Archive for the The Journey Category

I woke this morning in the funk of disappointment and frustration. And while I wouldn’t normally share a dream with my dear readers, this one holds an object lesson for us all.

I dreamed I was getting a massage and the therapist spent the whole appointment talking to me instead of massaging. She was a very nice person and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings so I let her go, but at the tail end of my appointment, she rubbed a few muscles and then said, “I’m sorry, but we are out of time.” I tried to argue but she said she had another client waiting. So I got dressed and went to the front desk to pay for my appointment. I mentioned my frustrations to the receptionist and she offered the services of two massage therapists who happened to have time free because she didn’t want me to leave dissatisfied with my experience. When I told her my time was committed elsewhere she smiled and shrugged. “Well then, how will you be paying today?” To which I did not respond in a way that is appropriate for this blog. When I pay for services, I expect services to be rendered and I refuse to pay for my own wasted time.

I realize this is just a dream, but it mirrors many of the frustrations I face in everyday life. It’s bad enough when I waste my own time, but I get very frustrated when others waste it. On a small scale this looks like waiting in a doctor’s office for an hour and a half only to be told by said MD that my symptoms “aren’t that bad” and he will not refill a prescription that has been the only helpful medication for a miserable skin condition. On a larger scale this looks like working overtime for months on a project only to have the work dismissed by the leader who asked for it because they didn’t know what they needed in the first place. It is increasingly apparent that our self-focused society is waging war on community to the detriment of the human psyche. The majority of the time we seem to so value our own thoughts and feelings to the detriment of others. And we wonder why so many people are angry all the time.

But since we can’t change the disrespectful behavior of others, we are left to manage the damaged feelings caused by wasted time that our fellow human beings carelessly dish out. Be it the woman who cut me off in traffic on the highway yesterday and then slowed to a crawl so she could more fervently inhale her cigarette or the tantruming adolescent who spoiled family dinner because the meal wasn’t to his liking. We are always free to choose how to respond, but living in the tension between “love thy neighbor” and “smack the stuffing out of my neighbor” is quite the tight-wire walk.

And so it was this morning after the dreadful dream. I was cranky and irritable as I started my daily routine. I felt the black cloud hanging over my head from my prone position on my yoga mat and no matter how much I tried to “pep talk” myself out of it, the cloud just got drippier and more clammy with each crunch. Right about the time I had decided to quit my job and join the circus, my youngest child arrived on the scene. I had turned on a television program I hoped would encourage and inspire me but he did what all behaviorally challenged children tend to do; he began to make noises and create distractions that would make even the most stoic person want to yank their hair out in chunks. And rather than kindly say, “Honey, could you take it down a notch?” I turned into Miss Hannigan from the movie Annie and started shouting, “Kill! Kill! Kill!”

“Mommy, why do you have to be so mean?”

So after I failed one of the people I love most in the world, I finished my workout and climbed into the shower. I felt the surge of anger growing as I considered all of the injustices I deal with in life and that I was justified to scream at him the way I did. Emotions don’t generally listen to common sense though and today was no exception. Except that it did occur to me that I didn’t have to go on raging against the world because I was in a bad mood. I could in fact “turn that frown upside down” and just pretend to love everybody until the feelings followed. The problem is, that course of action felt shallow and false. So I stood there weeping while hot water (a tremendous blessing that millions of people on the planet would love to have the pleasure of and never will) streamed down my (not starving or nutritionally challenged) body while I cried because I’m in a bad mood because I don’t get what I deserve from the world.

Ahem.

It would be funny if it weren’t so sad and despicably true.

But my emotions were still crummy because I can’t turn them on and off like a light switch. And so I had to decide something very important. I could either proceed into the world full of darkness and vitriol or I could pray to a God who loves me, thundercloud heart and all. Because I had no hope of overcoming the frustration, sadness and despair that racked my person. It was too big for my faint heart. As I considered how I would face the work day and the stresses and challenges that were sure to overwhelm me, I knew I couldn’t. The reasons are many.

My life is not as I planned it. I don’t have the dream job or the dream spouse or dream children. I don’t have money to cover all the bills and a swanky vacation planned this summer. Shoot, I can’t even afford to send my children to summer camp! I’m scraping by on gristle and bone while others are eating steak and it’s just not fair! So maybe, just maybe, I do deserve a break today! Maybe I need McDonald’s fries and Chick-Fil-A ice cream and homemade chocolate chip cookies. Except that those things don’t make me happy either. So maybe I should go shopping and buy a new outfit. Except that won’t make me feel better either. And so I wept more, because if I have learned anything on this journey toward discipline it is that I can take the long and drawn out path to peace by way of sampling anesthetics or I can run to the Heart-Healer whose embrace will offer true solace during life’s most tender moments. The choice is mine. But some day’s this choice is just really, really hard.

