds in December. I thought, how bad could enjoying one meal be? But after 4 trips to the buffet even my children were astounded by my ability to eat. The embarrassed looks weren’t enough and so they began chiding me openly.

“C’mon, Mom! How much more are you going to eat?”

And I just kept nibbling and tasting until every corner of my stomach was filled – all 57 of them. I had decided going into that meal that I would relax and just enjoy myself. After all, I had skipped breakfast and rode my bike 28 miles that morning. If that didn’t earn me a hearty feast I don’t know what would! I resolved that once the feast was over, I would be done. Easy, right?

Well, not so much. When I got home my sweet tooth reminded me of the left-over cookies and, well, since my sweet tooth and the monkeys are in cahoots, I was hogtied and walloped before you could say, “C’mon, Mom! How many more cookies are you going to eat?”

And that, my friends, is how I gained 5 pounds in 2 days and effectively negated all of my hard work in the month of December.

No wonder when people start talking about resolutions, I tend to roll my eyes(though I am definitely resolving to try not to roll my eyes because it’s rude and I definitely need to resolve to not be rude). But it’s important for me to remain diligent to my goals. I want to keep my body in the best physical condition I can for as long as I can and that requires something more potent than a simple resolution.

Next time…Forget resolutions, what is your real purpose?

I was standing in Sam’s Club at the counter in the Tire Department. It was the day after Christmas and I was tired. All of my children were sitting in my husband’s truck ready and eager for the Christmas celebration with their grandmother. We were an hour late and we were hungry. We were standing there with the tire we had purchased three months prior–the tire that was now flat. I had called before we drove up there in our one remaining vehicle to ensure we could get it fixed. You see, our two other vehicles are broken down and have been for several weeks(another story for another day). I had been running a quick errand when we inadvertently ran over a strip of roofing nails. The tire was ruined. Thank goodness my husband thought enough to keep a spare handy.

It was about 5:00pm and the woman behind the counter was flustered. She was helping the customer in front of me and taking a very long time doing so. In between friendly gesticulations to her, she would shout at the long line of customers(myself included), “We close at 7:00pm! I can’t take any more vehicles tonight because I want to leave at 7:00pm.” I looked over at my husband and he at me. The ridiculousness of our situation was maddening. We just wanted to drop the tire off and be one our way. Instead, we were standing in line listening to a crabby, underpaid Sam’s Club employee refuse to take care of us. And she was adamant about it. She proceeded to start doing paperwork and even went so far as to call other customers on the telephone. She insisted on acting as if we weren’t present at all. But I continued to wait. Because I was darn well going to leave my tire there(because I bought it there) and she was darn well going to help me. I am certain my face was pinched. My husband was one pulsing vein away from a brain aneurysm. But we stood our ground and refused to be turned away.

And then suddenly the woman behind me said, “Hey, are you Margaret?” And I turned to see an old friend from Ferguson, a woman I used to chat with frequently and who knew me before I began my journey to live a healthy lifestyle. She began to say all manner of nice things to me, including that she loved reading my column, Ferguson by Foot. And I was instantly grateful that I hadn’t made a scene by poking the Sam’s Club employee in the eye or cursing her cat, or stomping like Rumpelstiltskin. And so we stood there and had a nice little chat about Ferguson and neighbors we loved and lost. And finally the woman behind the counter decided she did indeed have time to take care of us. I said goodbye to my friend and we began the trip back to Ferguson to see family.

Let me start by saying I don’t believe in bad luck. AND! A lot of stuff has broken down on me this year. Between laptops, phones, cars and tantruming children, I have every reason to dance the “poor, poor pitiful me” jig. On top of that, we have seen my niece robbed and run over with a car, my grandmother break her leg and spend time in rehab, and numerous friends receive a diagnosis of cancer. It is not without a sense of irony that I watch as people grieve the death of celebrities. And then I stop and reflect that I too have every reason to be “done” with 2016. But, as I told my friend in line at the Sam’s Club Tire Department, “I still have joy.” And that means that regardless of my circumstances, I can celebrate.

How, you might ask, is that even possible?

If you read this blog regularly you might know where I’m going with this…

But it’s because of Jesus. I truly delight in Jesus. When I rest fully in Him, I experience joy and peace that have no measure. He is the greatest gift of all. And so when all of the circumstances in my life lead me to misfortune(broken cars) and illness(cancers), I look to him and I smile. Because He has been with me all along. He has never left my side. He is a faithful friend indeed.

Today we are celebrating the end of 2016. In the middle of our family celebrations I received some news that cut straight to my heart. Little do people sometimes understand how deeply words can wound or how desolate the word-hearer can become after the word bomb has exploded. And there was literally nothing I could say in return. So I just sat there. And I sobbed internally. And then I prayed. In distress and in sorrow, I can call out to my Heavenly Father for help. And this matters. It is important. Because God is not a figment of my imagination. He is not an imaginary friend. He is real and He is absolutely present in my life. He hears my cries for help and He answers me. And no one and no thing can ever steal Him away. I am His and He is mine. And that means joy is always an option. I can have have joy always–even when the worst news comes, even when all the vehicles break down, even when my heart is broken. Because God is the source of all joy. I am His child, He gives it to me freely so I am never in need of it.

