Archive for the The Journey Category

“Living my life in a slow hell. Fueling up on cocaine and whiskey. Fueling up on heartaches and cheap wine. I was headed to church – I was off to drink you away.” – Kid Rock & Sheryl Crow

I recently watched a Wall Street Journal Moving Upstream video titled, “Warning Signs: A theory of America on the Edge.” It featured Sir Angus Deaton and his wife Anne Case as they discussed their research at Princeton on what is behind the rise of suicide rates in America. They presented a provocative case. Suicide rates for white people in America have been on the rise since 2002 and are now at a staggering 50-54 deaths per 100,000 individuals. When asked by host, Jason Bellini, for reasons why this phenomenon is happening, the scholars started by explaining that we have a spiritual crisis that is particular to North America. Anne quantified this as perpetuated by the Evangelical Church in America and their focus on a personal relationship with God as a Savior as opposed to other denominations (Catholics, for instance) who are more socially inclined and focus less on “religious observance.” They specifically talked about a “spiritual migration” indicative of the way churches change the way faith connects in the community. Namely, they are not positively contributing as they have in the past.

At the very end of the show, Mr. Bellini asked the viewer, “Is the isolation and despair of so many people in this country pushing us toward some sort of crisis?” It is a question we can’t ignore.
Sir Angus Deaton connected suicide and opioid addiction as close to the same thing and so I turned to another Moving Upstream video where I watched heroin addict, Hannah Goldsberry, discuss her need for medication assisted treatment after her fourth near-fatal overdose. Curiously, she began her story discussing depression, even as the doctor responsible for her treatment said, “We’re not going to talk about that right now” and went on to talk about pharmaceuticals. I’m not discounting the need for people who suffer from depression to seek help from medication, but I would like to suggest that real and lasting hope for those who suffer does not come from a pill.

But what is this hope of which I speak?

I recently watched a Laura Ingraham “interview” on the use of the words “In God We Trust” which are prominently displayed in City Council chambers in the City of Wentzville, Missouri. Laura interviewed a St. Charles County resident, Sally Hunt, an avowed atheist, regarding her stance on the separation of church and state and her insistence that the words “In God We Trust” be removed because she and other atheists find them offensive. From the very outset of the interview Laura and her guest, Bob Onder, sneered at Sally, and it became clear (at least to me) that Laura only had her on only to humiliate her position. I find this disrespectful exchange very prevalent in society at large. Each person takes a stance on their personal position and defends it by insulting the person of opposing belief. This usually manifests in name calling, bullying and hateful vitriol by both parties because neither are willing to say, “we agree to disagree” by respecting the other person’s belief system. This particular discussion inevitably lead back the writers of the American Constitution and their perceived intent when they wrote it. It seems that all laws, even the American kind, begin with some sort of want for civil order, and suggest that in order to have civilized society, we need to abide by them.
Why do I mention this discourse? Because, and no disrespect to Sally Hunt and other non-believers, I don’t know how human beings can hope without faith in a God that created all things.

Still, I am respectful of thought that opposes my personal belief system. I read with interest about “unrealistic optimism” on big think. Atheists and agnostics alike accuse Christians of delusional hope. After all, they posit no one has empirically proved the existence of God. And so, by their standards, I can easily understand why it feels fruitful to live as if every day is ones last and therefore pursue pleasure as a source of fulfillment. But when I read De Profundis, which was written by a heartbroken Oscar Wilde, even he said, “There is something so unique about Christ. He is just like a work of art. He does not really teach one anything, but by being brought into his presence one becomes something.” He wrote this about St. Francis of Assisi, who “took in mystical marriage, poverty as his bride with the body of a beggar, and found the way to perfection not difficult.”

When I listen to modern music I find an interesting contrast in the ways different people respond to heartbreak/despair. In the popular song, “Picture”, by Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow, they discuss the breakdown of a relationship and the way each person manages their suffering. R.J. Ritchie (Kid Rock) uses cocaine and whiskey while Sheryl Crow goes to church. Pain is a very real part of life that causes us to question not only our existence but also our place and purpose in the world. We can easily discuss the existence of God in a clinical environment until our hearts are broken.

