Archive for the The Journey Category

“No one will see if you stop believing.” – Mark Hall

The mines of Moria are dark. The small group, led by Gandalf the grey, had tried to go over the mountain, but an evil wind blew in snow that nearly froze them to death and forced them to go under. Gimli  was excited. He longed to know what became of his friend, Balin, who had gone there years before in search of treasure. Boromir longed to turn away. Who knew what lurked beneath the mountain? But Frodo insisted they move on. There was still that pesky issue of disposing of the ring.

They traveled the dark corridors for some days without trouble when they encountered Balin’s tomb. It was surrounded by bones and helms–remnants of the dwarves who had tried to recapture the wonder of ages gone by. A charred book detailed their fate; orcs had risen from the deep and trapped them in the small chamber.

“We cannot get out. The end comes. Drums, drums in the deep.”

In true dramatic fashion the drums of the orcs begin to thrum.

Boom, doom. Boom, doom. 

“Trapped! cried Gandalf. “Why did I delay? Here we are, caught, just as they were before. But I was not here then.”

If Balin was guilty of greed and the ruthless pursuit of glory and treasure, Frodo and Aragorn were not. Their noble task to destroy the ring of power and end the reign of Sauron was most noble. Yet there they stood in the dark–trapped just the same. Evil does not discriminate.

Sometimes the evil we face is so great we are driven to despair. Our fears rise up like malevolent gargoyles and we are pinned down and crushed. We want to run away, but like Frodo and his friends, we are trapped, and the dreary whispers of our enemy drown out any speck of hope.

A few years ago, a good friend of mine was pregnant and endured a horrific birth experience. When her water broke, they went to the hospital only to discover the baby was not progressing. They gave her Pitocin, which induced excruciating contractions. In her agony, they administered pain medication via an epidural, which promptly stopped the labor. She endured hours and hours of painful contractions and physicians and nurses who were not helpful. Like many women, she bears the scars of that experience.

My friend is pregnant again and due in a few weeks. Her fear and dread of labor has grown into a monster of epic proportions. Even though she has selected a different hospital and has a more caring doctor, she is–quite frankly–terrified. No amount of prayers and reassurance will give her peace. I suspect its fair to say she has labor and delivery PTSD. And the only way out of her situation is to endure it.

My friend feels like a handkerchief blowing in the wind and in some respects, she is flimsy. There is nothing more vulnerable than a pregnant woman who is near term. She is beset by hormones, physically exhausted, and without the regular support system one needs because her family is out of state. The coronavirus has robbed us of so many comforts, why wouldn’t it steal our sense of security as well? But no matter the fear–our God is stronger than flint and He will sustain her.

How can I say such a thing?

I recently asked a friend if we could trust the bible. We were discussing some really tough situations in our lives, and while we believe in God, suffering has a way of eroding faith and trust in Him. We want to know why He doesn’t stop hard things from happening. In short, we want practical solutions to esoteric problems. I asked her, “Can we really believe and trust in these old texts? I mean, it is thousands of years old.” I’m not the first to question its authenticity, and in the heat of cruel emotions, it’s very tempting to throw it in the dirt.

The disciples had a similar dilemma in response to the teachings of Jesus when he said he was “the bread of life.”

“It is the spirit who gives life; the flesh is no help at all. The words that I have spoken to you are spirit and life.” – John 6:63

“After this many of his disciples turned back and no longer walked with him. So Jesus said to the twelve, ‘Do you want to go away as well?’ Simon Peter answered him, ‘Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know that you are the Holy One of God.” John 6:66-69

We place our trust in something we cannot see, and while it often befuddles others, it sometimes befuddles us too. But the reality is, whether I like it or not, I do believe it. And not in the “I believe in Santa Claus” kind of way. I’ve staked my life on it.

There is no guarantee my friend won’t suffer another horrific labor and delivery. She might even die in childbirth. It pains me to write that and I pray it doesn’t happen. But I’m thinking of my other friend whose son is suffering terrible mental health issues. She said, “God never promised us we would be “whole.” And he didn’t. He sent Jesus to die for our sin, not so that we would have perfect, pain-free lives.

“Trapped! cried Gandalf. “Why did I delay? Here we are, caught, just as they were before. But I was not here then.“

Of course Gandalf protected Frodo and the rest of the fellowship. Unlike Balin, they made it out of Moria alive. Alas, Gandalf fell to his death due to the machinations of the balrog. I may be remiss to make this analogy, but it does feel the same way with God. He sent Jesus to bear our sin and shame. He suffered and died. Then he rose from the dead. If I believe the bible–that’s probably the most important thing to believe. Because without the resurrection of Christ–my faith is worthless.

