Archive for the The Journey Category

“Clock, the altar of our time. Thought the temple of our mind. And I been sprinkling all the blood of most my life on the altars of my ghost machine.” – Jon Foreman

I stood in the shower and tried to rinse the shame from my body. “I’ll do better today,” I thought. “I’ll be good.”

I was 34 years old and weighed over 300 pounds. I wanted to stop overeating. I wanted to loose weight. I wanted to not feel guilty all the time. Basically, I wanted to fly to the moon without a spaceship.

My appetite was the driving force in my life. It drove me to the store where I purchased the foods I needed to subsist. I write “subsist” rather than “live” because buying and eating food made me feel dead inside.

The Unhealthy Appetite

The first way to recognize an “unhealthy appetite” is to honestly observe and assess the affect it has one ones life. Can the hunger be satisfied or does it mainly cause you to want more? Does it cause a hypo or hyper-glycemic response? Does it make you feel sluggish? Cause heartburn? Make you feel euphoric and then incredibly depressed? Many of us don’t even realize we have these reactions to the foods we eat because we are too distracted. (Or is that just me?) Therefore, we must begin at the beginning.

Your appetite has been manipulated.

In his excellent book, “Salt, Sugar, Fat,” Michael Moss discusses how our taste buds have been analyzed and manipulated by food corporations. In an interview with Julie Menella, a biopschologist who worked at Monell Chemical Senses Center in Philadelphia, he unearthed some startling information.

“Sugar makes children feel good. It’s an analgesic. It will reduce crying in a newborn baby. A young child can keep their hand in a cold water bath longer if a sweet taste is in their mouth.” – Julie Menella.

Michael Moss writes, “Mennella has become convinced that our bliss point for sugar–and all foods, for that matter–is shaped by our earliest experiences. But as babies grow into youngsters, the opportunity for food companies to influence our taste grows as well. For Mennella, this is troubling. It’s not that food companies are teaching children to like sweetness; rather, they are teaching children what foods should taste like.”

It’s no wonder fresh fruits and vegetables aren’t exactly appealing.

Your appetite is connected to the affections of your heart.

It’s easy to blame others for the sad predicaments we find ourselves in. We don’t get to choose who raises us or the environment we grow up in. While it is true many behaviors are taught, there does come a point in life where we are able to choose. Too often, we follow the affections of our hearts to the detriment of our mind and bodies.

“Look, O Lord, for I am in distress; my stomach churns; my heart is wrung within me, because I have been very rebellious. In the street the sword bereaves; in the house it is like death.” – Lamentations 1:20

Have you ever consumed something you knew would make you sick? Did you eat too many cookies? Drink too much alcohol? Imbibe an illicit substance? We are easily enticed by desire and commit great atrocities against ourselves because of the rebellious nature of our hearts. We like to make jokes about eating or drinking something we know is “bad for us”. Unfortunately, we anesthetize ourselves to truth in the process. That is a real problem.

Our appetites reflect the things our hearts treasure. This is why they are seemingly incurable. But there is good news!

The affections of your heart can be changed by God’s grace.

“The mind is to the soul what the brain is to the body.” Ravi Zacharias

Our generation knows so little about discipline and self-control because we are not willing to learn it. We accept and adhere to our vices as if we had no choice–as if our brains did not control our bodies. I believe the reason for this is that we reject the freedom of treasuring pure and good things. We think of following Jesus as narrow and restrictive when it is actually liberating and beautiful.

We have an appetite for a reason. We are hungry because our hungers are meant to be satisfied. We just need to find the convergence between what we crave and what we really need. Our hungers have been so wholly manipulated and tainted that when we taste “true” things we reject them as unsavory. Jesus can help us with that.

“We were made to know and treasure the glory of God above all things; and when we trade that treasure for images, everything is disordered. The sun of God’s glory was made to shine at the center of the solar system of our soul. And when it does, all the planets of our life are held in their proper orbit. But when the sun is displaced, everything flies apart. The healing of the soul begins by restoring the glory of God to its flaming, all-attracting place at the center.” – John Piper

We must unlearn the behaviors that harm us by clinging to behaviors that heal us; namely, God’s glory and grace. When we acknowledge our need and cling to his gracious love, we find liberation and relief.