I think despair is often the result of intense longing; the response to a perpetually broken heart. I would like to postulate that the only true antidote to despair is hope, but not hope in the traditional way that people think of the meaning of the word.
A friend of mine recently entered into discourse with me on the meaning of hope. She said, “Hope has actually been redefined by people (and even the dictionary) to mean its exact opposite. People use the word hope in a way that implies uncertain possibility and they say it in the spirit of doubt most of the time. The dictionary actually wrongly defines it as a desire with expectation, which gives the impression that it is comprised of two different entities that might not work together for the desired outcome.” She goes on to say that she would like to redefine hope as “the joyful expectation of desire fulfilled” which “should only ever be used in the spirit of confidence and true belief as opposed to an uncertain and doubtful spirit and sometimes even in resignation.”
I want to ask an honest question, what do atheists and agnostics hope for?

I am a Christian. By that I mean that I follow the teachings of Jesus Christ. I believe God created the world and that Jesus, who was God, entered into the world to save condemned sinners from eternal separation from him. I perceive God as just in condemning our sin because we have broken the ten laws he gave us (the Ten Commandments). Jesus offered forgiveness from these sins as long as people believed that he was God in order to be saved from (eternal separation from Him) hell. He then commands those who believe in and love him to go out into the world and do good deeds—not that they might be saved—they are already saved, but because of their love for him, in order that those good works would inspire hope in the hearts of despairing people and that they too would believe in him and accept his love and forgiveness.

Jesus Christ is why I hope. He is the promise of all that is good in the world. He condemns murder, envy, disregard of parents and even adultery; in essence, all that is wrong (causing so many broken hearts) in modern society. But, amazingly, He also says he will pardon us for disregarding the laws laid out at the beginning of the world because of his deep love for human beings. He is a paradigm of holy contradiction, going so far as to willingly die for those who offended him most. Therefore, Christians (those who follow his teachings and aspire to be like him) must willingly do the same, something St. Francis of Assisi aspired to do.

Many self-proclaimed “Christians” misinterpret the true gospel (which means good news) as mere rules to be kept (much like the Pharisees of Jesus day) and many atheists and agnostics perceive their hypocrisy and hate them for it. The spiritual crisis contributing to our social crisis of despair is one and the same. Human beings are by nature self-concerned creatures who do not love God nor want to know him. They exist in a prideful state whereby they believe they are self-sustaining and therefore in control of their destinies. They have no reason to hope outside of themselves until pain—via a broken heart or body—causes them to recognize their complete helplessness and begin to search outside of themselves for the antidote to despair. In the midst of this they harm their fellow humans in a multitude of ways.

For that reason I believe Sir Angus Deaton is right that the evangelical church has contributed to the breakdown of spiritual social society in America. How will people find or experience God if the people who claim to know Him are self-righteously hateful? Jesus fundamental message was one of love and hope. He physically healed sick people and offered forgiveness to those who were sick at heart. And, importantly, while America claims to be “one nation under God” we have not evidenced it by our actions; namely, we have not loved well. And, much like Robin Williams, who spent his life entertaining and putting on a show, we are on the inside despairing, and therefore we commit suicide at an alarming rate.

For this reason alone I believe Sally Hunt is right to criticize our use of “In God we Trust.” But if given the chance, I would ask her… For all your passionate insistence in the right to believe God does not exist, and your striving not to be offended by those who do, where is your love for other people? Where is your kindness for those in your community? How are you making the lives of those around you better with your message? You believe we should all be entitled to unrestricted sex, but R. J. Ritche (Kid Rock) proves via his song “Picture” that sex and love are not synonymous and in fact contribute to broken hearts. Please show me your cure for the broken heart when even Sheryl Crow suggests it can be found in church.
Despair is a real problem in America, as evidenced by the newspaper headlines. At the same time, human beings continue their pursuit of pleasure, proving only that it is a mediocre distraction from our real affliction. I may convince no one with my pitiful attempt to mitigate despair with hope, but I will not “go gentle into that good night,” but instead continue to point to the way, the truth and the light.

I Peter 1:20 “He was foreknown before the foundation of the world but was made manifest in the last times for the sake of you who through him are believers in God, who raised him from the dead and gave him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God.

Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. For by it the people of old received their commendation. By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God, so that what is seen was not made out of things that are visible.”

You’ve done everything right. You measured your boneless, skinless, chicken breast down to the ounce. You counted your green beans. You did not eat the extra helping of brown rice. In fact, you even exercised on your rest day and skipped dessert for two weeks straight. Still, the scale won’t budge. So you stand there staring at it, having emptied your bladder, stripped off every stitch of clothing and maybe even cut off a few pieces of hair. But the stupid scale says the same thing it did last week or maybe even the week before that. No change. Or worse, maybe you even gained a few ounces.