Some emotions are too big for the standard Bible fare. This felt like one of them. And lest you compare your pain to mine, remember, pain is pain and we all bleed. Job was a man who lost all his children in one day. He lost his fortune. He lost his health. As he lay sobbing on an ash heap, his three friends came and heaped more shame on him. Regardless, he said some of my favorite words in scripture, “Though he slay me, yet I will hope in him.” (Job 13:15) I can relate to a man like that because I know that suffering produces grit. Anyone who can suffer as he did and say the wise things that he did has something to teach me. Today running to Jesus meant reading the words of Job. And I will be candid, it was much more satisfying and peace-filling than chocolate chip cookie dough.

Too many times have I visited the doctor or the grocery store and been the unwilling victim of some unhappy person spewing their unhappiness all over me. More frequently I have been the King cobra spewing my toxic venom at anyone who comes too close. The world needs fewer of us. We need more peace-proliferators and fewer peace-snatchers. We need more healers and fewer wounders. We need more forgivers and fewer seethers. But we can’t do it on our own. We can’t manufacture peace. We can’t breed love. Maybe we can pretend for a while, but when we stumble and bash our big toe, the truth comes out. And that is why I run to the Prince of Peace. He is the source of all my joy—yes, even when something as small as a bad dream sets my head on backwards. But more importantly, when I fail the ones I love most. Today if you are reading this and the cold and clammy cloud of frustrating circumstances has perched about your head, don’t lose heart. There is One whose love is mighty and pure. If you let him, He will give you the grace to endure it. And grace, when applied properly, is an not an umbrella that will stop the circumstances altogether, but rather the strong arms of a father who holds you and weeps with you.

And now I’m heading off to soak in an Epsom salt bath because I have torn something in my back and a massage is not in my price range. And while I’m doing that, I’m going to listen to Elisabeth Elliott read the words of a man I greatly admire who died at the ripe old age of 28 while seeking to share the message I’ve written in this blog with a bunch of “savages”. Would that I could be more like Jim, who was no fool; because he gave what he could not keep to gain what he could not lose.

The sun mustered an appearance this morning with a hint of lavender on the horizon. There was no dramatic splash of color or display of azure blue with fluffy white clouds to entrance me. There was only the blackness growing grayish until finally fading into a murky gray blandness atypical of November, not March. I found myself searching the horizon for a glimmer of hope because the wind was particularly harsh and I was pedaling my bicycle uphill against it. Did I also mention it was cold and my toes were numb? Now this might seem brave in the reading of this, but it certainly didn’t feel brave in the moment. In fact, I rather wished someone would pull up next to me and offer me a ride. I gladly would have taken it.

Sometimes discipline feels akin to insanity, a detail not frequently unnoticed by friends and acquaintances. If I measured the number of times people have said to me, “Margaret, you’re too hard on yourself!” I might be able to retire early (or at least pay for an extravagant vacation in some remote tropical locale). Such is the condition of modern American culture that we disdain the monotonous hard work necessary to achieve a desired result. Efficacy in the area of personal discipline frequently looks like a sprint uphill that ends in a nosedive into the dirt as we tumble back down. The unenviable backslide is not so much discussed as the kick-off or the finale. The slow and steady slog in between is boring and—if I might be so bold as to say it—hard.

I’ve been fighting the shameful backslide mentality for what feels like ever. I coast along with discipline for a while and then inevitably stumble across a batch of cookies or ice cream and even up with a nose full of dirt. Eventually I end the binge. I gather my wits and pride and try for the hundredth time because freedom is on the other side of my slavery to food. Such is my cycle of never-ending hypocrisy. What I am learning on this particularly mundane stretch of road is that I don’t have to cave in to my fleshly cravings. This realization has empowered me to resist the idea that I have no control over my thoughts or desires in regards to food, exercise, or basically, anything harmful to myself and others. Does it require intense mental focus? Yes. Does it require preparation and planning? Yes. Do I always feel like it? Heck no! Am I doing it anyway? Yes.