Maybe this seems weird and esoteric. Maybe you think joy and satisfaction can only be found in binge-watching Netflix, a giant tub of Ben and Jerry’s or a particularly thrilling ride at the amusement park. I promise you–these things are a mere shadow of the pleasures that can be found in Jesus.

Satisfaction will never be found in a stack of Oreo cookies, French fries or other sugar, salt and fat laden food. We can choose to begin to fill our bodies with foods that nourish rather than poison them but we must inoculate our minds to the cultural narratives that drive us to consume them. The way to break free from the hell of an unhealthy appetite is to find satisfaction in God through His son Jesus. He sets us free from guilt, shame, and addictions, and restores our appetites so they can find true satisfaction in him.

“The expense of spirit in a waste of shame

Is lust in action; and till action, lust

Is perjured, murderous, bloody, full of blame,

Savage, extreme, rude, cruel, not to trust;

Enjoy’d no sooner but despised straight;

Past reason hunted; and no sooner had,

Past reason hated, as a swallow’d bait,

On purpose laid to make the taker mad:

Mad in pursuit, and in possession so;

Had, having, and in quest to have, extreme;

A bliss in proof, and proved, a very woe;

Before, a joy proposed; behind, a dream.

All this the world well knows; yet none knows well

To shun the heaven that leads men to this hell.”

– William Shakespeare – Sonnet 129

I remember the good old days. I remember when my annoying co-worker was an adult. I remember when the smell of coffee invigorated me with a sense of shared corporate misery. I remember life outside the smudged windows of domestic prison. Back when life was normal. Before virus was a “four-letter” word.

Temptation haunted the halls of my heart long before the government told me to “shelter in place”, but never has it felt so virulent. I’m a girl with baking infatuation and too much nervous energy to burn. So, I stand at the kitchen sink with visions of snickerdoodles running through my head, an itch I can’t scratch, and one big question on my mind, “to bake or not to bake?” Yes, that really is the question.

Never underestimate the depraved nature of the human heart. Evil desires drive men to madness. And while cookie-canoodling may not constitute as one of the greater evils in human history, it does illustrate how pernicious old habits can be. Social media has flared my predilection to propagate cookies as many people I know are experiencing a new phenomenon; quarantine stress baking. They manifest their behavior via savory photographs and then crack jokes about not fitting into their clothes when they are cleared to leave the house. Ha. Ha. Ha. It’s so funny, I forgot to laugh.

Suddenly I’m daydreaming about my favorite peanut butter cookies and how chewy they are. The combination of crisp and chewy combine in such a way that my legs start to feel gooey and my salivary glands activate. So, I decide to make cookies. Because my boys love cookies and I never bake them anymore. Cookies make them happy. I will be popular. They might even give me a new nickname, “Fun Cookie Mom” instead of “Cruel Vegetable Mom”. And who doesn’t want to be a fun cookie mom?

But then I come to my senses and remember that I have a serious food addiction that is basically uncontrollable when I consume sugar. No, I do not have enough will-power. Yes, I will eat them all. Sorry, Satan. I call your bluff. NO COOKIES.

But then I wake up and tomorrow is today and I’m standing at the kitchen sink again, only this time it’s Chocolate crackle cookies. What is wrong with me? What a cookie conundrum!

I can’t escape my kitchen. It’s where I work. It’s (currently) where I sit 13 hours of every day. And I am surrounded by mechanisms of torture the average man would never recognize as such: a Sunbeam mixer, white and brown sugar, a one liter bottle of Mexican vanilla, and an extra-large bag of flour. It’s only a matter of time before I am possessed by the ghost of the Cookie Monster. Friends, I am weak and afraid!

How does one fight temptation when it feels so impossible to resist? I feel like my head is in a vice and the only way to escape is to act like a turkey….and gobble!

Have you ever felt this way? Did you obsess until you acquiesced? Were you gripped by mental fabrication until you resorted to real-life proliferation? Did you visualize until you tangibly realized?

Exhausting, isn’t it? But I have good news, Dear Reader. There is hope! There is a cure! Don’t believe me? Keep reading.

John Owen examines temptation and the human heart in his great work, “Overcoming Sin and Temptation.” This is not a light read, but for anyone serious about finding success in fighting sin, it is important. He writes,

“To know that a man has such an enemy, to deal with it, to take notice of it, to consider it as an enemy indeed, and one that is to be destroyed by all means possible, is required hereunto. As I said before, the contest is vigorous and hazardous—it is about the things of eternity.”