Some years back I was grieving a particularly difficult period in my life. The desolation was so complete I could do little other than sit in my house and cry. One day as I lay in bed, I heard a bird singing. I looked out of the front window to find the source of the song. It was the dead of winter. Cold, gray clouds swam by overhead and even the thermometer shivered. And there I was, listening to this strange, happy song. I was surprised when I found the source: a little Carolina Wren. It was pecking through the woodpile on my front porch and singing intermittently. I sat and watched it for a long time and marveled. Now every time I see a wren I am reminded that we all have a choice. We can sigh or we can sing. Today, I choose to sing.

“Frail children of dust, and feeble as frail, in you do we trust, nor find you to fail. Your mercies, how tender, how firm to the end, our Maker, Defender, Redeemer and Friend!” – Robert Grant

We are fortunate when our paths are smooth, but we rarely give thanks. We look at the blue sky as if it were our due—as if we deserve such beauty. But should the dark clouds roll in, we hustle and crab, gripe and moan. Sometimes we are given a great and wonderful gift; the ability to see this world as it truly is, including our relationship to it. By that I mean that this world is broken and we in turn are buried beneath the weight of that brokenness.

As I write this, someone I love dearly is undergoing brain surgery. The doctors have shaved the beautiful hair from her head and they are using instruments to try to remove a significant tumor. And I suppose it would be easy to put my faith in the finest medical doctors utilizing the most modern technology available to remove the mass and save the life of my friend, but I don’t. Because the doctors are just people, and the instruments they use consist of molecules and atoms.

If I place my faith in the doctors, the machines and the instruments, I founder. A co-worker stopped by with his assessment of the situation. “She is laying on a cold, hard slab of metal and we are all waiting to see what will happen.” Time plus matter plus chance indeed.

I felt the gravity of his fear pulsing like waves in my direction. After all, any surgery has inherent risks. He asked me a question with great sincerity, “Are they prepared for the worst?”

It is a question we should all be asking on a regular basis because, if we are honest, tomorrow is guaranteed to no one. And while no one likes to think about it, death comes to all of us at some point. Sure, we console ourselves with the idea of living a long life and have plenty of time to prepare. We assume cancer will never happen to us or that a stroke won’t cripple us. That happens to other people. So when tragedy strikes, we are shattered. Today if you are reading this and you have never considered your future, stop and make an honest assessment, are you truly prepared to die?

There once lived a man named Jesus who spoke these words about death. “And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather fear him who can destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. So everyone who acknowledges me before men, I also will acknowledge before my Father who is in heaven, but whoever denies me before men, I also will deny before my Father who is in heaven.”

These are the words that came to mind as I considered the loss of my friend. I suppose some people can scrape by with well wishes and hope for a successful surgery. All I could see was the loss of someone I love and how on earth I would begin to cope with such agony.

My friend knows Jesus. So the knowledge that her body might perish does not frighten me. You see, I believe what the Bible says about death—that heaven and hell are real places—but Jesus laid down his life to save us from eternal death(hell) by paying the ultimate price for our sin. And if we know him, he will defend us before the father to ensure we do not go to that terrible place. It is not a hopeful wish. It is not a fairy story. I don’t have some vague idea that my friend will be in a better place. I am confident that should the worst possible thing happen to her, she will go to be with Jesus. And that knowledge gives me incredible joy.

There are people reading this that will think I’m a lunatic. Or they might even think I am foolish or simple-minded. After all, only simpletons believe all that old-fashioned religious stuff. But I am joyfully confident. Can the dear reader say the same?

I woke this morning from a frightful dream. In it I was torn between two loves and couldn’t make up my mind. I thought for some reason that I could maintain both and woke up in tears because I was trying to deceive each into believing I had chosen them. The soundtrack to my dream was an old hymn and I was fearfully reminded that what we worship matters.

“O worship the King all-glorious above,
O gratefully sing his power and his love:
our shield and defender, the Ancient of Days,
pavilioned in splendor and girded with praise.”

In my dream I was worshipping myself. I wanted both loves even though each person demanded fidelity. My frustration was the fruit of my selfish desire rather than the love and care of those people. As I prayed about it, I began to see that what I want is tainted by the brokenness of this world, i.e. sin. My limited perspective is guided by selfish desire, but God’s ways are higher than mine. He is not limited by the things that limit me and his purposes are not my purposes. I have to admit that I broke down into sobs. The only prayer I could pray was, “Father, have mercy on me.”

So what if my friend does not wake up? What if she is disabled? Does that make God any less good? I know from my own limited perspective that I want to see her wake up and have no remaining infirmity—as if that is the only good that can come out of such a diagnosis as a brain tumor. But when I consider that the “good” God chose to save me was to murder his son on the cross, I am certain that what I consider good and what He considers good are not the same things. So who will I worship?

Today I do not worship the doctors. I do not worship the hospital where my friend is having surgery. I do not worship the nurses, or the machines, or the drugs that enable my friend to endure a procedure pain free. As we wait on the razor edge with worry about the future, I worship the Ancient of Days. He knit my friend together in her mother’s womb. He knows every atom and molecule in her body. He knows how many hairs are on her head, even after it has been shaved. He loves her, and all those who belong to her. And He is capable of holding them all in the palm of His hands.

And lest I forget, the palms of his hands are marred by the nails of the spikes that held Him to the cross—a torturous place of contempt and shame. And because of this—because of Him—I can rest easy. Because I know how very much He loves my friend and her family. Because I know how much He loves me. He cares more about the soul than the body. And He knows what it means to suffer.

So I wait and I pray.

Because I am confident there will be good.

Because God is good.

No matter the outcome.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” – Jesus (John 14:27 ESV)