The three letters of the last word in the previous paragraph encompass a mentality many people are unfamiliar with. We have become entirely too comfortable with dismissing shameful behavior. We shrug it off as uncontrollable(which is a lie). Lest I state these things too bluntly, let me remind the reader that I am foremost guilty of committing abominable atrocities for the sole purpose of self-gratification. It takes a great deal of preparation and planning to commit shameful acts. They did not stumble upon me! I got into to the car and drove to Pantera’s Pizza and consumed all I could eat from the buffet and guzzled a liter of Pepsi. I then drove back to work stuffed and nearly sick but still consumed an entire bag of Nestle Caramel Treasures. And that is only a 2 hour window into the average day-in-the-life of Margaret Wolfinbarger via just a few years (and pounds) ago. The shameful mentality required to maintain the attitude that I was powerless over my food addiction was exhausting because I was constantly perpetuating a lie. I lied to myself and others and could not understand why I did not achieve different results. Think of it this way, if I planted a kernel of corn, why would I expect an apple tree to pop up?

Now I must disclaim that not every obese person eats the way I did. Some people really do have hormone imbalances and cellular diseases that prevent them from possessing slender-ish bodies. This is not meant as an indictment on heavy people. I am, however, indicting the shameful selfish and self-centered mentality that produces many forms of obesity. To worship at the altar of food to the detriment of one’s body is nothing if not shameful. One might argue that harming oneself doesn’t hurt anyone but oneself but that is a lie too. We all live in community together and our decisions always have consequences. I have friends whose children have committed suicide. Other friends have children who are addicted to drugs. People in my own family are alcoholics(albeit currently sober). And more recently, I lost a cousin to a drug overdose. Human beings do not live in silos. Our choices DO affect those around us whether we want to acknowledge it or not. And yes, this applies to even our food choices.

Think about this conversely. People commend me on my discipline and ask me to share my story with hopes that my success might inspire the same in them. People also pay good money to hear a motivational speaker. They are often so inspired by the speech that they go out and buy the book. If we can be “motivated” to live a healthy lifestyle by way of someone who has succeeded, we can also be “motivated” to live an unhealthy lifestyle by those who choose indiscipline.

I am ashamed of the ways I have harmed my family and friends via my foolish choices over the years. I have learned that acknowledging shame provokes a change in me. Because I am constantly striving to reverse the damage done by shame, I find myself almost perpetually “sober-minded”. This sober-minded mentality rubs people the wrong way. It may be that they don’t understand it. It may even be that they feel convicted by it. But I am convinced that without it I will not advance on this journey to learn discipline. Course corrections come about because of shame-filled pits. If I want to avoid them, I must go a different way.

Does this mean I never have fun? No. Does this mean I am always successful? No. Does it mean I’m going to give up any time soon? With the Lord Jesus’ help, I hope not!

Without shame I would not strive to do what is right. The wound must be diagnosed before a cure can be pronounced. But the beautiful news of the gospel is that for all of my failed striving I am loved enough to be redeemed anyway, and daily given extraordinary grace to keep walking the gray and slogging path. This means I can rejoice when I am saying no to cookies I very much want to eat and yes to a cold and windy bike ride because it forces me to draw nearer to my Savior for help. Yes, shame is powerful and important, but especially in regards to the knowledge that it can be overcome and even erased. To remain in that place of shame is folly, but the knowledge that I am not a slave to it is even more wonderful.

Sometimes the cold and windy days hit like a sledge hammer. They pound and flatten everything happy in my heart. But even then I am reminded of the promises of my King. He has never failed me. He has been by my side every step of this journey and with his help I have accomplished much more than I ever would have dreamed. When I was overweight, I honestly never believed I could live a healthy lifestyle for the rest of my life. Now I know differently. Yes, I had to experience the shame of choices that led to obesity, but then because of His extraordinary grace I was privileged to experience the joy of overcoming it.

I would like to share the story of my good friend, Janice Skaggs. She is a co-worker and someone who inspires me daily with her positive attitude and sheer grit. By grit I mean that she is fighting the good fight to keep off the weight that she lost in spite of our corporate culture of all-you-can-eat sweets. When I am really struggling, Janice is my go to gal. She listens when I need to complain, and brings me cherry tomatoes when she knows I need a little pick-me-up. I love Janice, and not just because she lost the weight and is keeping it off, but because her heart is even more beautiful than her face. In short, I adore her! After you read her story, I bet you will too.

I understand you first began your journey to improve your health in 2012. What was your initial motivation to do so?

In the summer of July 2011, I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer and the cure was to have a hysterectomy. After 12 years of on and off fertility treatments, my husband and I made the decision to go ahead with the hysterectomy in August 2011. My husband said, “What good would a baby do for us, if you are not here to be our babies mom?” In order to live my life cancer free that is what I had to do. So from August 2011 to February 21, 2012, I ate my sadness, and my life was a mess. I was tired of how I looked and how I felt. I decided that I was lucky to survive cancer, and even though there is no guarantee that I will never have cancer again, I have promised myself that I will never have cancer because of my obesity.

What was your starting weight?