So we walk with faces unflinching into the fire. No matter how flimsy we feel, God is not. His strength will sustain us–even unto the end.

I was sitting quietly at my work station when I heard the “thwack” of a large object hitting the door to my office. My co-workers stood up and looked at me, “What is happening?” I imagined the worst; the mailman threw a package and broke the glass–but no, it was worse.

I opened the door and saw a tiny Junco. The little gray and white bird lay gasping on my doorstep. I could have left it there–after all, there was nothing I could do. She was either stunned–would revive and fly away, or dying. And since I am not a veterinarian or a miracle worker, I could have closed the door and went on about my business. Instead, I kneeled down and gently scooped her up. Her tiny heart was beating so fast, but she did not blink or move. She simply lay there staring at me.

I sat at my desk with her for a few minutes and prayed for her. I thought, maybe God will spare her. So I prayed more fervently as I sensed the struggle in her to live. It was as if I could hear her whispering, “Help me! Save me! I don’t want to die!”

So I prayed, “God, please heal her neck. Have mercy! She’s just a little bird. She is so beautiful and lovely. Surely you don’t want to see such a wonderful creature pass away.” Because the truth is, I believe in miracles. I believe Jesus made the lame to walk and the blind to see.  He also said he sees every sparrow that falls.

Back before Christmas I was really struggling with the weight of despair. The oppressive nature of isolation was really getting to me, along with fears about the election process. I don’t watch a lot of television but I felt the need for something inspirational and positive. I identify with true stories that illustrate courage in the face of adversity but I was having a hard time finding one that wasn’t cheesy. Then I stumbled across the documentary, Rich Mullins: A Ragamuffin’s Legacy.

I have heard a lot about Rich Mullins over the years but never really listened to his music. By all accounts, Mullins was an odd duck. He struggled with alcohol addiction, depression, and a painful history with his father. He was a square cog shoved into a round music industry hole–going so far as to abandon Nashville to live on an Indian reservation because he wanted to minister to the poor. He was moody. Rude. Weird. And he was talented as all “get out”. Mostly importantly, he loved God.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been listening to his songs. I happened across a few cd’s while Christmas shopping at the thrift store. And since I don’t believe in coincidences, I bought them all. It’s the best $3 I ever spent.

And this is the point in the blog where I wax eloquent about how awesome good music is and how healing it can be. But also how hard it is in this day and age to find music with powerful, relevant lyrics.

“And I know that the gates of hell are not as prone to prevail as I thought that they were. And I pray it won’t be long until your kingdom comes.” – Rich Mullins

“There is a loyalty that is deeper than mere sentiments.” – Rich Mullins

“So if I stand, let me stand on the promise that you will pull me through. And if I can’t, let me fall on the grace that first brought me to you. And if I sing, let me sing for the joy that has borne in me these songs. And if I weep, let it be as a man who is longing for his home.” – Rich Mullins

I’ve been listening to these songs over the past few days while a shadow passes over my country of origin. And since I have been reading, “The Fellowship of the Ring” to my son, I think of Mordor and wonder, “Where is Aragorn? Where is Gandalf? Is anyone coming to save us from the Nazgul?”

And then I remember; He already has.

“Now when Jesus came into the district of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, who do people say that the Son of Man is? And they said, ‘Some say John the Baptist, others say Elijah, and others Jeremiah or one of the prophets.’ He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?” Simon Peter replied, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.” And Jesus answered him, “Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven. And I tell you, you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.” Matthew 16: 13-19

I have to remind myself that it is during the darkest of hours of our lives that we lift our eyes to the heavens and put our trust in God. He doesn’t always answer our prayers the way we want Him to, but that makes him no less powerful. He loves us and He hears us.

The little Junco did not revive. She slowly turned cold. Rich Mullins also died. His jeep rolled over on his way to a concert in 1997. He was 41–only a few years younger than my grandmother who also died in a car crash. Meanwhile, people are dying of illness and tragedy all around us and our government is in upheaval. Where is our hope?

My co-workers–my dogs, Annabelle and Tank–watched as I buried the little bird in my yard. I committed her body to the maker of all good things. He gives and He takes away. Blessed be His name. There is so much peace in knowing He is absolutely in control of each and every situation on the planet at all times. It boggles the mind, but this is where I put my faith and my trust. Where do you put yours?

“There is such a thing as glory and there are hints of it everywhere.” – Rich Mullins

I recently wrote a blog about MSG (monosodium glutamate) and how toxic it is to the body. I am frustrated by my constant cravings for foods that contain it. When I was shopping at The Spice Shop on Main Street in Saint Charles, I saw that they sell it. I was so frustrated and shouted, “Toxic Poison!” to no one in particular. My son rolled his eyes. Crazy Old Mom was on a “tirade” again.  This “flavor enhancer” is the bane of my existence.

