The robin sings cheerily from atop my roof. His rusty red breast heaves as his throat swells, and the music he makes is like water chirping over stones in an early spring creek. In the background the white clouds are piled up like mountains against the blue sky. Dusk harkens. But for a moment I can pretend time isn’t slipping away and I have eternity to stand, and breathe and listen.
The earth turns and the clouds take on an amber hue. I think about my favorite recurring dream. I am flying through pink clouds and they are actually cotton candy. I can tasty their tangy sweetness as I soar through them. Alas, tonight I can only watch with my feet planted on the ground since gravity has yet to make an exception for me.
I stand and consider the seemingly meaningless details that make up my frazzled life. I crawl into bed every night–exhausted–and pray that tomorrow will find me rested and ready for the day. But the frenzy of activities that must happen before 7:00am often make me feel like I’ll never catch up on that rest I am always chasing. I seem to spend my minutes hurrying from one task to the next but never feeling satisfied in the work I have done. I exercise so that I will chase the clouds from my brain and the fat from my belly but they are still there. I zip to work through traffic and to a job where I rush from one task to the next in a flurry of anxiety–fearful that I may miss a detail that will cause the people I work with to be frustrated with me. This constant pressure–the terror that I’m not doing something right–has taken it’s toll. The tired feeling lingers, and–like a wool sweater can suffocate when the temperature rises–I’m smothering.
I was recently reading a blog about patience. I have been praying to God a lot lately, and while I know He always hears me, I have struggled to sense His presence. I wondered how long I will continue to feel this dragging, lingering sadness. It seems like years since I enjoyed a happy, carefree and dreamy day–a day where I didn’t pretend to be cheery while inside I’m soggy, like a gravy covered biscuit. As I read the blog on patience I thought to myself that I really just want to read a story about someone who is waiting patiently for God and finding comfort. I want to hear the sweet sounding words of a friend saying, “God finally answered my prayers and I’m so encouraged!” I want to see with my eyes the healed body of a sick or broken friend so I can remember that He truly is not far from any of us. But I couldn’t find one so I decided to write one instead.
Dean Koontz wrote a wonderful little book titled “Bliss to You.” I like this book so much that I downloaded it on Audible so I can listen when I ride my bike. I also own a hard copy. This book contains 8 steps to finding bliss. The second step is Beauty. In the audible version, narrated by Teryn McKewin, she reads Trixie’s words with joyful inflection, “To find true bliss, you must see beauty of natural world all around you. Beauty helps calm you. Bad day at work, you almost assaulted fellow worker with stapler. Spend evening in garden, star-gazing, cuddling puppy, will lose homicidal urge.” She continues, “To see beauty of world, you must really, really, really look. Not look through. Not look at. Must look into.”
I stood in my front yard tonight and watched the robin sing. He was just a plain old robin by casual observance, but when I looked “into” I saw a magnificent creature–a king by all accounts–calling his court to come and bow at his feet. Even as I write this he is still singing, and my heart is ten shades brighter. And then there are those cotton candy clouds! To watch them floating casually across the sky–darkening as they move–is to experience, well, as Trixie would say, bliss!
Cotton Candy Clouds
These fleeting moments are what truly living is all about. No matter the pain, sorrow, or anxiety we face, we can always find beauty around us if we stop to look “into”. I suppose this is what the Psalmist was talking about when he wrote, “The heavens declare the glory of God and the sky above proclaims his handiwork.” (Psalm 19:1) In the middle of my soggy puddle, I experienced the glory of God and it was magnificent. Today, whatever you are facing, you can too—just stop and look “into”.
I rolled out the yoga mat with a sickening thwap. I had not slept well and my brain roiled with unwelcome thoughts.
“Why bother? It’s not like the crunches are actually doing anything. You will never get rid of that wobbly belly. And lifting weights with your ‘thunder thighs’ is pointless. The only obvious result is they are scaring the dog.”