Congratulations! You have reached that dreaded milestone called “the plateau.” It’s a barren place, filled with prickly cacti, stinky dead fish, and the bleached bones of your goals grinning at you from the blistering hot sand.

So let’s be candid, you are really aggravated—so much so—that you are at this moment driving to Chick Fil A to make up for lost time. French fries and fried chicken it is. And don’t forget the best part, the vanilla ice cream cone. Because doggone it, you deserve better than a measly 12.8 pounds lost, and as Obi Wan Kenobi once said, “These are not the results you’re looking for.”

But before you gobble all that garbage, let’s pause and contemplate. Did Superman stop fighting for truth, justice and the American way when faced with a giant helping of kryptonite? Did Jan Baalstrud quit when faced with snow-blindness, frostbite and starvation? Or maybe less obscure, did Sam Gamgee give up on the mission when his best friend Frodo gave into temptation and decided to keep the ring after all?

Several people have approached me in recent days and asked for my advice on how to escape the plateau of madness. Rest assured I have stood on that dreadful precipice more times than I care to remember. I even aimlessly wondered if my weight loss dreams had come to an end. But take heart, diet-sufferers! There is hope (and not of the “death by chocolate” variety). You CAN escape the plateau of madness. You CAN achieve your weight loss goals. You CAN resist the temptation to slip back into old habits.

First and most importantly, one must realize that the body is a very resourceful machine. Therefore, once it learns that body mass is diminishing, it learns something interesting; “Hey! I can be conservative!” The more resourceful the body, the fewer calories it needs. Also, the majority of the weight you lost that first month might actually have been water weight and now you’ve settled in to hard core burning fat mode. Also, I hate to break it to you, (please don’t hit me!) but unlike those television programs that make weight loss look fast and easy, it isn’t. As your body adjusts to functioning on fewer calories with a higher nutrient content, it is slowly figuring out a new normal. Years of giving in to instant gratification has wreaked havoc on your brain. So you may think those pesky pounds should just slip off as easily as you slipped them on but the reality is more sobering.

So stop the car! Do not eat those French fries! Because if you go for the gorge you will only undo all the hard work you’ve put in thus far. This is not a fad diet. And if it is, stop it now. If you truly want to lose weight you need to make permanent lifestyle changes. No one ever said it would be easy and if they did, they were selling something.

Now that you have stopped the car and are sitting on the side of the road, take a deep breath and relax. Ignore those vehicles that are honking. They can wait. If you have hit the plateau of madness, it’s time to take a self-evaluation. I know, it doesn’t sound very exciting but it is important nonetheless.

Revisit why you began this journey in the first place

Has anything changed since you started working to remove the excess poundage? Do you want it to stay gone forever or do you want it to come back? Think of those pounds like the sinister villain in a shady detective novel. James Moriarty was the arch nemesis of Sherlock Holmes. Just when Holmes thought he had defeated him and his criminal organization forever, James grabbed Holmes and pulled him off a cliff.

Not unlike Moriarty, we are often defeated by our previous bad habits. We think we can eat a cheeseburger and get back on track the next day. But then a day turns into a week and a week turns into a month and suddenly we have regained each and every sinister pound. But take heart! This does not have to be the case. We do have power over our choices! Our preferences do not have to make us slaves to our passions. We can break free. Do not listen to the discouraging words you hear whispered into your mind out there on the barren range in the plateau of madness. You will break through this plateau, even if you have to poke every McDonald’s employee in the eye in the process. (Though I do not advocate assaulting fast food workers in order to avoid eating greasy unmentionables.)

Revisit your goal

Now that you have revisited where you came from, think about where you want to go and be realistic. If you want to look like Cindy Crawford I have bad news for you… But seriously, if your goal is to lose 15 pounds or 102 pounds, your goal hasn’t changed. Keep your eye on the prize and remember you did not get here by eating French fries and ice cream.

Revisit how you got to the plateau in the first place

How did you feel when you lost that first 5 or 10 pounds? Has anything changed since then? Would you negate that success just because you’re discouraged today? Celebrate your successes! Rejoice that you have conquered part of the mountain. Remember you are on a journey, not a sprint. And no, your life is not like a paperback novel. You cannot lose weight and still eat cheeseburgers and fries every day. Besides, if you could, you wouldn’t be reading this blog entry.