384. REALLY 384!

What did you find most challenging both mentally and physically at the beginning of your journey?

Getting my mindset straight that I am worth the time it takes to food prep, exercise, and generally take care of myself. Physically the exercise was VERY hard. I weighed 384 pounds and so when I first started walking it was only 10-20 minutes a day. Then I started water walking, aqua Zumba, and Zumba. But I will admit I was so self-conscious of how I looked. I still am! When you lose almost 200 pounds, you do not automatically look like the models on magazines or like movie stars. There is extra skin and flab. My brain still sees a 384 pound person in the mirror at times. That is something I am constantly working on for myself to OWN my weight loss, and be proud of myself!

I know you’ve had periods of re-gain(as we all have). Why do you keep trying?

I keep trying because I realize I am worth it. I love being healthy, having more energy, and feeling good about myself. Exercise is time consuming and, just like everyone, I get busy. It is challenging to squeeze in the time to take care of myself but I make the time because I want to be healthy.

What do you struggle with most food-wise/exercise-wise?

Food can be challenging. When you lose weight and realize you can eat a few things that are treats and get by without gaining weight, then you want to eat a bit more. Then I will see it on the scale and realize that’s not working for me. I say, “OH NO…stop it Janice!!!” I LOVE food, and I can get creative with cutting calories and cooking lighter and healthier, but it does take time!

The statistics are not good for people who lose vast quantities of weight. They usually gain it back plus some. Why do you feel you have not fallen into this category/statistic?

I was miserable when I was heavy. I did NOT like myself, I didn’t like my laziness or my giving up attitude. I promised myself as I was losing the weight that I would NOT ever do that to myself again because I never want to self-cause cancer in my body again! I have to put myself first; before my husband, my family, even my friends. If I don’t put myself first, I get lazy. I LOVE to take care of people, but if I don’t take care of myself I can’t do anything for anyone else.

How do you handle temptation to eat foods you know will trigger overeating episodes? What do you do after you’ve “failed” in this regard?

I try to stay away from foods that send me over the top. Like ice cream, cookies, chocolate, and breads. But every now and then I will allow myself to eat something like that but within reason so I don’t get carried away. It’s happened. I’ve caved in and went through the drive-thru at McDonald’s or Chick-Fil-A and then went on to eat ice cream, or cookies and candy. But when I fail and start to gain some weight, I remind myself how much I enjoy being able to walk into Kohls or Macy’s and find clothing in my size, or how I feel when I exercise. For example, when I was heavy just walking from the parking lot into work hurt my feet, knees, and ankles. Now I can walk up the steps or walk many miles without hurting. I have to remind myself often and stay accountable to myself by weighing daily. I know some folks say that is not wise because and our weight fluctuates but I need to see the numbers on the scale to help me stay in line!

What activities do you enjoy that contribute to the motivation to stay healthy as opposed to falling back into binging/couch-potato-ing?

I love to walk outside, hike, swim, and shop. I do not allow myself to sit and couch-potato until after I have prepped my food for the following day, gotten my clothes together for the gym the next morning, and work for the following day. I typically only allow myself to sit on the couch and do NOTHING for 60 minutes per day!

How do you feel about yourself in correlation to the perception the media and society in general project via the image of the “ideal woman”?

It has taken me some time to realize I will NEVER be a size 2 and I am okay with that! I feel great, have lots of energy, and LOVE motivating other people. That is truly what I live for. It is annoying to me that the media and society in general expect women to have PERFECT bodies! Really, what is a perfect body? I feel like I am average some days, and then others I feel like Wonder Woman because losing almost 200 pounds and keeping it off is something to be truly proud of. I AM really proud of myself.

Tell me about how you deal with the mental part of maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

Maintaining a healthy lifestyle is tough. It can be annoying to others that I need to constantly prepare for upcoming events. On Sunday evenings I get my husband’s and my breakfast, lunches, and some dinners prepped the best I can. Unfortunately, fresh food doesn’t last as long as processed food. I portion out our foods and get them ready for the week. This way we can easily grab what we need instead of being tired after a long day at work and make a hasty decision to run through a fast food restaurant. This lifestyle is NOT easy and I would NEVER tell anyone it is. It takes determination, but the way I feel when I have our meals organized and know what I will be eating throughout the day, is the only way I can make this healthy lifestyle work for me. I force myself to input what I eat into my log, no matter if I go over my allotted calories for the day or not. This is what keeps me motivated. I also use the log to learn about myself. It enables me to see why I get off course because of what was going on with me at the time.

So there you have it. Now you understand a little bit why Janice is my hero! Be encouraged and inspired. If Janice can do it, you can too!