I ignored the thoughts. I turned on my favorite preacher, John Piper, and learned how to know the will of God while I forced my muscles to move. I know that strength training pushes the bad chemicals that cause depression out of the tissue and into my blood stream where my liver can filter them out (along with a lot of water, of course). It is my favorite exercise for curing depression. Except today, the exercises didn’t help at all.
I drove into work with a whole host of prayers on my lips–namely, Psalm 25. Verse 10 says, “All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies.” Except the paths today seemed pretty rocky. I arrived to a confusing software upgrade, a big stack of tasks to stumble through, and the feeling that I wasn’t actually good enough to do the work.
The thoughts grew worse from there. “Who even hired you anyway? If they find out what a crappy worker you are, they are going to fire you. You’re not smart enough. You’re lazy. Nobody here likes you. You should just quit and let them find someone qualified to do your job.”
I cancelled several meetings so I could focus on the work that had to get done today. But in a moment of despair, I went into the bathroom, sat in a stall, and cried.
Have you ever felt this way? Have you ever wondered how to keep doing life when life feels so unmanageable? Have the dark thoughts–like dark clouds–grown into giant storms of emotion that made it seem impossible to move forward?
I always worry when I write these kinds of blogs that people will think I’m loony (which isn’t far from the truth) or a big old baby. But I write them because I’m hopeful that other people who experience the same things will find hope and light in the midst of their darkness. Because, dear reader, even when we feel terrible, we really do have hope!
I don’t take medicine for depression. I have tried various drugs but they only made the symptoms worse. Therefore, I have a litany of natural remedies I rely on to help me walk through these dark nights of the soul.
Remedy #1: Music
Today my heart cried out with Bebo Norman, “I have nothing without you.” This song gives voice to my frail and feeble attempts to lift my hands and offer the sacrifice of praise. I know that no matter how bad I feel, God is still God. He loves me. He is listening to my cries of anguish, and He will never forsake me. The truth is, feelings are fleeting. I cannot be ruled by them, so the best thing to do is grieve and then move forward in faith.
Remedy #2: Praying Friends
I don’t always feel safe reaching out to people when I’m having a bad brain/body day, but I have learned the discipline of calling at least one friend to ask them to pray for me. I have found the prayers of Jesus followers to be powerful and effective. Many people think that prayers and “good vibes” are just thoughts thrown into the wind like well-wishes. I would disagree. God is a real being that is alive and ruling in Heaven. He listens to the prayers of His people and intervenes on their behalf. I have often experienced the peace of God in these circumstances. Sometimes the depression lifts right away. Other times it takes hours or days. But I can always tell when people are praying. As a result, this has made me more prayer-ful. Now, when a friend has a need, I pray for them–whether they want me to or not. God works through the prayers of His people. When Elijah prayed on the mountain for God to pour fire on the altar and burn up the sacrifice that had been doused with water, God did it. And He is still answering prayers today.
Remedy #3: Faith, Hope and Love
As I drove home from work, I considered the chores, my cranky husband, belligerent children, and the real thunder clouds gathering in the west that were impeding traffic. The tears started again. By this time the thoughts were like a broken record that I was really sick of listening to. So I turned them off….with faith, hope and love.
I prayed for myself like I pray for a friend. I reminded myself who I am in Christ. I was bought with the blood of Jesus, who paid the penalty for my sin with his very own blood. I belong to him. I am an heir, a daughter, a beloved child of the King. I just need to have faith that He is coming. If I believe that he has forsaken me or that I am all the terrible thoughts that are running through my head, I am disobedient. 1 Peter 1:6-9 says, “In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith–more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire–may found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.” Jesus is the one true desire of my heart. I know that one day I will be with him and he will wrap his tender arms around me and welcome me home. This is my hope! Without it, I truly am nothing.
Somewhere on the drive home, in the middle of singing an old Amy Grant song I can’t remember all the words to (Sing Your Praise to the Lord!), the thoughts absolved. The crippling insecurity was crushed. As Corrie Ten Boom would say, “Jesus was victor”.
Today, if you are fighting battles no one else knows about, I hope these three strategies will help. I have often been tempted to despair, but I am learning how to find the way out that God always provides to His people who call on His name.