Now, you might be reading this and thinking, “Who is this lunatic and why does she hate MSG so much?” Well, the reason is because once I consume it, I can’t stop eating whatever it’s in. I have not consumed my favorite food, General Tso’s chicken with crab Rangoon, from Green China since I wrote my last column, but not a day has gone by that I haven’t been sorely tempted to consume it. Now, I don’t have definitive proof that it’s loaded with MSG, but no other food I eat “lights my brain on fire” like that. It is sedative, stimulant, and emotional support all in one meal.

Today, while doing some research for a column, I discovered glutamate is a type of neurotransmitter that occurs naturally in the brain.

“Chemical neurotransmission is a chemical signaling process in which a chemical released from the nerve terminal can excite or inhibit the next neuron in the circuit. The chemical is referred to as a neurotransmitter, and there are many different neurotransmitters found in the nervous system.” – Michael Kuhar

Michael Kuhar, the author of the excellent book, “The Addicted Brain” writes, “Drugs act on a brain that is already wired to make us feel good.” He cites extensive research with rodents for determining the different thresholds for pleasure and pain and how that has influenced the science behind brain function.

“Neurotransmitters are powerful and even dangerous in that they can profoundly alter neuronal function through their signaling properties, especially if they interact with receptors in the wrong place and at the wrong time.” – Michael Kuhar

Glutamate is “excitatory (it excites the next neuron in the circuit).”

But in my last blog entry I missed an important fact about Monosodium glutamate; it occurs naturally in some foods. So, MSG is not toxic when it occurs naturally–at least not that I’m aware of. And, I would venture to guess this chemical is necessary toward inciting hunger and other important bodily functions. Since food is necessary for survival, we need it. But when MSG is extracted and added UN-naturally, it “excites” us to over-consume.

Why is all of this important? 

Our bodies are hard-wired to experience pleasure. We naturally seek it out. I see this evidenced in the behavior of my 9-month-old grand daughter. For Christmas she got more toys than a baby will ever need and she is captivated by the sounds and lights that come from the electronic gizmos. She is also stimulated by a smile, a poke to the ribs or a kiss. These natural pleasures make her feel loved and secure and are (in my opinion) more wholesome. While I get very angry at companies who extort our natural bodily functions by creating substances that make us addicted, we are gifted with a mind that is more powerful than any physical desire. 

Every natural human impulse has the capacity to be corrupted by impure desire. While I rail against companies for manufacturing foods that contain high-fructose corn syrup, MSG, and hydrogenated fats with the sole purpose of profit and at the expense of human health, the plain truth is–they make it that way because humans are susceptible to corruption. Shoot, most of us are so entrenched in addictive behaviors that the mere  mention of abandoning our vices causes us to reject the idea completely. If we begin to contemplate it at all, we shudder at the idea of giving them up. For those of us who make a sincere attempt, we often fall back into them and decide it’s not worth the struggle.

The key to my success in living a healthy lifestyle has been exchanging unhealthy and impure desires for healthful and pure ones. I enjoy eating healthy foods. I just had to learn how to make them. Yes, it takes more effort to prepare a healthy meal than to run through a drive through restaurant. But the results are worth the effort.

One of the most shocking discoveries on my journey has been how great exercise makes me feel. When I first began my journey to live a healthy lifestyle, I knew I had to exercise because physical activity stimulates the cells that burn fat and I had a lot to burn. It felt awful because I was so large (310 pounds) and walking around with all that weight was painful. That got better as I lost weight. Then I learned physical exercise also helps alleviate my anxiety and depression. This has to do with endorphins.

“There is a surprising variety of neurotransmitters. They can be small molecules such as dopamine, or, they can be mega-molecules such as endorphin, which are equivalent to multiples of molecules the size of dopamine.” –  Michael Kuhar

Dopamine is known as the “feel good neurotransmitter” and endorphins are hormones that “reduce pain and enhance pleasure.” Therefore, I can take a jog and get a much better result brain-wise than eating a bag of M&M’s. Therefore, I have exchanged an unhealthy habit for a healthy one. 

For those who didn’t fall asleep during the brain chemistry lesson, use what you have learned to make wise choices. We may have “hijacked brains” but we can set them free. This journey is not impossible–only difficult.

The human mind is a powerful weapon. Use it. Learn. Then start to fight.

I say “fight” because modifying behavior will feel uncomfortable at first but once it becomes a habit, you will find hope and healing. In a world where so much is beyond our control, shouldn’t we at least try to control what we can?

Now, go forth and conquer!