Archive for the The Journey Category

My last two posts have been pretty candid about my recent struggles with eating. I feel weak and foolish–almost like I am starting over. Maybe the dear reader has felt this way sometimes too. If so, let’s pretend this blog is one big group hug!

This past Monday I tortured myself with the elliptical machine of doom and then took my son to Altitude Trampoline Park in O’Fallon, Missouri. No, I did not jump on the trampolines. I learned my lesson a few years ago when I attempted to do gymnastics and tore all kinds of things in my right hip while some self-righteous twenty-somethings smirked and giggled at me. I don’t plan to ever do that again. (Brats!) But I digress.

I signed my son up for a 90 minute session and then took my books and sat down at a park bench. My son was bouncing and laughing and generally having the time of his life when I decided to stand up to use the restroom. Unfortunately, something went very wrong in my spinal chord and I found that I could not stand up straight without excruciating pain. Worse, I could not walk either. I stood there feeling foolish while people pretended to ignore me because they didn’t want to get involved. Finally, I laid down on the bench until my son got his full 90 minutes worth of play and then a nice gentleman who worked at the park helped me to my car. I was horribly embarrassed and terrified I would never walk again. Pain is very humbling.

I went to the chiropractor and urgent care (just in case!) and went home with strict instructions to do ice packs and Epsom salt compresses 3-6 times per day. (These are very effective by the way!) I also had strict instructions to cool it on the exercise for a week or so. Even though I was experiencing incredible pain, I started to cry. The only thing keeping me from tremendous weight gain recently has been my exercise regimen.

I managed to get my hands on some comfort food candy while I was unable to move and added a few more pounds to my burgeoning belly. Go Margaret! (I just want to keep it real) But after that I put the kibosh on treats other than fruit and a few pieces of sugar free candy.

In the middle of my emotional breakdown and panic, I told a good friend that I was really struggling with a brownie craving. This dear woman managed to get her mother’s famous Black Bean Brownie recipe and texted it to me so I could have something chocolatey and not so toxic to my system. Today, I finally felt strong enough to stand at the sink to make it. I thought I’d shared it on my blog because they actually came out pretty good.

I decided to improvise the recipe and substituted sugar free chocolate from Trader Joe’s for the chocolate chips because I truly wanted the brownies to be sugar free. My husband told me they aren’t truly sugar free because of the honey and maple syrup. I was too chicken to try the second recipe she sent that used stevia, erythritol and prunes as sweetener. I have never used avocado oil before and found it at Aldi. I love it!

While I thought the brownies came out great, the real test was on my 10 year old son. I told him straight out, “You probably won’t like these.” That is my reverse psychology trick that I use more frequently than I probably should. But he liked them so much he at two and begged for more. The best news is, they are lower in carbs than regular brownies, which is a real help since he is a juvenile diabetic. Also, I loved that when I ate these brownies I was truly satisfied. Of course they have a different texture than regular brownies but they really satisfied my brownie craving. I will add these to my recipes page because I plan to make them again. Also, I want to shout out to Shelly Willman–my dear friend who gave me the original recipe.

When a man is getting better he understands more and more clearly the evil that is still left in him.

C. S. Lewis

When a man turns to Christ and seems to be getting on pretty well (in the sense that some of his bad habits are now corrected) he often feels that it would now be natural if things went fairly smoothly. When troubles come along-illnesses, money troubles, new kinds of temptation-he is disappointed. These things, he feels, might have been necessary to rouse him and make him repent in his bad old days; but why now? Because God is forcing him on, or up, to a higher level: putting him into situations where he will have to be very much braver, or more patient, or more loving, than he ever dreamed of being before. It seems to us all unnecessary: but that is because we have not yet had the slightest notion of the tremendous thing He means to make of us.

C. S. Lewis

So here we are a week after my last post and the temptation to eat brownies is stronger than ever. Maybe it was the stress of my morning (public speaking!) or maybe it’s the beautiful, white, fluffy snow that’s coming down like something from a Christmas Hallmark movie, but I am seriously undone. I want to eat with abandon. I want to bake and imbibe and drown in the succinct pleasure of sugar laden cakes.

I could analyze it until I’m blue in the face but that won’t help the situation. The temptation is clear and I must resist. I guess this is where I candidly admit; once a glutton, always a glutton. And since I have learned that if I’m not actively fighting against it–all is lost–I must press forward in faith.

I remember a moment early on in my journey when the temptation was chocolate chip cookie dough and I succumbed. I was halfway through eating the bowl of dough when I realized-with horror-what I was doing. I immediately threw it in the trash. Self sabotage is real and potent. No matter how sweet the dessert is, it is bitter when I consider regain and slavery. I am no longer enslaved to food-I refuse to be! But the devil whispers in my ear and I feel the lust return. If it were not for God’s incredible grace, I would be right back where I started; without hope.