“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13
“There are two distinct paths we can follow in life—a positive path or a negative one. On the positive path you don’t wait for things to happen; you make them happen by setting goals and working hard to achieve them, no matter how long it takes. On the negative path you feel like you can never accomplish anything, and that nothing good will ever come your way. If you say to yourself, “I can’t do this or that,” can’t becomes the operative word in your mind and results in a self-fulfilling failure. The person who says, “I can,” has already started on the path toward success.” – Chuck Norris
When I began my journey to live a healthy lifestyle, I never imagined I would lose 140 pounds. First, I am a compulsive eater, therefore I learned early on that abstaining from overeating required intense mental focus—not something one is too keen on maintaining for the rest of one’s life. I made my friends and family members crazy as I audibly dissected everything that went into my mouth before I ate it. Was there any processed sugar added? How many calories? How many miles would I have to walk to burn off the calories? Worse, as I learned what was actually in the foods I consumed, I would get angry and rant and rave about the deception by greedy corporations who made food that kept us eating long after we were full. They stuffed them full of chemicals we can’t pronounce—things like aspartame and sulfides—that cover the cardboard texture with flavor that stimulates our salivary glands.
I remember the time I was “digressing” to my
sister on the phone and discerned by her uncanny silence that she was annoyed
with me.
I said, “Are you still there?”
She said, “Yes.”
I sheepishly said, “Do you think I’m neurotic when I
talk about food and my diet?”
She said, “A little, yes.”
I said, “I don’t know how to stop being addicted to food and eating too much. If I don’t obsess about diet and exercise, I’m afraid I won’t lose the weight.”
She said, “I totally get it. But I need to go.”
Nobody in their right mind wants to listen to a food-obsessed psycho talk about Pepsi or Nabisco and their evil schemes to hook consumers via “mouth feel”.
In case you were wondering, my sister is a saint. She never
complained until I gave her the freedom to be honest.
I have changed many of the things I eat, but I still struggle with my eating habits. For instance, I ate too much coleslaw for lunch today. I was full halfway through but I kept eating because I didn’t want to explain to my friend why I couldn’t eat it all. Sometimes I’m like a turkey whose “gobble” got stuck.
The “I’m only human” argument
A friend recently asked for my advice on the healthiest detox diet. I told her, “Eliminate sugar and processed foods, eat lots of vegetables and fruit, and a little protein for a week. Your liver and kidneys will do the rest.” The next thing I knew, however, she was talking about her new apple cider vinegar regimen.
We all want the “easy button” when it comes to
diet. She suffered through that nasty concoction for a while but as soon as a
birthday hit, she was “off the rails” again. After all, we are only “human”.
Put barbecue and chocolate in front of us and we all cave to our passions. As
long as we don’t grow morbidly obese practicing this type of sensuality, no harm
no foul, right?
Jim Elliott once wrote, “He who makes Ease his god, Sufficiency his altar, Pleasure his priest, and Time his offering, knows not what man is born for.” Jim Elliot was a singular human being, something even his daughter Valerie has had to reckon with. https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/legacy-jim-elisabeth-elliot/
Before I began this journey to learn discipline, I was one of the busiest-lazy people I know. I certainly didn’t perceive myself that way, but looking back it is obvious. I refused to do the real work necessary to fully live the way God intended me to. By that, I mean that I lived fully for myself. I ate what I wanted, consumed movies and television that appealed to my fantasies, and was a slave to envy, gossip, and slander. Sure, I talked a good game at church on Sunday mornings, and I was good at confessing all my misdeeds at the ninth hour (right before communion), but I wasn’t actually interested in living differently. I embraced the “human” factor. I often wonder how I would have responded had someone asked me what I frequently ask others, “What is your purpose?” I probably would have given the standard “deer in the headlights” look followed by the answer I thought they most wanted to hear. We are all on a ship headed towards a destination of our choosing. The question is, which destination do we choose?
Mutiny in the ranks!