I remember reading Stieg Larsson’s “The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet’s Nest” and rolling my eyes at one of the characters. Mikael Blomkvist’s blond cop girlfriend was described as working out at the gym compulsively, so much so that she could eat “whatever she wanted”. I remember thinking, “Sure she can because SHE’S NOT REAL.” But I digress.

Shake it off!

Burn-out, that is. Your compulsion to re-poison your body with high calorie food may be a symptom of lifestyle change burnout. After all, you miss those oldies but goodies. But remember, M&M’s, chocolate shakes and endless tacos did not make you happy. Grieve the loss of them and move on. And don’t pick up that diet Coke either. It’s filled with enough sodium to destroy any hope of weight loss no matter how healthy Coca Cola Company purports it to be. (Remember, they are selling something!!) Sodium is salt. Salt dehydrates. Fat cells need water to flush them out. Whenever I drink water I imagine my fat cells melting away. Hey, it doesn’t hurt to dream, right? But there is some science that backs it up.

Get excited

So you’ve hit a little bump in the road. That doesn’t mean you need to go back to the beginning. Start where you are. Living a healthy lifestyle should never be boring. Switch things up. If you are fresh out of ideas, visit Pinterest and see what others are cooking and finding success with. After that, try a new workout. When it’s too cold in the winter I have fun with step aerobics. Cathe Friedrich is my go-to guru for fun and challenging workouts. And if you can’t muster the energy to make exercise fun, get angry and then use that anger to break through that plateau. I distinctly remember running around my basement with earbuds in at 5:00am while I listened to Maroon 5 and punched out every inkling to eat from my psyche like they were one of the girls who broke Adam Levine’s heart. I don’t eat things I don’t like. I don’t do workouts that are miserable (at least not unless I’m torturing myself for overdosing on cookies as a form of motivation). And I always feel better after I get my sweat on.

Relax

Listen, maybe you just need to get some sleep. I know it sounds silly, but it’s true. When the body is stressed out it remains in fight or flight mode and hangs onto to fat. Now maybe I am the only person on the planet who loses weight when I go on vacation, but I do. I always lose between 5-10 pounds when I have a week off and get at least 8-9 hours a night. I attribute that to rest and relaxation. Try it. Even if you don’t lose any weight, you’ll still feel better. Sleep has an amazing effect on a tired body.

And most importantly of all, never stop trying. If you regress, try try again! Don’t let the plateau of madness hurl you into the abyss of permanent weight gain. That place is a swamp. You’ve been there, done that, and (hopefully) burned the t-shirt. Today if you are seeking comfort on the barren plains of the plateau of madness, don’t lose heart. You need that heart to hike the rest of the way and Chick Fil A will not get you there. It won’t improve your mood no matter what those cows promise. There is real hope. And remember, we are in this together. If you think I’ve “arrived” just because I’ve been at this a smidgen longer than you have, stop by some of my other entries. I’m still trying to lose my cookie pounds from Christmas!

Onward and upward, my friends! (oh, and you can pull back into traffic now in the opposite direction of those pesky cows!!)

“The soul becomes dyed with the color of its thoughts.” Marcus Aurelius

The color of the sky shifts with the wind. One moment the sky is gray. The next minute it is blue. Last night I stood and stared at the post-sunset sky and marveled at the varying shades of gray. Great billowy white clouds had marked the day, but in the night they were more ominous as they punctuated a restless sky. As cooler winds chased away warmer temperatures, I search for the waxing crescent moon but instead found only a tapestry of cloud cover. Still, my hopeful heart was undaunted. I knew the moon and stars were only out of sight and not gone forever.

I have struggled in recent days to feel hopeful. Not unlike those heavy clouds, the stresses of life have been threatening. Events like the death of a good friend, deadlines at work and anxiety that causes restless nights. My would-be productive days are instead wrecked by exhaustion. I’m certain the dear reader could insert his or her own set of faltering circumstances. Beth Moore’s beloved bird dog was torn apart by coyotes. Others watch a child endure painful cancer treatments. Death looms. When it strikes it forces us to pause and grieve, but then we have to go on living.

Have you ever grown tired of your circumstances, thrown your hands into the air and said, “I’m done!”? I had a moment recently when disappointment fueled a sharp burst of anger and prompted me to collapse into my chair. My thoughts caved in like an avalanche, along with my steely resolve. I said to myself, “What am I doing here? I don’t like this place. It’s messy and uncomfortable. I want to leave!” I looked out of the window at a blue sky and was tempted to run. The problem is, I may be able to run away from my location but I can’t run away from myself.