When I read these words, I imagine myself with a sword. I am slashing and slaying dragons. I am stabbing goblins like Aragorn from The Lord of the Rings stories. I am performing a round house kick like Chuck Norris. That is how I deal with temptation. But all of this work begins with my thoughts. That is where the real battles are won and lost. But we cannot fight what we refuse to acknowledge and we cannot win a war if we refuse to fight a single battle.

Many times, we capitulate without fighting at all. We think, “I want brownies.” So, we eat a pan of brownies. Then we think, “Maybe I shouldn’t have done that” when our pants begin to pinch, but often, (as in my case, and for many years) we ignore our conscience and do it anyway. After a while, we start to believe the lie that we have no power over our impulses and choices. The habit becomes ingrained to the point of horrific addiction. And hope becomes a seeming impossibility.

Addiction leads to death

When William Shakespeare wrote Sonnet 129, I think he knew a great deal about addiction and death. The shame of being held captive hurls the addict back to the numbing arms he or she is enthralled with, thus making it difficult to break free. He said “none knows well to shun the heaven that leads men to this hell.” But I would like to suggest that breaking free from addiction and thriving in spite of temptation is possible.

Life after Death

There is nothing more impossible than life sprouting from death. Resurrection is by nature a miracle. Maybe that is why I love spring. Every time a flower grows out of a seemingly dead bulb or from the branch of a presumably “dead” tree, I am filled with wonder. I look at my yard and see a lifeless, brown branch on Monday, but on Wednesday there is a golden flower. I can’t do this work. Nature manifests wonders beyond my understanding. We see the rhythm of resurrection all the time, but the mysteries surrounding it remain. How does the tree hibernate and then sprout fresh? How do the frogs not suffocate in the mud in the winter? How do they know the perfect time to emerge? How do those pesky morel mushrooms know exactly when to pop up and so befuddle the masses? Life is constantly flourishing from seemingly dead branches but we don’t notice because we forget our sense of wonder.

The human soul is no different than the tree or tulip; capable of sprouting life from death. Of course, we are only capable of this through the death and resurrection of Jesus. Paul writes this so eloquently.

“For when you were slaves of sin, you were free in regard to righteousness. But what fruit were you getting at that time from the things of which you are now ashamed? For the end of those things is death. But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the fruit you get leads to sanctification and its end, eternal life. For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 6:20-23

Temptation can feel like torture, but we can experience victory over it through the help Jesus offers by his blood shed on the cross. This resurrection power is real and available for those who cry out for it in earnest. This is my battle cry when the cookie-craving-from-hell erupts in my mind. “Jesus, Save me! Jesus, help me! Jesus, I don’t want to fall back into that pit. That pit is death and I love you more!”

Today, if you are stuck in your house or apartment (like most of the world at this point) and temptation has given way to addiction and death, cry out to Jesus. He will help you.

When the torturous thoughts of your addiction array themselves for war, pull out your weapon; the bible. Hurl words of truth at your enemy and slash, stab, and slay the dragon. You may have to do this every day, but Jesus never says “Hey, I’m too busy. Good luck with that.”

My weapon of choice lately is Psalm 18. (I am memorizing in whole but will share in part).

“This God—his way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. For you equipped me with strength for the battle; you made those who rise against me sink under me.” – Psalm 18:30 & 39

Go forth and conquer!

My child screamed at me with nearly enough velocity to blow me over. He must be related to the Big Bad Wolf.

“I’m sick of this COVID-19 crap! I just want it to be over!”

We were trying to complete a grammar worksheet. I was trying to teach him how to discern between past perfect, present perfect, and future perfect verbs. I was confused by sentence diagraming in grade school and it confuses me still. I don’t know what purpose it serves other than to confuse and madden the average person.

I was also trying to do the job for which I receive compensation. I had finished a conference call with my boss and with a group I take notes for. I still needed to consolidate, edit and send them out to the group but I was impeded by a tiny tyrant; my son.

He thumped up and down the hallway. He stomped in his room. He took turns screeching like a banshee and moaning like Myrtle. He wept. He complained. For three hours. I could do nothing to console him—not even taking a break or doing different school work was effective in de-escalating his frustrated fit.