All of us have the capacity to make good choices for a short period of time, but eventually we have to face the long-term “why.” We charted our course for “lose weight/look great” until the chocolate cake or brownies flew out of the water like a giant sea monster and clobbered our resolve. Even when we stab the beast with our steely knives and escape with our dignity intact, we face mutiny by cellular malware. By that I mean even our own cells will sometimes rise up against us by refusing to release the proper hormones to allow the fluid to exit our bodies. (All my women friends know what I’m talking about.) I face this continually. I had a full hysterectomy when I was 35 years old and even snails move faster than my metabolism. So why do I persist in making healthy choices when even my own body is against me? The shine of “weight loss” wore off several years ago. The dear reader might be surprised at the truth.
I love God more than I love to eat.
Holiness Instead
of Happiness
When I began to honestly pursue relationship with Jesus Christ, I realized that up until that point, I had been mainly interested in Him because He had the power to grant my wishes. In truth, He was so kind to me that He did grant a lot of wishes—about 140 pounds worth! But God is not a genie. This is why I have often struggled with trusting Him when He doesn’t give me what I want. Sometimes I fundamentally forget that His ways are not my ways.
Andrew Peterson puts this so succinctly in his song, “Just as I am”. One of the lyrics point out a central fear that “His love is no better than mine.” I’m terribly fickle. My love for friends and family fail very quickly when they disappoint me. But that is not the way Jesus loves people. He taught from the mountain that we should love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us so that we may be sons of our Father in heaven. “You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (Matthew 5:48 ESV).
So does He mean perfect like, keep-my-room-clean perfect or as in like actually-never-sin perfect? Because I can’t even get a handle on gluttony, how am I supposed to stop the other 6 deadly sins?
Thriving in Christ
If I understand the entire point of the bible correctly, I have learned that God created us, loves us, and wants us to be completely satisfied in Him. Sin makes that impossible because it separates us from Him. So He sent Jesus to bear the full weight of His wrath at sin on the cross.
When I first started to listen to John Piper I was really confused about “Christian hedonism”, the idea that we could experience delirious joy by pursuing relationship with Christ above all other things. I only fully realized this truth when I began to allow God to strip away the things that used to bring me pleasure.
“In every generation there is a chosen one.
I used to cling to my television programs as a means to escape real life, only my real life never stopped happening. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Lost, Friends, and many other shows were a distraction that never solved my fundamental, real world problems. I went thumbing through the pages of the Bible trying to understand how to break free from addiction to food—my drug of choice—and found that only a sincere pursuit of holiness allowed me to see myself as I really was; guilty of the great sin of idolatry. I began to pray for God to show me what pure pleasure looked like and found that it was worshipping Him—which is basically experiencing the rapture of loving and being loved by Him in every experience, every day. We cannot perceive Him with the eyes, but our hearts are enlightened when we read his words and pray. It wasn’t until I learned to throw the candy in the trash and stop stealing things that didn’t belong to me—not out of fear but out of love—that I saw what being free in Christ really means. I am no longer a slave to my passions. I can say yes to deep and abiding peace and love through Jesus, and no to fear, guilt, and shame.
“Oh, taste and
see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him!”
Psalm 34:8
My destination is no longer Self because I found that sea to be full of deadly peril. My destination is Jesus Christ. I have learned that sharing in the fellowship of His sufferings brings sanity to everyday life. He told his disciples to take up their cross and follow him. This is a painfully rewarding act of love that one can only do once they fully surrender to Him. But the mutiny and madness of maintaining a healthy lifestyle are nothing compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I am willing to suffer the loss of ALL things. (To paraphrase the Apostle Paul).
“For
those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the
flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things
of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on
the Spirit is life and peace.” Romans 8:5-6
If you feel trapped by the thrall of addiction, are shackled by guilt, are afraid of the terrors of death and dying, or simply want to experience the true joy of living as human beings were created to live, call out to Jesus. You will never find a more faithful friend. He will show you how to sail victoriously on the high seas of life. And afterward, you will know everlasting joy and peace with him in paradise. Now THAT is a distinctly positive path even Chuck Norris would approve of!