It is when the temptation is greatest that I must fight the hardest. Today I turned to music. I needed something to comfort my soul. I had tried reading, watching the birds whirl around my feeders, and drinking hot tea. I asked a friend to pray for me to not make and eat brownies (accountability partners are so important!) and then I turned on some music. The very first song that played stopped me in my tracks. A lump rose in my throat. Then I started to cry. The relief was palpable.

And every sad seduction, and every clever lie,
Every word that woos and wounds the pilgrim, children of the sky
The king of love will break them by and by.

Ben Shive

This Ben Shive tune as covered by Andrew Peterson was a salve to my heart in such a weak and tender moment. It reminded me of the great truth that Christ is coming! He will rise up in the end.

Whatever you are struggling with today… be it food, alcohol, heroin or pornography; there is hope. Keep fighting. Press forward into the love of a Savior who was crushed on the cross to provide freedom for us. When the night is darkest, we all long to be saved. He stands at the ready. Look to Jesus. He is our lighthouse in the storm!

Today is a gift. I am reminded once more of my humanity and helplessness. I am also reminded I am never alone. Help is a gasping prayer away. So take heart. The cry, “God help me!” never falls on deaf ears.

Well the South side of Chicago, is the baddest part of town, and if you go down there you better just beware of a man named Leroy Brown. – Jim Croce

He’s standing in the shadows there, steely-eyed and fierce. He peers from beneath the dark gray fedora with bloodshot eyes and a hint of stale tobacco on his breath. I am walking down the sidewalk with a skip in my step and a happy song in my head until I hear him whisper, “Would you like a brownie little girl?”

My heart starts to race. I look around me to see if anyone is watching. I want the brownie, but I don’t want anyone to see me take it from him. I take a step forward. I lift my hand up. He holds out the brownie on a white porcelain plate–still warm from the oven and delectably fudgy. The smell of it rises into my nostrils and I am a pile of goo. I want it so bad I can already taste it. In fact, I may as well have, it’s just that close. Bad Leroy Brownie is at it again, and I love to hate that ugly brother.

If you are reading this and have never lusted after anything, you must be a zombie–i.e., you are dead. We all have that thing that “gets” us every time. My thing just happens to be food.

Now dear reader, lest you think I’m a big whiney baby, I am not alone. In fact, just yesterday I was on the phone with the man from tech support at work. Barney (not his real name) was working on solving my laptop issue when I heard the crinkle of plastic in the background. He said, “Oh, don’t mind that. I just need to eat a cookie.” I thought, ‘Ah, sweet cookie of gladness how I miss thee,’ but in real life I said, “That cookie is going to kill you.”

Thank goodness he didn’t hang up the phone and leave me to fix my own laptop. We had a brief chat about weight loss and regain while he ate the cookie in my ear. Then I charmed myself out of temptation by reading stories on the internet about celebrities who have undergone gastric bypass surgery; including those who found success and those who failed miserably. But stories don’t keep me from indulging any more than $23,000 cures the problem of gluttony.

Aisha Sultan from the Post Dispatch wrote an insightful article yesterday titled, “Why Can’t I lose Weight?” She lamented age as a contributor to a slowed metabolism and I could certainly relate. Sometimes I feel like if I even think about bathing in brownies, I gain weight. And this is the point in the blog where I hang my head in shame and admit that I ate a pan of brownies in December and I still haven’t lost the 5 pounds I gained from eating it. Bad Leroy Brownie stuck it to me in the keister again.

I am 9 years into my journey and I should make a few things very clear. I have established healthy habits and I am still lured by temptation. The only reason I have not gained all the weight back is because of the Holy Spirit and His restraining grace.

“The Holy Spirit causes our hearts to abound in grace and the fruits that are contrary to the flesh, and the fruits thereof and principles of them. He is the fire which burns up the very root of lust.”

John Owen

I recently explained to my grandfather that when I first began to walk and weighed 310 pounds, I listened to my bible as I walked up grueling hills. I hated to exercise so much that I needed God’s voice in my ear urging me forward. I knew He was the only one who could save me from the pit of food addiction–indeed from any and every addiction. And He did. One step at a time. One healthy choice at a time. And because he saved me from the miry depths of despair, I found a sweetness in relationship with him that I never knew before. Because only by experiencing the agony of crucifying my passions did Jesus become more real and innately precious to me.

Dear reader, if you are fighting addiction today, He is the only one who will give you sustaining relief AND joy in the process. Once I learned that abstaining from gluttony gives my Father joy, I found what truly motivates me to smear those homemade-straight-from-the-oven brownies in Bad Leroy Brownie’s face.

If you are reading this today and have an “impossible” addiction, take heart! Cry out to Jesus. Surrender your life to Him. Ask him to cure the sin in your heart and save you. He can do this. You can stop. He will help.

And lest you think I’m full of really stinky beans, I’m fighting today myself. I shoveled too much snow and then went sledding–landed hard–and bruised my tailbone. So I’m fighting self-pity–not with brownies–but with the precious Word of God. And this is how I punched Bad Leroy Brownie in the jaw and sent him reeling…Psalm 34. Because that is my weapon of choice today. And dear readers, it is very, very sharp!