Knowing that I should not physically run away at that point in time, my mind drifted to other “reliefs”. Wave after wave of wanting ice cream swept over me and I was overwhelmed with desire. I know in my mind, however, that ice cream will not fix my situation. And so I buckled myself into my uncomfortable seat and prayed, “God help me!” And when the feelings did not subsist, I turned to the walls around me, screaming in my mind for relief. Such was the weight on my shoulders that I wondered how I could possibly move forward and not give in.

The book of 2 Corinthians starts with, “Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction…” I read and re-read those words. One could say I chewed on them. And, if I am to be totally candid, I held onto a cookie. I wanted to trust God to walk with me down the painful path but I needed the cookie too. I stood at the edge of an emotional cliff and knew I had to decide to stand firm or jump.

I know what jumping feels like and so I reviewed the many years I spent “jumping”. In the blink of an eye I saw myself lying in bed with M&M’s. I saw the White Castle chocolate shakes and romantic comedies. I saw Molly Ringwald, Eric Stolz, and Johnny Depp. They promised an escape which never came. I saw failed relationships on which I had hung so much hope. I saw sex and babies and the shiny new job that was so filled with promise. And that is when, with great determination, I turned away from the cliff.

The comfort spoken of in 2 Corinthians is real and true but it does not always relieve the physical agonies we face. The burden of depression and anxiety, for example, do not respond well to words written on a page. They argue back. And that is why this past Sunday morning I peeled myself from beneath my bed sheets and climbed aboard my bicycle rather than going to church. I needed medicine that would not be found among people. I find no guilt in resting on Sunday, even if the rest is only for my mind. I put on my favorite audible book and listened to the story of one of my heroes, Jim Elliott, and his singleness of purpose to live his life fully to the glory of God. When I lose hope it helps me to look to the encouraging stories of others who have persevered and pushed through.

Now maybe you are reading this and thinking that the Bible is not true and filled with inaccuracies. Or maybe you believe there is no God. And you might even think I’m a wacko that’s been brainwashed by cultish believers with an underlying agenda to undermine society at large. To this I would say that I am humbled and honored that you have read this far. Maybe you saw my picture and saw hope in my weight loss story. Maybe you are so far from hope that you are grasping at straws that you could ever find one ounce of strength to choose not to eat the ice cream. I write this with tears because I know how that feels. I feel it now. There is one reason and one reason only that I do not: Jesus.

Society swirls around me with all of its false hopes: Atkins, Keto, Hydroxycut, and a billion more. But the added agonies you may not be aware of are for people who lose the weight and still feel hopeless. That is when the temptations rush back in with their “promises” for relief. After all, if I’m going to feel like garbage in my heart and soul, why not eat the ice cream? (which is why I regained the weight after I lost it in 1999) That is why I cling to my love for Jesus. He is the One who opened my eyes and saved me from that cycle of addiction. He’s doing it still. He is the only reason I haven’t regained all the weight (again) and my only hope in the face of every adversity.

The world makes empty promises, but when the God of the Bible makes a promise, He keeps it.

Around 700 BC a man named Micah prophesized about a ruler that would be born in Bethlehem. He promised peace. Jesus was born in Bethlehem, just as God promised. And, quite amazingly, He offers the hand of friendship and the peace that passes understanding to those who love him and follow him. That’s it. There is no hidden motive other than a relationship with God. Some people don’t want it and I understand and respect that decision. I only write in this venue to offer hope to those who are struggling—including myself. We are not alone in our struggles. There is hope and there is help.

I am frequently guilty of allowing my thoughts to be colored by the thundercloud grays that have lined the skies in recent days. My feelings have powerful sway over my body in this regard. But when I set my thoughts higher—when I focus my attention on the Good Shepherd who lays down his life for the sheep (that’s me!)—I can’t swallow the false promises any longer. They don’t satisfy me. I need real promises.

Through the providence of God, I did not eat the ice cream and I threw my “emergency” cookie into the trash. (It was my favorite too–chocolate chip!) Hope stands in defiance of lesser things. Hope shines through the darkness when all the other lights have gone out. Hope pursues seemingly insignificant people like me and saves them from addiction, depression, suicide, and even guilt.

Today if you have lost hope, take heart. Hope in Jesus. He is easy to find.