Have you ever felt more marshmallow than man?

The ramifications of this pestilence rage on. Joblessness. Hiring and wage freezes. Unruly children. Petulant bosses who expect the moon delivered on a silver platter from a less-than-stoic workspace. It’s enough to make a person want to eat. In fact, if I judge reality by the memes on social media, I don’t think any one will fit back into their work clothes when the noxious stench of pandemic blows over. Which may be a good thing for retailers and fad diet hawkers.

So, I ask myself again, do I have what it takes to maintain strict discipline under intense stress? Am I a man or a marshmallow?

What about you? What gets your goat? Are you stress baking? Stress Netflix binging? Stress drinking or chain vaping? Or, are you one of those really obnoxious friends hanging out in their home like, “I’m cool. What pandemic? This is my normal. At least now I can go shopping without the crowds.”

“Character makes up the foundation of who we are.” Dr. Kathy Koch

Re-order your thinking

I decided last week I was not going to fall into the trap of emotional eating. That’s right. I decided and I’m sticking to it. My character depends on the sanity of rebuking my inner impulses. I refuse to bake cookies, eat fatty take-out, or basically abuse my body with impetuous indulgence.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t think about it.

The truth is, I think about food lot. I have even been dreaming about food. Cupcakes. Cake. Chocolate. You name it, I’m eating it (in my dreams). But I’m not eating it in real life. The reason for this is that I am a strong-willed child. That’s right, Mom. That really aggravating trait that made you insane when I was a kid is now my greatest attribute. A mind is a funny thing once it’s made up. I’m learning even a food addict can stick to her guns when the gooey-butter cake starts flying.

But I’m here to tell you that temptation will not stick to your Teflon if you re-order a few things.

Re-order your priorities

“Without knowing our strengths, overcoming our challenges and compensating for weaknesses will be difficult, if not impossible.” Dr. Kathy Koch

I don’t feel particularly strong in my resolve to abstain from emotional eating. In fact, I’m a hairs breadth away from falling headlong into the fondue pot, but my strength does not reside in myself; it comes from my God.

Those who don’t now how mighty God is are really missing out. Let me explain.

I am a marshmallow. I did the jiggly belly dance in the mirror just before I wrote this to remind myself just how squishy I am. That jiggly belly spent years absorbing M&M’s and Taco Bell and growing beyond my wildest expectations. It got so big that when I was pregnant with my third child, someone said, “I can’t even tell you are pregnant.” I was in my 8th month of gestation. I got so good at caving in to temptation that I didn’t even know I was being tempted. I ate too much of the wrong things and never exercised. Therefore, I was severely overweight. I believed the lie that I had no power over my choices.

Then I re-ordered my priorities. I made lifelong discipline of utmost significance. I wanted to learn a new way of life and stick to it forever. Has it been easy? Nope. But it has been worthwhile.

Re-Order what you Love

My love affair with food is over. But the gaping hole it left was untenable. Now, I fill my heart with the love of God instead. That love is so supremely soul satisfying that I have the strength to resist going back to my former flame.

I thought about this today when I was riding my bike against the wind. If you have never done this, I highly recommend it. For the second time in a week I made the decision to exercise in the wind even though I knew it wouldn’t be comfortable. I wanted to see if I had the stamina to resist the un-resistable. I did. This is what got me to thinking about what it actually takes to live a healthy lifestyle. It takes grit. It takes determination. It takes discipline. But I want my dear readers to know that the real reason I continue to live a healthy lifestyle is because I’m a great sinner, saved from hell by a great Savior. Jesus enduring work on the cross enables me to resist sinning (with food) and to do other really hard things.

Like not losing my temper with my temper-tantrum toting kid. Today, I prayed out loud and I remembered with what great difficulty Jesus did not back-hand any Pharisees. Don’t you think he was tempted? Just read some of those heated discussions in the gospels. He resisted temptation so that he might be a faithful help to me in my hour of need. By His grace, I cling to him with love and hope that one day I will not be tempted to sin any longer because I will be with him in Heaven. I obey him because I love him and am loved by Him. That is real grit and strength!

“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23

How about you? Are you a man or are you a marshmallow? If you said the latter, take heart. Jesus died for marshmallows!